Did Everyone Know The Flash Actor Ezra Miller Was A Psycho?

Ezra Miller has had the cops called on him 10 times in the last month in Hawaii. With his craziest stunt yet being threatening the Bed and Breakfast couple he was staying with, but we’ll get to that. The countdown has officially begun to a mental health/drug addiction notes app apology. People aren’t too keen to having their super heroes arrested. Since DC and they’re a bit more dark, they’re dragging their feet. But this shit would not fly with Marvel.

Maybe Ezra’s a method actor. His personality sure comes off as someone who was looked over as a non-threat who’s actually capable of terrible things. Like The Flash. Or the orphan wizard that he plays in Fantastic Beasts that nearly destroys NYC. Or that time he played a school shooter in We Need To Talk About Kevin. Sensing a pattern here? His reality seems to be clashing with his characters. Characters that don’t face real life consequences. 

In a sense he’s right. Ezra Miller doesn’t play by the same rules as most of us. Take his relationship approach for example. After dating the likes of Shailene Woodley and Zoe Kravitz (Catwoman), Ezra didn’t find that quite fulfilling enough. He now dates a group of people, men and women, which he refers to as his “polycule”. After forming a connection with a new person, he admits them into his polycule and by default, everyone else he’s dating is now also dating the newly indoctrined member. I think? Here’s what he told Playboy about it, “And then they are in the squad- the polycule. And I know they’re going to love everyone else in the polycule because we’re in the polycule, and we love each other so much.” Who here can pull off dating forty or fifty or whatever number it is at once? Like I said, different set of rules. 

But I’ll tell you what rules he would abide by. 

As mentioned before, Ezra Miller has been having his way with Hawaii. Arguing with random people in public, filming people at gas stations, fucking with dudes playing darts, ripping microphones out of the hands of people singing at karaoke bars. Basically being a spoiled brat who thinks he can do whatever he wants.

It’s now surfaced that a couple in Hilo has filed a restraining order against Ezra Miller after he threatened the couple and stole their belongings. Apparently while staying in their Bed & Breakfast, Miller burst into their bedroom, taking their passports and wallets while telling the husband, “I will bury you and your slut wife.” 

I’m telling you right now….

I would bitch slap this motherfucker. From what I can gather on the internet, Ezra Miller is is 165 lbs. I would pick this little shit up by his ankles and keep him dangling in the air just so he could fully grasp just how little of a man he is. I’d walk to my phone with him still dangling and call the police. When the cops show up, I’d present him by the ankle like I’d caught a prized fish, while his face is beat red from the blood rush and constantly screaming shit like “Put me down this instant!”

I don’t give a fuck who he is or what he’s going through. You don’t get an entire life pass to do and say whatever you’re feeling every second of every day. I mean, he choked a female fan in Iceland for Christ sakes. No one is above being punched in the face. What Ezra Miller needs is to get his face smushed in the dirt. 

Ranking The Strangest NJ Trash Found At This Beach Sweep

During the winter, the New Jersey creatures crawl out of their holes to reclaim their beach domain. It’s reverse hibernation. You know that three bedroom house you split at the Jersey Shore that says it sleeps  18 people? Yeah those belong to crackheads in the winter for 1/20th the price you paid for summer. Anything that can happen does happen. Governor Murphy’s Law. Sherlock Holmes himself couldn’t figure out what this trash was used for during this beach clean up. But I can. 

25. Mason Jars Filled With Liquor

The South doesn’t have a monopoly on moonshine?

24. A Thong

You slutted it up all summer, don’t judge our winters.

23. Turkish Air Hygiene Kit

Honestly I’m just happy their was an attempt at hygiene, I don’t care where it came from. 

22. Empty Drug Baggies

Everyone enjoys watching a nice sunrise on the beach. 

21. A Glue Stick

For arts and crafts, duh?

20. A Mini Fridge

The best part about a mini fridge is you can place them where you otherwise wouldn’t have a refrigerator. 

19. A Partial Windshield

Hiding evidence. 

18. A Plastic Monkey

Hell yeah. 

17. A “Hunk Of Human Hair”

Does anyone know Trevor Bauer’s whereabouts this winter? 

16. Male Enhancement Pills

See above^^^. 

15. A Check For $1

Something is always better than nothing. 

14. A Used Narcan Kit

Shoot up responsibly. 

13. Tampon Applicators 

Aka Jersey beach whistles. What if there’s a shark?

12. A Bullet Casing

Extreme fishing. 

11. A Toilet Brush

Best way to get the sand off. 

10. Glow In The Dark Condom

Cosmic bowling meets sex on the beach. 

9. A TV Remote

It’s always the last place you check. 

8. A Lottery And A Parking Ticket

Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.

7. Full Set Of Dentures

Unfortunately, probably we’re taken out after the glow up rubber was flashed. Fortunate for someone though. 

6. Rosary Beads

God was abandoned on this beach. 

5. A Partial Bowling Ball

Honestly, no clue. 

4. An Accordian

Ok, there’s a sweet old man who plays an accordion year round at my beach and now I’m very nervous for him. 

3. CD Holder Filled With Limp Bizkit Albums

Anyone who still listens to Limp Bizkit does hard drugs. Someone told this guy to bring music for their dope circle and he didn’t fully understand the assignment. 

2. Set Of Braces

Orthodontists are too damn expensive these days. 

1. A Fake Eyeball

Have you ever seen someone take one of these out? Slippery little bastards. If it was dropped in the sand it belongs to the beach now. All the eye juice soaked up the sand and you can’t put that back in your socket. 

No one puts on a pretty face quite like the Jersey Shore. All of these beach sweeps are done by local volunteers. It’s a nice community day to be grossed out and talk shit. But it’s hard work. So I want you to remember their sacrifice when you’re nursing your hangover over a Kohl’s orange vanilla swirl with rainbow sprinkles while flashbacks of sweating it up on the dance floor with your neighbor from three houses down flash across your brain. Your summer of mistakes is only possible due to the good local folks who clean up after you’ve gone. 

Betting MLB Rookie Of The Year Longshots

This is one of the most interesting years for rookies in the MLB. If you happened to pay attention that nightmare of a lockout I’m sure you heard or read about time manipulation quite a few times. Very long story short if you’re unaware of what time manipulation is, it’s essentially keeping rookies in the minors longer so the owners can pay them less money. I don’t know if it’s owners operating in good faith post-lockout, but there are A LOT of top rookies that look like they’ll make the opening day roster. 

Oddly enough, both favorites to win the award will most likely start the season in Triple A. The current betting favorites are Bobby Witt Jr. of the Royals and Oneil Cruz from Pittsburgh. The Royals haven’t optioned Witt just yet but being that they cock teased us last year with giving him an Opening Day spot only for him not to play a single major league game doesn’t give me much confidence. Oneil Cruz was sent down to Triple-A today because the Pirates are the Pirates. But don’t expect him to be held down for too long. He’s a freak of nature as a 6’7”(!) shortstop who bounces balls off the moon. But we’re not here for favorites. 

