Pyramid Conspiracy Theories Are Very Mean

Conspiracy culture is so prevalent on social media that sometimes I forget the original conclusions even exist. Things that we read is history textbooks, completely disregarded. No path has gone more off course than the pyramids. 

Here take a quick look. Just searching pyramids on Tik Tok. Didn’t even have to add “conspiracies” to my search: 

The top six out of seven pyramid videos on Tik Tok all have the same message - ain’t no fuckin way people made these things. Aliens, lizards, wiped out advanced civilizations, anything and anyone but the people who actually built them. We have gotten so far from the plot, that people actually use the word “impossible” to describe the pyramids like they’re not right fucking there proving their existence. 

Hands down, undisputed, the most impressive and astonishing thing ever built by our species. Suddenly, we’ve all collectively decided, “Nah ya didn’t.” Based on nothing better than, “That shits way too hard for you idiots”. I know this is hard given what we’ve been spoon-fed, but honestly imagine a world where it’s a proven fact that 4,500 years ago, humans not even in the same realm as us technology-wise built the pyramids. Because as it stands right now, that is a fact. Then sit there and think how shitty it is for us to be like “Fuck you guys, you didn’t build that.” 

The pyramids have been around for so long that every day some new mind warping fact like, “Cleopatra was born closer to the invention of the iPhone than the construction of the pyramids,” pops up on Twitter. They’re the only remaining Ancient Wonders Of The World. The Great Pyramids of Giza have defeated time. Humans did that. And I for one, would like to take the time now to congratulate them. Good job Egyptians, you crazy sons of bitches, you did it! 

Just How Stupid Are The Oakland A’s For Drafting Kyler Murray

The Oakland Athletics currently have the worst record in the MLB sitting at 21-41. After finishing ten games over .500 last year, Oakland decided to trade away three All-Stars in a five day span - Chris Bassit, Matt Chapman, and Matt Olson. Now their home attendance rate has dropped lower than a Bronny James high school basketball game. 

All of the Athletics moves don’t make any sense. I guess they think that’s like their identity or something. Living on the ghost of Billy Beane. Besides developing players and then trading them the second they start producing, my favorite splash the A’s have made was drafting Kyler Murray. 

Idiots. Kyler Murray had a collegiate career batting average of .261. He had 10 home runs in 51 games his final season which is impressive, I guess. I admittedly don’t follow college ball that closely, but those kind of numbers can’t possibly be worthy of the ninth overall pick, can they? Kyler didn’t finish in the top 250 in batting average or home runs. I’d tell you where he ranked but it doesn’t go that low. 

Ok so he was alright I guess, surely his dedication to playing baseball influenced the powers that be to draft Kyler with a top 10 pick. Whoops. We all know how that ended. Kyler Murray nearly a year later was drafted first overall in the NFL draft to the Arizona Cardinals. 

I’m aware that most people don’t care or pay attention to the MLB draft. They draft two zillion players and college baseball just doesn’t have the same eyes on it as college football or basketball. But boy oh boy did the Athletics miss out on some ballplayers in a sad attempt to maybe sell a couple jerseys. 

Here are some players that went after Kyler Murray at 9. Number 3 overall prospect Grayson Rodriguez, Mariners ace Logan Gilbert (2.41 ERA), number 51 overall prospect Cole Winn, number 35 prospect Matthew Liberatore, number 27 prospect Nolan Gorman, number 14 prospect Triston Casas, number 75 prospect Matt McLain, AL Cy Young favorite Shane McClanahan, number 17 prospect Alek Thomas, breakout Cleveland rookie Steven Kwan, and the +210 AL Rookie Of The Year, Jeremy Peña. 

I’m sure there’s more there’s just too much to comb through and if I keep writing the same thing you’ll just skim over it. Seven top 100 prospects, a strong ROY possibility and the Cy Young favorite. Most of those prospects were taken in the first round, only a couple of picks or so after Kyler Murray. 

MLB is admittedly the hardest draft to predict. Some of those players before and after Kyler haven’t yet shown the promise they did going into the 2018 draft. But you have to at least give yourself the chance. Oakland consistently puts themselves in the position to fail. Kyler Murray had less of a chance of playing baseball than the A’s have winning the pennant this year, and godammit is that low.  

