Don’t Waste Your Football Sunday At A Bar

Ok so you posted the video to your story of the crowded bar with everyone in football jerseys, 25 hanging TVs, and a beer tower on your table, now what? Panic starts to set in. You’ve realized your mistake before the first “J-E-T-S!” chant even begins.   

Being at a bar for football Sunday is not that fun. You’re still hungover from the night before and now you have to put on jeans. All that money that you’re paying for overpriced Bud Light and subpar wings could’ve went into your Sportsbook account. Now you’re in the red before the first snap. The more drunk people get around you, the more conversations start to arise. It’s natural in a bar, but that’s not what you’re there for. The couple fighting in your group caused you to miss an important turnover. The bar is so packed that you couldn’t pick your table. The game that you have the most action on is now around the corner and out of view. If you like a local team I assume it’s fun to celebrate with the entire bar despite the DJ’s incessant air horn and bev nap tornado. But if shit goes south, you can’t show your true inner psycho by whipping the remote across the living room. Worst of all, there’s no Red Zone.

I can’t begin to emphasize what my Sundays do for my mentals. I show up smelling like the night before, with a six pack of Sam’s October in my hand and a bright vape in my mouth. I immediately assert my dominance on one of the couches. I plan on being horizontal for the next nine hours and everyone knows it. We plan our meal normally a minimum of three days before. This week we did Chili’s 2 for 20 each. You read that correctly, one appetizer, two entrèes, and a dessert for each man. There’s four different types of beer, paired with twelve packs of Mountain Dew, Cherry Pepsi, and Ginger Ale respectively. Someone’s girlfriend made a buffalo chicken dip for them to bring. We put in parlays as a unit. Everyone in attendance is in both our Fantasy and DFS league. There’s a lot of WOOing in opponents’ faces and middle fingers shaken aggressively. There’s no bathroom attendant and you can nap for the second quarter of the 4:00 games if you need to. The local game is on the left TV and Scott Hanson graces the right. The week murdered us but we’ve found refuge in Valhalla. 

Your soul is worth more than a fifteen second Instagram story. The demise of your couch has been greatly over exaggerated. You only get one shot at this every weekend, do it right. 

Hired Grinch Destroys Mother’s Christmas

I don’t know if everyone else’s FYP has been flooded with Grinch content, but I now believe he has more impersonators than Elvis. Jim Carey famously went method for his role in Whoville, and it appears his followers have taken a similar route. Unfortunately for one mother, this hired Grinch grinched her whole house up. 

The caption reads: 

“So paid £85 for a grinch visit… advertises the grinch to come in mess the kids bed have a pillow fights put toilet roll around your Christmas tree and pictures with the kids at the end (they were told to leave no pictures) VS what I got every single bit of party food expensive cupcakes threw all over the place tree decorations BROKE !!! Fairy up liquid poured on my kitchen floor eggs smashed and a full bottle of juice poured over my floor and SON !!! Kids new onesie ruined Highly highly DO NOT recommend… mailed and complained no reply 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 grinch defo came and stole Christmas 🎅 never been so disgusted in my life !!!” 

Hello the consequences of my decisions. In the words of Mayor Augustus Maywho, “INVITE THE GRINCH, DESTROY CHRISTMAS!” Grinches are gonna Grinch, what did you expect Laura? 

I mean, he fucked that shit up. 

But imagine how much fun this guy was having just wreaking havoc throughout this apartment. Not only did this Grinch know there would be no repercussions for his actions but they’d also have to PAY HIM to ruin everything. Oh I’m sorry are those cupcakes expensive? WHAP. Nice eggs you got there, be a shame if someone smashed em. Nana got you this tree decoration? SMASH. What’s that there, Fairy up liquid? Not sure what that is. Where’s your son, I’m gonna fuck him up. 

If you ask me, it was an £85 well spent. You think that kid gives a fuck about his lame ass Teddy Bear onsie? Look at that smirk on his face in the picture above. Kid had the time of his life. He got to have a full blown food fight with the Grinch in his house. And he couldn’t get in trouble for it cause Mom set it all up. This is going to be a core memory for him, which is no short accomplishment. 