Part of my reasoning for these picks will be sheer volume. All of these rookies are expected to have a role from April 7th on. It’s the Gary Sanchez rule. Gary should have won the ROY over Michael Fulmer his year but due to a late call up, Gary got shafted. So without further adieu. 

NATIONAL LEAGUE

3. Nick Lodolo CIN P +4000 BSSportsbook 

Everyone loves a good lefty. After the Reds traded away their top performers like Jesse Winker, Eugenio Suarez, and Sonny Gray, cracks were made to be slipped through. Lodolo has all but solidified a spot in an otherwise depleted Reds’ rotation. But damnit if he didn’t earn it. The former seventh overall pick has only allowed one run, through 7.1 innings pitched, one walk, and nine strikeouts this spring. MLB currently has him sitting as the 42nd overall prospect. 

2. McKenzie Gore SDP P +3300 BSSportsbook 

To say the McKenzie Gore hype train has lost some passengers would be an understatement. As the third overall pick out of high school in 2017, Gore was touted as sure as a sure thing could get. At 19 in Double-A he posted a 1.69 era which garnered him a Top 5 overall spot in prospect rankings for years. But the Padres kept trading for pitchers over and over and over again. In the last two seasons they’ve traded for their entire rotation- Joe Musgrove, Yu Darvish, Blake Snell, and Mike Clevinger. So wtf? Well  Gore apparently was having control issues stemming from a blister issue. His fall from grace has landed him in the 86th spot on MLB’s Top Prospects. But hold on…THAT’S MCKENZIE GORE’S MUSIC! Spring has done wonders for the former Top 5 prospect. In his last outing he threw three scoreless innings while whiffing five. Bringing his spring total to seven scoreless innings pitched. With a fastball in the mid-90’s, above average slider and curveball, I expect Gore to rack up wins with this talent stacked Padres team. 

1. CJ Abrams SDP SS +900

Remember when Fernando Tatis Jr. was moved to the outfield last year, and people thought “Hmm that’s a weird thing to do to a guy you just gave 340 million dollars to?” Yeah, enter CJ Abrams. Drafted 6th overall out of high school in 2019, Abrams showcased his talent immediately by winning the Arizona Rookie League MVP with a .401 average and swiping 14 bags in 32 games. He’s an above average hitter with decent pop and a good frame. Abram’s speed kills. He has the highest graded run tool amongst the top prospects. CJ is currently rated the 9th overall prospect in baseball. One’s man tragedy is another man’s opportunity. With Tatis out for three months, CJ Abrams should get his chance to prove he belongs. 

AMERICAN LEAGUE

3. Cristian Pache OAK OF +5000 DraftKings

FYI BSSportsbook still has him in the National League. Since Cristian Pache signed with the Braves in the International Draft in 2015 he’s found himself towards the top of the Top Prospects list. His fielding and speed are off the charts. Everyone is just waiting for his bat to catch up. After making the Braves Opening Day lineup last year, things were looking up. Unfortunately, after struggling early Pache was sent back down. He started to heat up from August on posting a slash line of .296/.349/.438. Cristian’s improvement at the plate earned him a decent amount of major league time during the Braves’ postseason run. During the off-season, Pache was the centerpiece in the Matt Olson trade between the A’s and Braves. Clearly Oakland is still buying stock in 23 year old if they gave up their best offensive player for him. With center fielder Ramon Laureano still serving 27 more games of his suspension, Pache should start the season with a “prove it” lineup spot. 

2. Reid Detmers LAA P +2500 BSSportsbook

Reid Detmers is a strikeout artist. So far this spring he’s had five scoreless innings with ten K’s. Just an angry amount of strikeouts. Angels drafted him 10th overall in 2020 out of Louisville. Detmers currently sits at the 21st spot of overall prospects. The Angels are getting back a healthy Mike Trout and Anthony Rendon. Jo Adell and Jared Walsh have elite power. Couple that with the most electrifying player in baseball, Shohei Ohtani, and I think you have more than enough potential wins for Detmers. Padding the stats in the wins and strikeout columns could be enough for the ROY nod. 

1. Jeremy Peña HOU SS +1200 BSSportsbook

Jeremy Peña was drafted out of the University of Maine for his flashy glove. But since turning pro his power has turned on. After returning last year from a wrist injury that cost him most of the season, Peña hit 10 dingers in only 30 Triple-A games. If you wondered why the Astros were so calm about letting Carlos Correa walk, this is why. Peña has the pop and speed to be a consistent 20/20 player, with an above average glove to boot. So far this spring Peña has hit .364 with three RBIs. Sure, it’s a small sample size but that hasn’t stopped the Astros from hyping him up. Former MVP Jose Altuve commented on the rookie saying, “He’s going to be a superstar. I can tell by his attitude. He cares. He wants to be the best.” Now that’s kind of a homer quote coming from a teammate, but opponents have said the same thing. Here’s what Robinson Cano had to say about Peña: “He’s an athlete. He can run. He can move, hit for power too. For me, he has all the tools. He’s going to be a superstar for sure.” With Correa gone, it’s likely that Peña can find himself slotted lead off on an already stacked Astros lineup. Opportunity plus multiple All-Stars dropping the dropping the “s-word” is good enough for my number one longshots pick. 

Baseball is right around the corner. About damn time. I was supposed to be in Vegas for Opening Day, fuckin lockout. But hey, given the way winter went I’ll take an early April start any day. With Ohtani and Soto making MVP no fun to bet on, we’re doing rookies this year. But remember, bet responsibly. 

PSA: Don’t Send Nudes To Catfish Profiles

Objectively speaking, people getting catfished is funny. We love seeing people getting tricked as long as it’s not us. There’s a whole MTV show dedicated to this premise. We point and laugh and say look at this idiot, how did they not know? If you pull back the layers, is it sad? Yeah probably, but sad things can be funny too. 

My best friend got catfished in high school. It was amazing. A very attractive girl with a very newly created profile added me and all of my friends on Facebook. As well as various other males in our area. My buddy took the cheese. We had no idea it was happening until his girlfriend at the time went through his phone and caught him. With the word out that he was texting another girl daily we confronted him. Low and behold it was the same girl who messaged all of us, that no one but him answered. He defended the validity of her existence. What choice did he have? He even showed us selfies she sent him to prove his point. Selfies, we pointed out, that were very google-able. So gathered around his phone, we had him give the girl specific instructions to prove she’s real. She cursed him out and couldn’t send the picture. Cause it was probably a dude. He turned beat red as we laughed and laughed and laughed. 

Kind of a victimless crime though, no? Besides my buddy’s ex girlfriend I suppose. But catfishing has taken on a whole new level. 