The Power Imbalance Of Asking A Favor

What’s worse than have a seemingly open weekend just to have a buddy text you asking what you’re doing Saturday afternoon. Tee times are morning, bars are at night, afternoons are for people who need something out of you. 

They say bullshit trigger phrases like “lunch is on me” or “I’ll stock the fridge with beer”. It’s all inflated. Mediocre ass plain pizza eaten with dirty hands. Beers? Pshh, yeah right. We’ll have two or three off the rip, realize we’re sweating it out immediately, and switch to waters within in an hour from the dehydration.

Moving someone in, moving someone out, putting in a pool, getting a completely new furniture set. All nightmares. But the only people who have the right to ask you to sacrifice your day off is close friends. Scratch that, the only people who should be allowed to ask for your help is anyone you feel comfortable giving shit to for even asking. Ripping on the dickhead who asked you to do this bullshit with the other poor souls they suckered is the only silver lining. Laughing at how much it sucks with others is sometimes the only thing keeping you going. 

But there are those who don’t afford us this luxury. I’m looking at you - in-laws, fair-weather neighbors, and worst of all, bosses. My boss asked me to put up his pool with him last week. I’ve never even used a power tool in my life. What the fuck do I know about installing pools? How did I thrash my boss for having the balls to ask me to work for him for free on my day off? “Absolutely, it’ll be fun. We’ll make a day out of it.” 

Oh we made a day out of it alright. A twelve hour shift pro bono. What did I have to show for it? A soggy caesar wrap, a sore back, a sunburn that should be studied, and a hurt ego after I didn’t know the name of some stupid screwdriver. 

Your lack of friends should not be my issue. Hire friends. Your authority over me has stolen all the fun out of it. The fact that I can’t take a deep sigh, and say in front of everyone “Hey, you’re a piece of shit for this”, means you’ve taken advantage of me. Now I have to somehow pretend like I’m enjoying myself wheelbarrowing sand back and forth in ninety degree weather. 

But we still do it, right? Even if we fucking hate them for it. Being a good person is easy, but being a piece of shit is more fun. Nobody’s said you can’t be both. Complain in front of them to let them know how much of an asshole they are. And if you aren’t allowed to complain in the moment due to the imbalance of power, you can always write a whole blog bitching about it afterwards. 

Man Suggests Ghosts Responsible For Lights in House While Covering For A Friend

Let’s just get it out of the way, yes, this was in Florida.  Jonathan Fowler displayed incredible loyalty and quick thinking when Polk County Sheriffs showed up at his doorstep with a warrant for April Gonzalez. Even going as far as blaming the paranormal for lights turning on and off in his house when he claimed no one else was inside. 

“Must have been termites…or earwigs. Ghosts, maybe.”

Look it’s not as bad as a defense as it might appear. The burden to prove that it WASN’T ghosts would be the prosecution. Prove that it wasn’t bitch. But honestly I think ghosts might be burying the lead here. Termites?! I’ve never met a termite but I highly doubt they have the arm strength to flick a light switch. 

I give April Gonzalez a 0 Madden Awareness rating. Obviously her and Fowler knew the cops were there, I’m sure someone shouted it out. You have to be on the same page. Turning off all the lights so patrols can’t see in the house is a good move. However, it immediately becomes the worst move when no one else is supposed to be there. 

“However, deputies said when they brought out one of their K9 deputies, Fowler admitted that Gonzalez was inside the home.” 

I’ll tell ya man, those fur missiles have a funny way of curing amnesia real quick. Nothing had changed, even with the dog the sheriffs still couldn’t get into the house. But the second they bring out the pup and get him all riled up, barking and drooling while holding him back, people tend to have a change of heart. 

One of two things happened when the K9 came out. Either he was scared shitless to the point that he stopped caring or he cared a whole lot more because he was holding and the dog was about to smell it. Better you than me. 

In classic Shakespearean tragedy fashion, Jonathan Folwer was arrested alongside of April Gonzalez for resisting an officer without violence. Free the commish. Tell Ghost Hunters to stand down, another false alarm. 

Tom Brady Has To Hand Deliver Game Used Underwear To Greg

The internet has a way of humbling all of us. All of us. Even seven time Super Bowl champion man rockets with super model wives. Tom Brady in congruence with launching his new underwear line released this tweet dangling a potential thirst trap. 

