I don't make a peep while bumping uglies. Not a moan, not an exclamation, not a word. It's the opposite of sexy, I'm aware. I don't want to come across as timid or creepy in the sack but there is nothing I can do to fix it. Quite literally, the cat has my tongue and there is one simple explanation for it: I had shitty friends growing up.
My friends and I were all very competitive growing up in everything we did. However there was this weird clause, that as competitive as you are, you aren't allowed to show enthusiasm in anything or else you're a douchebag. Any violation of this rule was met with a shitstorm of insults and normally a comparison to a celebrity. Playing 21 in the backyard on a seven foot hoop, I once screamed "LETS GO" after dunking on two dudes. This misstep in passion was met with, "Oh shit dude look at you, you're soo good at 21. You're 16 years old and weigh 230 no shit you're going to body us in the paint." A proper roast. With my pride in my throat, I screamed through a cracked voice to check the ball up bitch.
We were all targets at all times. During a Fifa match, my one friend scored and yelled "eat it motherfucker". The dude losing 0-3 looked him dead in the eye and said "Wow look at Ronaldinho over here. Why don't you take your shirt off and slide into the corner of the living room. Chill out, it's just a game man". It could be anything. You could be doing something nice for someone and still catch a burn. I had a buddy one time make us a mountain of pizza rolls. Another friend there said he ate a cold one and when the cook said STFU and eat them you ungrateful fuck he got "Oh I'm so sorry Gordon Ramsay, did you not like my review? Sorry you can't even make simple fucking pizza rolls. Wasting our time biting into these ice packets." They didn't talk the rest of the night.
We were all victims, we were all aggressors. I regret to inform you that I was the most aggressive. If there was a burn scoreboard I would have the most tallies in the burns-dished-out column. I'm terrible at art, I can barely draw letters. Sitting at our table in art class during the seventh grade, my best friend said "This is pretty fun" while impressively drawing a fruit basket that was in the center of the table. Mine sucked, so I looked at his and said "Excuuse ME Picasso, I didn't know our lives depended on this drawing. So serious. You know what, why don't you quit the basketball team and put more time into your art. Jesus Christ." He botched every art project for the rest of the year.
Years of that shit, tormenting each other. Constantly watching what you say, making it look like you're not trying hard, or care about the outcome of anything you do. It turned us all into celery. The first time I had sex, I realized that moaning didn't really come out naturally for me. I thought about just doing it cause I knew I was supposed to. Then there was that reflex in the back of my mind, going outside of my body and picturing me moaning, and my buddy's voice going "WOW Cassanova listen to you! Yeah man, I bet she's just loving that." Yes. I heard my friends in my head when I lost my virginity. It was the first time, but it certainly wasn't the last. One time I had a girl whisper in my ear, "Talk dirty to me". I'm pretty sure I laughed. Like are you fucking insane? I don't know how thin these walls are? I immediately began to suspect her of collusion. Looked over at her phone to make sure she wasn't FaceTiming one of the boys. Like it was all some setup for me to say "you like that you dirty slut?" or something, and then I hear over speaker phone "HOLY SHIT YOU'RE A REGULAR OL FIFTY SHADES OF GREY AREN'T YOU!" After my mid-love making daydream I went mute. She wasn't a repeat offender, most of them aren't.
I thought about covering the girls' mouth during sex. I figured in their head they'll be like "oh shit he's kind of a freak" and in my head I didn't feel obligated to make noise if she couldn't. That's a slippery slope though, and I wasn't interested in catching a case. The best remedy I've found is blasting music. Your roommates will know every time you're having sex, but if you're ever feeling dangerous and let out a "damn" in your girl's ear, you don't have to worry about the homies hearing it. So to the few women who made the mistake of having sex with me, I know I looked like a joyless mime, but I swear I enjoyed it.
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