I don’t have the statistics, but I can confidently say that the number one way to be blackmailed today is by starting an internet relationship with someone you’ve never met. I don’t know how they pick and chose who to target but I’m sure it has something to do with watching porn on your phone. It’s only a theory but c’mon, you know it’s true. 

You can be texting for weeks, months even until they make their move. Things get hot and steamy. You send some texts that you know the boys would roast you for. But then you’re social media sweetheart asks for the nudes. Why someone would send themselves naked to somebody they’ve never seen before is beyond me. 

If your face isn’t in the picture and they try and squeeze you for money, you’re golden. That’s their mistake, say it could be anybody and they won’t have a leg to stand on. But if your face is in the picture, let’s face it, youre fucked. 

I know this one kid who started a “relationship” through Instagram. Very much out of his league but hope can do strange things to rational people. She sent him some racy photos (understatement) and asked him to return the favor. As soon as he sent his dick and balls, she sent back a list of his Instagram friends that that picture would be sent to if he didn’t Zelle her five grand. He didn’t have the money, the catfish kept their word. 

It isn’t always nudes either. I know another kid who didn’t come from much money. He was a bit dorky in high school but girls started to give him more attention as he grew a knack for making smart investments. Young guy, twenty-four years old. Same thing, a girl hit him up on Instagram. He admitted to wanting to impress her and told her all about his investments. She, as luck would have it, was an investor herself. She let him in on a couple investments that were a “sure thing” that they could do together. 75k and 0 responses later, he knew he’d been conned. 

It’s not always men being catfished either. Unfortunately I know one woman, grown, kids of her own, who fell for a Facebook relationship. She had been divorced for two years, her dog had just died, and her knight in shining armor had shown up just in time. She told this man her hopes, dreams, and fears. She shared really intimate stuff. Sadly too intimate. The second she sent herself naked to the guy messaging her in broken English he responded by demanding money from her. He told her he’d send the photo to all her friends and family if she didn’t. She sent him 10k to hush it all up. They didn’t stop there, weeks later he asked for another 10k. When she told him she couldn’t afford that, he sent the pictures to her kids, friends, and co-workers. The stuff of nightmares. 

If you find yourself literally caught with your pants down, don’t send the money. They’ll send out your pictures either way. It’s better to be naked and embarrassed than naked, embarrassed, and broke. 

All of these horror stories are 100% true. Little fyi, I just now realized that I made it sound that this happened to me. It did not. I’ll swear on anything you ask me too. 

With our grandparents generation they exploited family ties and scammed by asking for fake bail money for their grandparents. With our parents generation, they saw their hopes to get rich quick and hit them with the fake inheritance scam. We sat back and laughed at how they were idiots who couldn’t responsibly navigate the internet. Then the scammers realized how horny we all are, and now we’re on the chopping block. Keep your dignity, keep your money, don’t be catfished. Be a champion today, rub one out like the rest of us lonelies. 

Miami Man Steals $15k Worth Of Left Shoes

You all thought Alfred was bullshitting when he said, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.” Queue the Riff Raff, Tip toein in my jawwdan’s.This man is either a peg legged shoe pirate or he revels in watching the world delve deeper into chaos. OR he’s just the dumbest criminal of all time. 

You can watch the video of this criminal mastermind here accompanied by an article from Miami’s Channel 7 News. If I may, I’d like to take a crack at some of the things mentioned in the article. 

“When the crook couldn’t get into Luxe Miami from the front of the store, he decided to get inside by cutting a hole in the roof.”

It goes on to say that this all occurred at 2:30. AM. In Miami. Okay so clearly we’re not dealing with so calculated attack here. I know drunk behavior when I see it, and this is a drunk man. Which would also explain the whole only taking the left shoes bit. Sober criminals don’t try the front door first. 

“These crooks, they actually made three holes on top of the roof, two of them not being in this business..” 

I’m sorry crooks? CrookS, like with an “s”? Crooks makes it sound like this was a predmeditated heist that was planned out by multiple people. Like they lowered the guy in Mission Impossible style and no one argued when he sent back up only left shoes. Three holes made in the roof, the first two were in the wrong store. That’s because the guy was hammered.

If you want to catch the Left Foot Bandit, make a list of every bar and club in a two mile radius. Ask for every surveillance footage from 1:00 to 2:30 and watch the guy walk out. Once you pin down the bar see what card he used for his tab and there you have it. 

The poor owner went on to say that he just wants the shoes back and wouldn’t even turn the guy into the police. Unfortunately for him, there’s two types of people who wake up after a night of drinking and fucking up. The kind that wake up and see 100 left footed Yeezy’s and Jordan’s and think oh fuck I need to fix this. And then kind that says I’m going to pretend this never happened, get rid of the evidence I don’t want to look at it. Let’s hope for the former. 

Heisman Winner Bryce Young Could Have Brought Alabama To The Sweet 16

Sadly, the Alabama basketball season came to a close this past weekend. We don’t have to get into how unfair it is to play Notre Dame so close to St. Patrick’s Day. Coming on the heels of a Sweet 16 appearance last year I had high hopes for the program this year. Year three of the Nate Oats project was underwhelming to say the least. 

This is the most Jekyll and Hyde team I’ve ever come across. They beat three of last year’s Final Four teams with wins over Gonzaga, Baylor, and Houston. Then turn around and get waxed by two teams under .500 in Missouri and Georgia. 

What was this team missing? A leader. A superior athlete with a proven leadership pedigree. One like Alabama’s own, Bryce Young. 

https://twitter.com/overtime/status/1504503298044350465?s=21

Bryce Young is absolutely balling out in that video above. Cookin dudes. Snatching ankles, pulling up from the 50 yard line, lockdown defense, tear drops that would make Steph Curry blush, the guy can do it all. It doesn’t matter that the opponents look like the YMCA JV squad. Talent is talent. 

Unfortunately for us, and Nate Oats, Nick Saban is notoriously strict on two way athletes. People forget, that’s how the Tide lost out on Birmingham native Jameis Winston to Florida State. So I guess we’ll never know. 

I said before this tournament started that this team would only go as far as Jahvon Quinerly takes them. Well he took us about three minutes into the first half before his knee exploded. Wish him the best. But if there’s one silver lining here, always remember that Auburn’s best team in school history couldn’t even make it to the Sweet 16. They lost to the same Miami team that the Tide smoked 96-64. So itso facto we’re their boss. Poor Eagle. 

Different Types Of March Madness Bettors

There are two times in a calendar year that make me believe in magic like I did as a child: post season baseball and the March Madness tournament. During these events superstition isn’t some whacky fantasy, it’s an art form. Switching seats can have you tarred and feathered, hats become artifacts, and leaving the room for a piss can cost you your viewership if someone goes on a timely run. With gambling legalizing inch by inch, this practice has increased tenfold. 