Funny, cheeky, Marketing 101. Of course Brady thought that the internet wanted to see the imprint of his dick and balls. Twitter went gaga a mere three days ago when Gisele “candidly” caught Tom checking himself out in the mirror in his new undewear. 40k? That’s a layup? 

But the internet had other plans. 

Fucking Greg, man. That’s the beauty of Twitter. The account who notoriously hit Canseco with the meanest “No way Jose” of all time, completely stole the thunder from the greatest quarterback who ever lived. Greg surpassed his 40k goal without even breaking a sweat, Brady is still at 37k. The internet would rather have Greg obtain dirty undies than see Brady’s camel tail. 

How does Brady react? 

I hate how fucking cool he is. A perfect answer. No man should have it all the way that Tom Brady does. 

Martin Shrkeli, aka Pharma Bro, Writes INSANE Blog Where He Predicts The Future

Martin Shrkeli has had such an insane existence that going to prison and teaching a class on crypto to inmates while blogging about the future isn’t the craziest thing he’s ever done. I’d say it’s third behind raising essential drug prices +5,000% and buying a one of one Wu Tang album for $2 million. 

As expected, Shrkeli’s touch with reality only grew further during his four year stint in prison. It’s evident that he spent his entire sentence reading Sci-fi to the point where he thinks he can predict the future. It’s a tough admission, but Martin and I have similar tastes. He reviews a lot of the books that I’ve read in my free time. Even in reviews his lack of self-awareness is astonishing. “Something about Issacson pisses me off. I’m not sure what it is.” A ballsy line coming from a guy who’s First-Team All-Punchable Face. 

Shkreli released a blog on his site detailing his left field blueprint for the future. It’s outlined in eight sections. Here are the summaries of some of my favorite prophecies followed by my commentary. 

1. Computing/Technology & Society 

2025 

A trend starts where we spend 8+ hours a day in our autonomous vehicles. Musk becomes the first trillionaire. - I like Musk, but I just know Martin’s one of those weirdies who worship him. There’s a massive massive gap between a billion and a trillion. Unless he cures cancer, sells everyone a personal robot, and declares himself King of Mars, I doubt Elon gets it done in three years. 

2026AI tops Billboard charts as the first non-human created or edited song. - Isn’t this just Skrillex? 
2035AI bipedal robots are commonplace. - I sure fucking hope so man. Make hangovers so much easier, count your days DoorDash. 
2040 Robots win the World Cup. - Idiot idiot idiot idiot. I’m all for robot sports but if you think the lunatics who follow soccer or the NFL will ever allow non-humans into the sport you got another thing coming. It would make it like Ford vs. Ferrari where manufacturing supersedes talent. Where’s the fun in that?
2055The grand AI Civil Rights Movement including human/robot marriages. - I saw the new Blade Runner too, Martin. If I can get a robot that looks and sounds like Ana de Armas you won’t hear me complaining. 
2100 Humans are on the brink of immortality. - Missed it byyyy that much! He also predicts that 2050 newborns will have a life expectancy of 100-125 and by 2080 it’ll raise to 150-200+ 

2. Socioanthropology, Religion, Philosophy, & Politics 
2022-2040Fall of Russia, Belarus, North Korea, Syria, and Iran as we know it. No more dictators. - Just like that. Generations of tyranny and terrorism, defeated by Martin Shrkeli’s imagination. 
2028First LGBTQ+ or woman President of the US. - Happy pride y’all. 
2030-2040A largely relative war fought either nearly or completely autonomously. - Oh really Martin, you think so? A ten year window where a war will happen? No shit. When was the last ten year span with no wars?
2045 Marijuana is legalized. - Seriously? Of all the bold claims this might be the boldest. 
2050Major sports (including NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, and EU  Football) viewership down 50% due to lack of interest and health concerns. Some leagues are disbanded and boxing is outlawed. - I think this is more wishful thinking from the guy picked last on the playground. It’s so obvious Shkreli has never watched a game in his life. We are still in the birth canal of legal gambling and fantasy sports - our leagues aren’t going anywhere. 

3. Math/ComplexityI have no idea what any of these predictions mean so I’ll some them all up to a lot of things will be proven, apparently. 