Just a little extra nugget and I don’t know if I find this funnier given my heritage but this all took place in Scotland. Picturing this legend destroying a home dressed as a Grinch with a Scottish has me dying. 

But this is a classic case of be careful what you wish for. Don’t hate the playa. If you invite the Grinch, he’s gonna steal Christmas. Who’s fault is that? You saw what happened when Cindy Lou did it and you followed the same exact blueprint. Same snake bit you twice. Cleaning up was probably a bitch, but for £85, you bought yourself one hell of a story for life. 

Holiday Tide-ings

With the CFB rapidly approaching, the Alabama Football program has been a constant in the news cycle. There’s been so many little and big stories and snippets that I’ve decided to compile them into one blog. From player Twitter burns to Covid concerns, Holiday Tide-ings to you and yours. 

JAVION COHEN TAUNTS AUBURN

I pray I never reach the point where empty Bowl Games hold so much meaning for my fandom. Here is Auburn’s football team practicing for their big showdown against Houston in the TicketSmarter Bowl. The Karate Kid pose, resurrected as a celebration by this year’s wideouts, has become an Alabama rallying cry. Needless to say, Auburn barners didn’t take too kindly to Javion’s public humiliation. 176 replies of “This you?” And “Bryce got sacked 7 times.” later and you realize that Auburn has now come to believe that playing defense in the Iron Bowl means you’ve won despite the final score. Houston +3, any player worth a shit left. 

DEMARVIN LEAL EMBARRASSES HIMSELF

Not I want to go to the NFL to make generational wealth, or I want to win a National Championship, but “I dreamed of beating Alabama.” The lengths that people will go to justify their mediocrity is astonishing. Way to set the bar high little buddy. The timing of this sure is strange to me. We played A&M in early October? Would I put it past Saban to have this released for a little extra rat poison before a playoff match? Of course not, he can do anything. Can’t you picture him in the locker room screaming “PEOPLE DREAM OF BEATING YOU! GO OUT THEIR AND CRUSH THEIR FUCKING DREAMS!” Whew, gave me the chillies and I’m the one that wrote it. But the fact remains this dumb dumb still said this. Players hopped on to roast him but no one criticized him harder than the Collin County PD who arrested him the next day for marijuana possession. 

DEMARCCO HELLAMS PUBLICY EXECUTED A MAN



JONATHAN ALLEN AND DARON PAYNE FIGHT
I know Washington fans are concerned about this little scuttle between the two former Alabama champions, but I think it means they drafted correctly. You have a team that’s riddled with injuries, getting their balls kicked in weekly, playing for nothing, and your two Alabama boys still have enough fight and passion in them to come to blows on the sidelines. Allen and Daron Payne have been teammates for a long time, brothers even. You’ve never punched your brother in the face? Besides it led to this great nugget from Tim Williams telling us that Alabama players used to fight so much that Scott Cochran used to have to take the gloves away from them. 

God, Rueben Foster vs Ashawn Robinson sounds terrifying.
THE TRANSFER PORTAL ONLY MAKES THINGS EASIER FOR ALABAMA


Nick Saban was staunchly against the transfer portal. He tried telling everyone it was a bad idea. If they won’t join you, beat them at their own game. Now everyone pays the consequences. As if the portal additions of two of Alabama’s biggest stars in Jameson Williams and Henry To’oto’o weren’t evidence enough of a mistake, the transfers keep piling in. Former All-American and 5 Star recruit, Eli Ricks has already transferred from LSU and is currently in Tuscaloosa. He’ll be joined by All-ACC Georgia Tech running back , Jahmyr Gibbs who led the ACC in average all purpose yards per game. 
ALABAMA CANCELED MEDIA VIEWING 
Now this very well may be nothing. But I don’t know about you, but I feel like a Covid bombs gone off he last week. Family, friends co-workers, half of my fantasy football team all around me testing positive. In fact, I think I have it. Literally waiting on my Mom to bring me a home test as I write this. There can be any number of reasons Saban didn’t want the media at practice. But if it’s because there’s notable missing players, that’s a concern. Especially knowing that both Bill O’Brien and Doug Marrone tested positive. Saban has assured us that no players have been affected and that the team has implemented protocols that have worked in the past. But that won’t stop me from worrying. 
But Friday’s the big day. There’s another team on the tracks that get to find out once and for all of they actually Want Bama. Get your house and your juju in order. Roll Tide and (let me beat this into the ground) Good Tide-ings. 