My friends and I take off of work every year for the first day of the tournament. It’s been a tradition ever since we’ve had jobs. We take over a bar that we know will be empty at 11:00am and slowly slip into the madness as more and more people file in after they clock out. It’s difficult to pry your eyes from the screens but if you take a second to look around you’ll see the various forms of gamblers in their natural habitat. 

PARLAY GUY

Parlay guy is just there for a good time. He doesn’t know shit about shit but he’s not going to miss this now rare chance to day drink. The parlay bettor orders a round of fireball shots under two minutes in a one possession game. He’s shooting for the moon and keeps telling everyone if he hits big we’re going to the strip club. 

THE LIVE BETTOR

This is the guy who thinks he’s cracked the secret code because he bet Gonzaga when they were down six at the beginning of the game. Live betting has always been avaible but somehow this guy now thinks he’s smarter than everyone for “discovering” it. They peacock around the room when it pays off. But if they don’t hit they shrug and say “I knew they were probably out of it but it was worth the odds.” 

$10 BRACKET GUY

Easily the worst person in the room. While some people are worried about how they’re going to make their next car payment this guy is losing his ever loving mind on each possession for bragging rights in his shitty office. He smirks out “I had that one” after every win as you’re trying to figure out the best way to claw back.

THE VETERAN

This guy still has an off shore account despite the multiple legal sportsbooks. He either started off humble and got hot or started off hot and got humbled. They’re suspiciously quiet as they suck their teeth and grip the bar too tight on long threes. You’re not sure who they have money on until there’s an alley oop or a transition block. 

THE “I TOLD YOU SO” GUY

This person doesn’t bet for themselves, they gamble so other people know they gamble. They’ve bet every 12 seed so when they inevitably upset a 5 they get to call everyone a fuckin idiot who “didn’t see it coming”. This guy is the same dude who just so happens to announce how much he has on a game every time the bartender comes around like that’s somehow going to impress her. 

THE FAKE HOMER

This is the person who says they’re a fan of team but would struggle naming the starting five. They’ve maybe watched three games all season but now all of a sudden every offensive rebound is life or death. A lot of the times they just like the football program so that somehow translates to March Madness loyalty. Or even worse, the guy who’s Dad took him to a St. Peter’s game when they were young because it’s 35 minutes up the parkway. No, you didn’t know they were going to beat Kentucky, you stupid liar. 

_______________________________________________

If anyone pretends like they know what’s going to happen they’re lying to you. They don’t call it March Madness by accident. Majority of the people having a good weekend just stumbled onto the right side of luck. For the rest of us, our fate hangs in the balance of those 10:00 slots- hoping, praying, and pleading that the madness falls in our favor just one last time. 

Everyone Moonlights As An Unfound And Unpaid Media Star

It’s crossed all our minds. You see someone getting famous for dumb shit on the internet and think, “Well hell, I can do that.” So you put yourself out there. Make a fool of yourself. Lose yourself in the fantasy of ditching that 9-5. But at what point do you step in as a friend and tell them to stop. How long do you allow the charade to carry on knowing they’re shit, and that friends and foes alike text behind their back about how shit they are. The hard truth is that dreams don’t crash and burn in a blaze of glory, they die quietly and unceremoniously. 

This kid from my town just put out a poem book. Fancies himself a poet now. He’s been posting samples to all his socials thinking people will repost them like he’s rupi kaur or something. I don’t know how to describe it besides it’s just God awful. I know that’s not a very nice thing to say but he’s a very opinionated and judgmental person so we enjoy laughing behind his back. I wish I could say I respect him for going for it, I really do. But I’m just not that person. The only thing I feel for him is pity. Pity that he doesn’t have a single honest friend to kindly tell him, “Hey man, this shit sucks.” In fact they’re enabling him. Posting their receipts of their $18.95 purchases with captions of, “Support your friends!”. No “Hey buy this book it’s awesome,” captions. Of course not, cause they know. 

But then I began to look internally. Glass houses and all. 

I have a friend who thinks he’s a beat writer. He Tweets play by plays of games like people are going to him for their sports updates. Not a single like. What do my friends do? Send the Tweets to each other separately like “Who does this motherfucker think he is?” Look if that’s your dream to cover sports, fine. By all means go for it. But maybe you should’ve done more than one year of community college if you were serious about this. Granted, I don’t know how one becomes a beat writer. I don’t think you can major in breaking scoops. Maybe you can gain a large enough following to the point where professional athletes tell you the secrets of their most important life decisions. I just don’t think you can get there by being professional half the time and spending the other half calling potential 14 year olds pussies on the internet for saying Jokic is better than Embiid. 

Or how about the friend who’s being held hostage on Tik Tok. A lot of us have that friend forced to make videos at gunpoint by their significant other. Don’t get me wrong, Tik Tok creates more overnight superstars than probably any other platform. But are your couple friends going to buy a mansion because they have a cute puppy while that lasts and they lip sync the same played out trends that every other couple is doing at the time. No. But are you going to tell them that? Not a chance. You’re going to get the videos sent to you, say Jesus Christ under your breath and carry on with your day. 

What about me? Who the fuck do I think I am having this moral high ground on chasing dreams? How many hours have I spent in boxers writing out blogs on my iPhone that nobody reads. What’re my odds of doing something I’m passionate about as I crawl my way closer and closer to thirty. Will one of my friends let me know when it’s time to hang ‘em up? No they won’t because I never allowed that option. None of them even know I write blogs. 

Be a good friend, remain supportive. Screenshot the embarrassing moments and talk shit behind their backs like ladies and gentlemen. Because the reality is the world needs accountants and roofers and teachers and store managers. Unfortunately for the majority of us, the idea, the fantasy, the pursuit of the dream is going to have to be enough. 

Josh Peck From Nickelodeon Has Been Cast In The New Christopher Nolan Movie

I’m a big fan of the glow up from goofy fat guy in Hollywood to Oscar-esque actors. Being a big bone-r myself, it’s gives the good guys something to aspire to. These bigger guys in their former years tend to be type-cast as the funny friend prone to slapstick comedy. Fart/fall/puke, you know the role. But all they need is that one chance in a serious movie. 

Sorry Jonah I know you hate this, but Jonah Hill is our king trailblazer. His characters in Superbad, Get Him To The Greek, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Accepted, and Grandma’s Boy were all the same person. But you give a guy like Jonah Hill a chance to showcase his talent in Money Ball, next thing you know Taretino’s hitting him up for Django and he’s gallivanting with Leo on yachts in Wolf Of Wall Street. 

The most recent development to the big boys community is that Josh Peck has been cast in the new Christopher Nolan movie. I think it’s illegal to be a bad actor in a Christopher Nolan movie. Does Christopher Nolan even make movies? I think contractually speaking we have to call them films. I mean look at this cast list for the upcoming film- Cillian Murphy, Robert Downey Jr., Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, Florence Pugh, and Rami Malek. Looking at that lineup who pops in to your head next? It better be Josh Peck cause he’s on deck. 