4. Quantum ComputingAgain, all gibberish. But it appears that shit will get faster. Swagger jackin Moore’s Law. 

5. Electronics/Engineering/Hardware/Physics
2040 Human space flight to Mars. - I don’t think the flight is the issue as much as it is sustaining life there. Matt Damon taught me that. 
2045 Either Musk or Bezos will announce they are permanently leaving Earth in favor of space exploration. No return trip plan. - By that time, Musk will be 73 and Bezos 81. That’s what they play for. When they’re ready to die, say fuck it I’m going looking for aliens. 
2050 Human settlement on Mars or the moon. - This race would be so much cooler than the moon landing if Martin hadn’t killed off Russia ten years prior. First one to nuke Mars’ ice caps in hopes it creates greenhouse gases wins. 
2100Extra solar system human settlement with population of 1m+. - Fuck I hope so, I think I’m chic for my upcoming Europe trip in September. Bachelor parties outside of our system would be so sick. 
6. Money/Finance
2060JP Morgan or Bank Of America will be acquired by a crypto company. - I don’t know how that will happen since Shrkeli also predicts the Supreme Court will outlaw Bitcoin and crypto in 2025. Page out of Skip Bayless’ playbook.
7. Biology/Medicine/Chemistry
This is a lot of medical jargon I don’t fully comprehend. But Martin believes a lot of lives will be saved, treatments for muscular dystrophy and Alzheimer’s by 2041. And that by 2065 cancer will become rare. Funny, nothing about medication costing a billion dollars. 
8. Computing 
2060“Teleportation” of small molecules begins. - This is right around the time I’ll be clocking out if I didn’t already punch my ticket. I’ll be so pissed if I miss this. Getting home from the bar, getting food, traveling for vacations, poof! In an instant. 
That’s it for reading the future for now. Shrkeli wrote this blog eight days before he was released from prison. His biggest present-time concerns were the state of his cat and his ban from Twitter. I don’t know about his kitty but still no Tweets. Even with a limited platform, Martin has vowed to continue to keep blogging. Personally, I can’t wait to see what Brostradomus comes up with next. 

Marcus Stroman Once Again Looks Like A Big Dumb Idiot

Most athletes are celebrated for voicing themselves on social media today. The “shut up and dribble” crowd has pretty much all but dissipated. The only ones left have severe scoliosis. People love when Kevin Durant claps back at Twitter eggs with 37 followers. Or Christian Yelich’s “Relax Roxane” at the lady mad at his nudies in the body issue. And then there’s Marcus Stroman. 

I wouldn’t care if anything baseball related that Marcus said was clever, or funny, or even correct. But that’s just not the case. Every time he has a take or tweet he’s just abhorrently wrong. For instance: 

Betting on himself the next 5-7 years. Might have been the lock of the century to fade. Or when he said the Mets hired a terrible GM and he’s thankful that he’s gone. The Mets are in first place at 37-19 without their two generational talent pitchers. But Marcus knows best. 

My personal favorite, given my fandom, is Stroman’s comments on the Yankees’ rotation. When it became evident that the Jays were shopping their former number one pitcher, he was basically begging to come to the Bronx. When the Yankees never even considered making a move for him he was like a lover scorned. Couldn’t keep the Yankees out his mouth. Mainly criticizing the payroll since he wasn’t on it. But he also took a shot at the staff. 

Whoops! I mean I guess, technically, Marcus Stroman was correct that he’s not anywhere in these guys’ league. While the Yankees’ pitching staff leads the MLB in ERA, K’s, WHIP, BAA, and K/BB, Marcus Stroman has a 5.32 and a 2-5 record in Chicago. Gave up nine earned on ten hits in four inning worked during his last start. He’s on his third team in his last three seasons played. 

I’m all for talking shit. But you have to have something, anything, to back it up. Stroman’s had 1.5 good seasons, the rest of his career has been pretty subpar. He talks like he has a 2.80 ERA but actually walks with a career 3.71. 

I’m not sure what it is. Maybe he thinks he’s good because people take cool pictures of him screaming on the mound. Maybe the pipsqueak runs his mouth because he knows his daddy could beat up the entire world. Whatever the case may be, I’m confident betting against anything Marcus Stroman says for the next 5-7 years.