It's 2020 which means that I'm turning 28 this year. My clock to start a family and pass on my shitty genes is ticking. I know this because my mother reminds me every Tuesday when I go to her house for dinner. So if my calculations are correct, I'm going to die of a heart attack at 47. If I meet a girl this year, we date for three years until I propose, that's 31. It takes two years to plan the wedding, have our announcement party, have her bachelorette party, my bachelor party, and our engagement party now we're at 33. After the wedding, I'm still pulling out because we convince ourselves we're still young enough to travel for a year until we start a family. At age 34 we start "trying". I don't really know what "trying" means, three of my buddies from high school were actively not "trying" and have kids like half their age now. So lets say trying takes three months (?), add the 9 months of pregnancy and I'm 35 when I have my first child. That means I have 12 years, 10 solid ones, to part some real wisdom onto my child before tragedy strikes and he/she is left with their ditzy single mother. "Intelligent" women don't find me "attractive".
Clock is ticking.
Where do I go shopping? Tinder. I've had a couple matches strike my tinder but no real flames have really ignited. My bio is genius, it says Carpe DM's. It shows I'm equally hilarious and intelligent in one swift bio. My counterparts haven't had as witty bios as myself. Some of them made me really laugh. Life being the way it is, none of those profiles matched with me. So it goes. Most bios say little, but a lot can still be translated little to work with. Here's what I've found:
-Saying you're a "wanderlust" doesn't make you a smart person. That isn't the first time we've heard that word. We all saw that Paul Rudd and Jennifer Anniston movie.
-Saying your an "upfront person" just means your a cunt. It's ok to be an upfront person but if you're bragging to strangers online about it then odds are you already know. Some people, men and women, like being cunts which I can respect, I just can't leave my unborn children with them.
-If you say you're "nerdy" only because you watched Game of Thrones, fuck you.
-If at any point you mention that your bi-sexual you cease to be a bio and immediately become an advertisement for a threesome.
-If you're 27+ wearing one of those rug sweatshirts and the only thing you have is "4/20 friendly" it's fair for me to assume that you smell like everything bagels.
-I don't know who needs to hear this but for the girls with a jiggly Boomerang, you are appreciated.
-If you have a picture with your child with the caption something along the lines of "My son/daughter is my life and no one will ever come between that." I'm here to tell you, you're good. Most people are on here to fuck someone in the back of a Wendy's parking lot, not to look for a mother and child to separate.
-To the whole "never check this, add my instagram and message me there" population, the gig is up we know your tricks. No free clout.
-Stop telling me you can out drink me. You can't. This shit is in my DNA and I will gladly get kicked out of a bar on a first date to prove you wrong.
-You aren't "Just here for the dogs" you're all looking to get dicked down just like we're all looking for a closet to put the ol' womb broom in.
-Why can I prefer brunettes over blondes with no issue but when I say I'd rather a vagina over your tucked willy all of a sudden I'm transphobic?
-If you have a picture of just your ass in a thong, no face or nothin with the caption "no hookups", thank you, but no one believes you now.
-If your picture is just a black screen with no bio I think you're probably a crazy chick who's looking for her cheating boyfriend. Which is hilarious, keep doing your thing.
-If you have "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" you have 0 internet awareness and get a one way swipe to Leftland.
- I won't read past "unpopular opinion".
-Lastly, if your bio reads "I want to fuck your life up. My go to karaoke song is Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow and I like to cook in the nude." Caroline, please swipe right.
The clock is ticking. Enjoy the decade because by the next one we'll all be in our thirties....or worse. Please keep my children in your prayers, namaste.
p.s. I'm sort of sorry that I used the c word but even more sorry that I used so many of these "".