You know who Josh Peck is right? I don’t know how many Oscar winners got their start on Nickelodeon’s All That, but Josh is primed to make history. He also starred in Max Keeble. You know, as the funny fat friend, Robe, who wears a bathrobe to school every day and throws up on himself when he gets locked in a trophy case. But Josh is probably most well known for starring in the titular role of the beloved Nickelodeon show “Drake and Josh”. Fucking classic really. Every preteen from my era can read “Meeegan” and “HUG ME BROTHA” and know exactly what it’s supposed to sound like. Not to mention, as far as movie premieres go, Drake and Josh’s “Really Big Shrimp” put asses in the seats. I don’t see how this is any different. 

The movie in question, Oppenheimer is biopic thriller on the life of the man who contributed to creating the atom bomb. Personally, I don’t see how Josh Peck pulls this off.

No wait. I’m doing exactly what all you skinny bitches have been doing for years. Even though Josh isn’t fat anymore, his former shirt size created a bond that supersedes what any scale today reads. I don’t know the extent of Josh Peck’s role in the film, but I fully expect him to win Best Supporting Actor. 

Vying For Celebrities Attention On Social Media

Let’s start out by saying I see the irony and I’m just going to look right past it. I can’t describe to you the feeling I get when I hate people. I love hating. I look forward to it actually, it can turn my whole day around. Hate gets a bad rep, probably for the best. But there’s two kinds of hate: the illegal and divisive kind and the wholesome, harmonic kind. You actually can healthily generalize a group of people to hate. For instance Disney adults, people who go under the speed limit in the fast lane, and white guys who post pictures of themselves in a club and caption it “blessed”. But today I want to confront one of my most frequent groups I hate, the celebrity “pick me” crowd on social media. 

We’re more connected to the upper echelon than ever before. People jingle their virtual tin cans on Twitter and majority of the time are stepped over. It’s always been that way I suppose, it’s just more accessible now. All you need to know is how to download an app. People used to have to find celebrities in the wild like they were Pokémon. My father and I used to do it, in a sense. We were big baseball card show guys. But that was a father/son thing when I was a child. 

Maybe it’s something that comes with age. The older I get the whole shock and awe towards celebrities seems silly to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not above it entirely. There’s still people I’d lose my shit over if I saw them walking down the street. But to constantly tug at their coattails on the internet is flat out embarrassing. 

There are full on accounts who’s sole purpose is to get somebody they idolize to notice them. Twitter accounts entirely contrived of replies. What’s the payoff for reply guys? Alright let’s say they respond to your tweet. Maybe even favorite it. Do you think you guys are best friends now? Is this your big break? Or is it mission completed? You print out the celebrity’s response to you, frame it for your wall and call it a day.

The like button crowd on Instagram is certainly more reasonable but just as funny. Realistically speaking a guy is only liking an Instagram post for three reasons. Something looks cool as hell, their sports team did something, or they wanna bang the person. We all follow celebrities, sure. But lookings for free, tapping will cost ya. Instagram has done all you little perverts so dirty. Now whenever I scroll past a celebrity post it highlights one or two of my friends and 1million people like this. Makes my mouth water. What do you think’s gonna happen? Rihanna is going to comb through the eight million likes on her post to find you? You’re the one Rihanna’s been waiting on? Ok sure, let’s say she does. Then what? Rihanna is going to come to Hazlet, New Jersey? For what? So you can wildly underwhelm her in your childhood bedroom while your mom’s downstairs watching Wheel Of Fortune? Go get her tiger. 

And you know what? These celebrities get way too much fucking credit for the times they do respond. Like everyone puts on this massive show when one of them comes down from their pantheon to grace us with a few words. I don’t want to shit on Christian Yelich cause I like the guy, but take his “Relax Roxanne” tweet as an example. Some weirdo lady tweeted at Yelich about her disappointment in him for posing naked in ESPN’s body issue. Just a weird thing to be upset about. Yelich quote tweeted it and said “Relax Roxanne” and everybody lost their ever loving minds. It wasn’t even clever? “omg Yelich just BODIED a woman on Twitter”, “public execution!”, “y’all wanna see a dead body?!”. T-shirts were made in it’s honor. But all it was was a very normal person response from Christian Yelich. 

Celebrities don’t know something you and I don’t. They’re just very good looking. Or very athletic. If you need a reminder of “celebrities, they’re just like us” take a look at this Kanye shit going on. Whomst among us hasn’t had a friend see their ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend at Bar A and tried to start a fight. Ok, maybe we don’t make music videos picturing a cartoon beheading of them, but still. Restraining orders and custody battles are for celebrities too. With each Tweet and Instagram post, Kanye slips deeper and deeper into insanity. But like clockwork, there’s 20k comments chanting “Ye’s the goat!”

We’ve all seen our screen time reports. Or deliberately avoid seeing how much time we spent on our phone. Take it all in, there’s a lot to hate out there. Embrace the hate. Revel in it. But hate for the right reasons. Hate is for everybody, an inclusive community. Don’t weaponize hate? That’s hateful. Always, hate responsibly. And watch your tweets and likes, because if you don’t I will. 

Tik Tok Beef Of The Century

We can all pretend that we don’t care about drama until the cows come home. You don’t care who Kim Kardashian’s fucking, you don’t care what the teenagers on Tik Tok are doing, or what Nick Cannon’s latest baby momma has to say. Yeah yeah me either. But I still I click, still I steady my finger on the scroll by. I’m not afraid to admit, this latest Tik Tok beef has my undivided attention. 

It’s rare that we get an online feud where both sides get shit on ruthlessly. When both sides are equally hated, the reaction videos pump out nothing but gold. Meet the players in the beef that’s taken Tik Tok by storm: Modern Warrior (Lance Tsosie) and Chealsea Hart. 

Modern Warrior has built his platform shitting on white people. I’m not going to sugar coat it, I think he’d proudly agree with me. Majority of his Tik Toks start out by saying “Hey Colonizer” and then blaming anyone with fairer skin for the atrocities done to the native community that happened centuries ago. I don’t know, I’ve always found him pretty funny. He makes people reeeeally really mad. Unreasonably mad. And he legitimately thinks he’s a warrior. Like he’s taking on the entire country but really he’s just stirring up angry co-eds who pack half a tin in one lip. Then he’ll turn around and post thirst traps of himself shirtless and chopping wood. Like, I know what you’re doing dude. 

Then there’s Chelsea. Everything you need to know about Chelsea can be found in her pinned Tik Toks here and here. She’s not a big fan of men. In fact, most of her videos are contrived of reminding us just how much she is not a fan of men. All while doing this weird hybrid British accent because apparently she did a stint in London. So much so that she has to put in her profile “I’m not British.” Right under that Chelsea tells us she’s “Queer AF”, which, fair play, since the hating men thing. In fact she made a video saying that when she says she hates all men she doesn’t mean Modern Warrior. Well, well, well. 

In a series of a bunch of Tik Toks on Chelseaheartisme we learn that our Modern Warrior and Chelsea Hart fell into a romantic involvement. A relationship that Chelsea claims Lance promised her was exclusive. When Chelsea found out that Lance was slinging cock around the country she was not a happy camper. Chelsea claims that she was manipulated into a sexual assault and Lance made a response video apologizing for not being an effective communicator. 

That’s when we got one of the wackiest Tik Toks ever made: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZTdUF2y6v/?k=1

Modern Warrior you raw doggin sonofabitch! A lot of alleged information in one video. Chelsea off the rip claims that she “may be” pregnant with Lance’s child. Then goes into her trauma of losing a child and implies MW used that vulnerability to boogie. Then there’s the “yOu FuCkInG kNeW!” line that I’ve watched no less than 100 times. Couple in the great lighting and the music in the background for dramatic effect and we got ourselves a slugfestt. 

A lot of the reporting from here on out is hearsay and conjecture from reaction videos. Plus some DMs posted from the “influencers”. Lance claims that he spoke with Chelsea about being polyamorous which he thought she understood. Chelsea found another Tik Tokker with strikingly similar features from skin tone to haircut who claims Modern Warrior did the exact same thing to her.

Women who had experienced miscarriages and sexual assault ran to Chelsea’s defense. Rightfully so, I assume both traumatic experiences are two of the worst things that could happen to a woman. But as the layers on this situation get peeled back, the implications might have been interpreted a bit prematurely. 

The alleged sexual assault isn’t defined as sexual assault in any law im aware of. Chelsea says that Modern Warrior denied her “informed consent”. Meaning that if she knew that he was sleeping with other women, she wouldn’t have slept with him. As far as Chelsea losing a child is concerned, it was an abortion, not a miscarriage. Now I’m not saying that an abortion isn’t a traumatic experience in itself, but the information given now seems intentionally vague. The women who initially ran to Chelsea’s defense were now bashing her for using the horrible experiences that they’ve actually endured as a way to  garner likes on her video. 

Chelsea recruited another Tik Tokker, bananaamarie, who claims she had an identical story as Chelsea. Bananaamarie video gives legitimacy to Chelsea’s claims of Lance’s manipulations towards sex with women. Chelsea even went as far as calling her a “god sent”. But the pendulum wasn’t quite done swinging. A day later Bananaamarie made a follow up video stating Chelsea was blowing her phone up pressuring her into what to say, what not to say, and what to post or not post. She also claims that Chelsea is crying mental health, pregnancy, and “white women tears” for likes and followers on Tik Tok.

To further the insinuation that Chelsea uses tragedy for “clout chasing” British comedians have now threw their hat in the ring. Allegedly Chelsea was involved with a comedian while she was in London. When the two split, Chelsea claimed she was assaulted because the man posted a picture of the two of them in bed with her “shoulders exposed”. The comedian then had a multitude of shows canceled before a big comedy festival in the UK. Apparently Chelsea hasn’t been well received across the pond since the incident. 

The peanut gallery is fire. People of all races, ages, and walks of life have come out to shit on both Modern Warrior and Chelsea Hart. For a pessimist and lover of falls from grace of self righteous people, this is Christmas for a guy like me. In classic 2022 fashion we have a white person hater raw dogging multiple white women under false pretenses, and a holier than thou queer man-hater possibly pregnant(?) from a wiener, all the while the internets got the popcorn locked and loaded. 

How Sure Are We That Coach K Is Retiring?

There’s a weird superstition that organically surrounds the game of basketball. Every person who’s ever had a shoot around has found themselves in this position. You know you’re done, it’s time to go, but you tell yourself  “one more shot”. You hit off the back rim and it flies 15 feet into the corner. “Okay, can’t end it on that.” You sprint towards the ball and in one swift motion pull off a sick fadeaway from the corner. Miss. What do you do? You keep shooting until the last real shot goes in, can’t end on a miss. 

Just because I don’t think people can ever hate me enough, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. At one point in my life* I was an Alabama, Yankee, and Duke fan. Finished your spasm yet? Alabama because I went there, Yankee fan because born in Jersey, and Duke fan because we used to have a German Shepherd named Duke and JJ Reddick was fire. My Dad even somehow got Coach K to write me a letter and a signed team picture for Christmas one year. So I don’t hate Coach K like the rest of you. Love him actually. 

Given the circus that occurred in Cameron on Saturday, how do we think Coach K feels? The guy’s 75 and won the country gold medals, have a heart. The man has the most wins in college history. The most tournament wins in college history. Second all time final four appearances with twelve. Second most national championships of all time with five. Now we’re hearing all this “legacy” scuttlebutt. Can all of that be erased by one season? By one game? It’s sure feeling that way, right?

After forty seven years of coaching, who is there to compare Coach K too? Who has the amount of time out for a worthy case study comparison? There’s only one that I could find and it’s a college football counterpart. 

Joe Paterno coached at Penn State for 46 years, from 1966-2011. One less year than Coach K at Duke. His last year coaching was one of his best posting an 8-1 record. No bowl appearance though. Could one final Rose Bowl appearance turned the tide? Did he retire too soon? Leaving prematurely must really make a coach’s head spin. Do you think Joe Pa has regrets? How did his ride off into the sunset go? I’ll tell you, he died two months later. Is that what you really want for Coach K?

Only way Coach K can redeem the season is if he wins the tournament. But honestly, what’re the chances that happens? Let’s look at the flip side. Let’s say Duke gets bounced in the first round of the tournament. You think that’s how Mike Krzyzewski walks off the basketball court for the last time? Of course not, he’ll sprint to the corner for a fadeaway. Can’t end on a miss. Who says no, Duke?!

*I’d consider myself an Alabama basketball fan now. 

South Park Still Doesn’t Give A Fuck, Does A Putin Episode

For years now we’ve debated back and forth on where the comedy line should be drawn. It’s evident in the last twenty years that the goal posts have been moved. SNL is unrecognizable, stand up comedians are pulling punches, “The Office couldn’t be made today”, we’ve all heard the arguments. Only one entity has remained a constant- South Park. 

I’ll never understand how people aren’t amazed by South Park. Their willingness and genius to create episodes in a week to keep them relevant in current event satire is astounding. Their latest victim, Vladimir Putin. 

The episode “Back To The Cold War” mirrors two battles. The troops on the ground and the establishments that back them. Expect the troops on the ground is Butters vs a little Russian kid is a dressage competition. The men behind the curtain? Mr. Mackey vs Vladimir Putin. 

It had all the makings of a classic 80’s good guy vs. bad guy movie with a very obvious Cold War backdrop. In the end, Mr. Mackey’s mother asks him if his peepee is m’kay. While addressing the media after the dressage tournament, Mr. Mackey passes along the wisdom that his mother imposed on him. That just because their dicks no longer work at this age, doesn’t mean they have to sit in their rooms and play war games again like they did as children. This seems to strike a chord in Putin as the camera cuts to him with his shirt off and he lets out a “Da” under his breath. 

World leaders are currently holding their collective breath. They’re debating on Russian sanctions, no fly zones, and what their role should be in the current wartime conflict. Meanwhile, Matt Stone and Trey Parker are publicy shaming Putin on National television blaming his aggression on no longer being able to get his cock up. Now that’s ‘Merica. 

No Such Thing As Bad Press: Tinder Swindler Charging $199 For Cameos

Yassss secure that bag sis!! Oh sorry, are we not still doing that? Okay let me start over. Noted piece of shit, Simon Leviev aka The Tinder Swindler is reportedly making bank on Cameo for $200 video messages. If this blue check Tik Toker is to be believed, Simon made more than 30k in his first three days on the app. 

If you’re unfamiliar with Simon Leviev’s tactics go watch The Tinder Swindler on Netflix. It’s an interesting study into how we’re so easily manipulated into believing whatever we see on the internet. Because Simon posted pictures of himself flying private to expensive clubs in designer clothes with good looking women he was able to steal money from women who believed they were dating him. 

Simon has never served jail time for the alleged fraud he committed in the Netflix documentary. I say “alleged” because technically it is, but he absolutely did that shit. Leviev got fifteen months and a 44k fine for previous crimes in Israel which he wound up serving a measly five months for. 

Now a free man, Leviev appears to be living the same lifestyle he grew accustomed to before prison. Whether it’s his new found fame that’s given him friends in high places or he’s still swindling horny singles on the internet, one things for sure, the money is still coming in. 

It’s funny how we line the pockets of the monsters we create. He was a dickhead before Netflix obviously, we didn’t create that. But the irony now is that the notoriety that Simon amassed from the documentary has given him more revenue streams than ever before. And now they’re legit, like Cameo.

You don’t need to buy a cameo to watch Simon’s videos. There are previously purchased videos that are avaible for public viewing. There’s something about someone being so hated and doubling down by mocking what they’re hated for that gets me every time. All the videos are like “Heyy {inset name} happy birthday! Your boyfriend needs you to protect him from his many enemies!” He even tells one girl “You cannot copy my trick of using his credit cards.” What a set of balls. 

Apparently Leviev has threatened to sue Netflix for defamation. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Netflix gave Simon the path towards legitimacy with reportedly signing an agent for a dating show, charging ungodly prices for club appearances, and now sending out daily Cameos at $200 a pop. 

If you’re the type for happy endings, fret not. The victims and stars of The Tinder Swindler have started a gofundme that’s raised of 200k so far. If you’re really feeling that bad for them, put your money where your mouth is: https://www.gofundme.com/f/75c8gg-help-the-victims-of-the-tinder-swindler 

Survivor Preseason Betting Rankings Based On Internet Profiles

I’m sure sportsbooks can’t pick up Survivor betting since it’s pre recorded. But if you’re like my buddies and I, do a buy in, draft a squad fantasy style, and whoever picks the winner takes the pot. 

My previous Survivor rankings did alright. I had the winner at sixth overall and the runner up third. Not amazing, but solid. In my defense, Survivor took quite the Covid hiatus and I was out of practice. HOWEVER, I nailed my Big Brother preseason rankings with the winner slotted number one overall. 

Survivor has transitioned into a much softer show. Even with last year’s tweaks of less food and shelter it felt like the most kumbaya season yet. I understand that current climates naturally affect contestant behavior but it feels like production is leaning too much into it. It’s been like that for a solid ten seasons now, but it’s like Madden to me - I know it’s going to be the same game every year but I’m too invested to turn back now. 

I miss villains. I miss the cutthroats, and the drama, and manipulating emotions instead of talking them out. If there’s one thing Bruce Willis movies have taught me it’s that true survival doesn’t care about your feelings. Survivor has become just as much about surviving your perception on Twitter post-production as it is surviving Fiji. 

But alas, it appears that we’ve been subjected to another cast composed of mostly Hot Topic employees. Best way to avoid the Twitter mob is to choose the ones holding the pitchforks. So without further adieu, my rankings. 

*Keep in mind this site stinks so the pictures probably won’t load but know they’re there. 

18. Daniel Strunk, 30

Daniel introduced himself as a chunky guy that Vegas shouldn’t bet on. I’m not betting on a guy who isn’t betting on himself. Yeah, he’s a lawyer but a socially awkward one. Which is probably why he’s currently a clerk for a judge because I’d wager you could make him cry in a court room. Sorry Danny boy, but someone’s gotta be the worst and I’m guessing it’s you. 

17. Omar Zahedan, 31

Another contestant that’s not exactly physically intimidating. Starting with three tribes leaves everyone vulnerable to tribal. With no where to hide, I think Omar will be too much of a liability to keep around. Going with the recent season trend of males on the early chopping block, I don’t see Omar bringing a lot to the table. He’s leaning way too much into this “exotic vetnarian” thing. I don’t think it translates at all. Who gives a fuck. He’s already bothering me with it so imagine he’ll do the same to people on the beach. 

16. Lydia Meredith, 22

Mannerisms hold a lot of weight in my rankings. In Lydia’s introductory video she did this annoying ass peace sign and I immediately knew she didn’t have what it takes. You either understand that or you don’t. Lydia is a server/bartender and strikes me as the type who preaches the hardships of service industry workers and constantly brags about how much she tips no matter how bad the service is. We’ve all worked in a restaurant, no one cares. 

15. Mike Turner, 51

The two biggest reasons why people are snuffed out at the beginning is being a comp liability and thinking you’re the boss when setting up initial camps. I predict Mike to be the latter. I have a feeling he won’t have the social awareness to code switch when talking to the younger generation. I know what production is trying to do. They’re selling us a knockoff Tony Vlachos. Tony was a Jersey City cop, Mike’s a firefighter in the neighboring city of Hoboken. Mike’s mistake will be thinking he’s Tony. There’s only one Tony Vlachos. 

14. Jackson Fox, 48

Jackson’s a tricky one to crack. Sure he looks physically capable but outside of that I can’t find much more to say. Being transgender could make for a nice winning story but I’m not sure he’s up to the task to get that far. Honestly, I found Jackson boring. His video and profile left a lot to be desired. 

13. Lindsay Dolashewich, 31

This is more of a homer ranking. I’m aware of the people in the area where Lindsay grew up and find them annoying. But the only thing more annoying than them are people who move to Asbury Park, which she did. Just trust me on this one she has no shot. 

12. Maryann Oketch, 24

Maryanne doesn’t strike me as the most physically competent. I don’t think she’ll be a liability but as the herd starts to thin she’ll find herself as a comp casualty. Everything about her profiles scream that she’s way too nice to be here. Because of that I don’t think she’s capable of making the backstabbing moves required to stay in the game. She reminds me a lot of last season’s Genie. 

11. Tori Meehan, 25

I hate to say it but retina rockets like Tori haven’t fared too well in recent seasons. They come off as too “high school mean girl” for anyone to trust, something she addresses in her video. But anyone who says “Jesus is number one” in their introductory video seems like the type to push their views onto people. The only reason I even have Tori this low is because of her occupation as a therapist. Communication could be there and she might surprise me, but I doubt it. 

10. Zack Wurtenberger, 21 

Zack has the chance to be a very good social player in this game. His apprehension with the physical aspect has me worried that he won’t be much of a complete player. Ultimately, I believe Zack’s debate background and immaturity is going to social him into a corner that he can’t get out of. 

9. Jenny Kim, 43

Despite the ranking, I really like the Jenny. I think she has the physicality and social maturity to make a push in this game. I’m just not confident that “New York designer” will mesh well with this group. I put Jenny in the middle of the pack because when the game gets nitty gritty I don’t expect Jenny to have strong enough ally bonds to make it to the next level. 

8. Rocksroy Bailey, 44

I think America is going to wind up falling in love with Rocksroy. Myself included. He’s a jolly stay at home dad built like a brick shit house. With a dope ass name to boot. His strategy is to be a provider for the tribe and I simply believe he’s going to be out provider’d after the merge. Rocksroy will fall victim to the “this guy is going to win it all if we don’t get him out now” play. 

7. Marya Sherron, 47

Before you jump down my throat, I don’t have an inkling of faith in Marya winning this thing. Every season has the tribe mom who’s too nice to write down. I have Marya pegged as our sacrificial lamb of the season because she’s a sweetheart. I mean, her pet peeves are “mean people!”, how adorable. Everyone needs a mom on a deserted island. 

6. Swati Goel, 19

All contenders at this point. This is our young superfan of the season. Swati got into every Ivy League school she applied to. Which tells me not only does she have the brains, but a craving for competition. As if the brains weren’t enough, her National Guard enlistment and basic combat training gives us the cherry on top to an already impressive resume. The only reason I don’t have Swati lower is that I predict her age and intelligence might negatively impact her social game. Some people are too smart for their own good in this game. 

5. Romeo Escobar, 37

What a story Romeo would have at the final tribal. Growing up in Central America where he claims he grew accustomed to not always having the luxury of electricity and water. Immediate advantage. Add in dodging gang violence as a gay man growing up in South Central LA and you got yourself a case my friend. I think Romeo will be a mix of Naseer and Ricard from last season. Which sounds like a compliment, but it also has the making of a very large target being drawn on his back. 

4. Chanelle Howell, 29

I can’t explain it other than Chanelle has the look. Maybe it’s because she’s a negotiater by trade, but Chanelle has the cunning cutthroat personality that I look forward to each season. I think she’ll have the initiative to create a strong alliance between brains and brawn that will get her far in this game. My only fear is that she’ll have too much blood on her hands to get over that final hump. 

3. Jonathan Young, 29

Jonathan checks a lot of the Survivor boxes. An absolute piss missile but the demeanor of the surfer dude. Jonathan claims that he spearfishes daily which is a massive advantage. We’re eatin good on his watch. With the seasons offering less rice and food in general it’s going to get harder and harder to bite that hand that feeds you. I think Jonathan’s surfer bro mentality and southern charm is going to hide the muscles long enough for it to be too late to get rid of him in time. 

2. Drea Wheeler, 35

I’ll be honest, I’m a sucker for an “All-American” anything. Being an All-American Track Runner screams comp beast to me. I expect Drea to really hit her stride post-merge with multiple immunity necklaces keeping her in a position of power. I think her sweetheart personality and kind face is going to distract people from the fact that she’s been taking mothafuckas out left and right. 

1. Hai Giang, 29

I don’t think I can get cancelled for positive stereotypes so I’m just gonna say it, the gays are amazing at reality competitions. If I could get an entire cast of Ricards it be one of the best seasons ever. Getting off topic. Hai claims to have grown up poverty stricken. But by 24 he bought his own house and paid off all of his student loans by 26. Hungry dog gets the bone type shit. The eye test tells me he’s going to be a weekly threat at immunity. He’ll have a strong social game, I’m not worried about that cause… I’m just not. Plus he’s a scientist? Hai is my most complete player on this list. He brought up Yun as his idol, not me, but I agree. And we all know how Yun’s season ended. (If you don’t, he won)

Feeling confident for my draft next Wednesday. If you wanna join the Survivor fantasy world go off of my blueprint. I’m feeling good about this one. 

On Todays Episode Of WTF, England Used To Eat Mummies

History is a strange place. For Americans, it’s a muddied concept. Although 244 years is a long time for our little human brains, it’s the blink of an eye in the history world. We really haven’t had much time to make that many crazy mistakes. Although it appears that we’ve tried our damndest to catch up. 

But take England for example. They have millennia to go back and explore and wonder “what the fuck were those people thinking?” Like how they used to eat mummies for headaches and other ailments. Now if you’re thinking, surely not a mummy like ancient Egypt mummy, then you’re wrong. Exactly those mummies. 

It wasn’t enough for the OG colonizers to steal all of Egypt’s artifacts and oblesisks for their museums. They had to don their freshest fez in the wardrobe to graverob Egyptian royalty for nutritious purposes. 

Maybe that’s why British people always have that dumb look on their face. You know, like they always have a question they want to ask you but quite can’t remember what it is? That’s the result of generations of people using mummy skulls as pita chips. 

This article from The Smithsonian goes more into detail of how exactly corpse medicine was used. Like how a mixture of skull and chocolate was used for bleeding. Talk about Nestle crunch. King Charles II used to mix mummies with booze like a big show-off that he called, “The King’s Drops”.Or how ground Egyptian mummy was used for internal bleeding. Or how the moss that grew on a mummy’s skull, gross, was believed to cure nosebleeds and epilepsy. I mean, what the fuck. 

But the whole point of learning history is to point and laugh at the idiots that came before us. Although mummy snacks are the weirdest I’ve heard of, we’re not that far away from medicinal oopsies ourselves. Bull urine was used for impotency, heroin was a cough medicine, and meth was given for bad gas. Ask that piece of shit Hitler how that last one worked out. I wonder what we use today that people will scoff at in 500 years. 

Whole things fucked up. Go to jail England. It makes you wonder too. Like now my whole vision of The Mummy is fucked up. What if Brendan Frazier’s sexy librarian wife was only in it for a tasty treat?