Confronting My Biggest Issues With The Matrix Franchise Before Seeing Resurrections

The Matrix for me was one of those franchises that I pretended to love as a kid without knowing what the hell was actually going on. All I knew was Neo was running on walls and dodging bullets in slow-mo and that shit was cool. The plot was completely lost on me, I was six when the first movie came out. 

Spoilers obviously, idiot. 

When I watched in my teenage years I loved it. Ultimately understanding there are three factions at war. The remaining humans fighting for survival, the AI robots clinging onto to their oppressive regime, and rogue programs fleeing deletion looking out for their own interests any where they can get it inside the Matrix. I was too enamored with my new found comprehension that it never occurred to me to question anything. 

But I’m in my late twenties now. So I’m an arrogant snob who’s watched too many shows and read too many books to the point that I can only enjoy them if I pick apart everything that’s wrong. Watching the trilogy in preparation for the fourth installment left me with a list of gripes. Because I’m smarter than everyone, especially the creators themselves. 

4. The Robots Were Pretty Fair

Without a doubt, the sentients are far superior in every possible way than the human race. Then humans have the gall to be like “actually we’re going to fight you to the death.” Like imagine if tomorrow penguins decided to say, you know what, Earth is our planet, we’re sick of the humans and we’re going to try and kill every one of you. How would you react? I’d tell the penguins, “Listen here you little shits, I could punt every fucking penguin into oblivion if I want to. Know your place.” But the sentients didn’t do that. Not completely anyway. Sure they need us for human batteries, but creating the Matrix where you could still live a normal life was a pretty nice gesture if you ask me. 

3. Neo Using His Superpowers Outside Of The Matrix

Ok so inside the Matrix, everything is a simulation. If you can fully accept that, you can begin to bend the faux-reality to your will. No problem there. But at the end of the second movie and the entire third movie, Neo is essentially Superman in the real world with little to no explanation. Just because he had a conversation with The Architect he can now immobilize and crush sentients with his mind and see with no eyeballs. Even Superman has an origin story explaining his powers. You can’t just be like oh yeah I don’t know he can just do that now. 

2. The Zionists Were Shitty And Selfish People

I get that they had to fight off the sentients to survive and that that constant fear made defeating them their sole purpose for existing, but they had zero foresight. What was their end game? Justifying the liberation of the pod humans inside the Matrix is nothing short of cruel. Apparently the saying “ignorance is bliss” has been eradicated from human language in the year 2199. Imagine working your ass off in the Matrix, coming up from nothing and becoming a successful millionaire. You live in a mansion, fine dining, endless entertainment and partying. Just to have some shitass dressed in rags wake you up naked, hairless, and cold in red goo telling you you’re free now. Oh and by the way we can’t go above ground because everything is destroyed, there’s no sun, we eat maggot porridge, we shake hands with the devil living at the center of the Earth for warmth, nothing you knew is real, and you’re now penniless and useless in a society you know nothing about, you’re welcome. Fuck right off. Give me a blue pill and put that thing right back in my skull. 

1. Keanu Reeves Being 35 Years Old While Filming The First Movie

He just isn’t. 22 max. 

Although I talked a whole lot of shit, I’m really excited to watch Resurrections. This movie looks like it takes place almost entirely inside the Matrix which is the strongest element of the franchise. Doesn’t matter to me if they add more issues to my list. I’m a nostalgia slut and I don’t care who knows it. 

Should You Bet On The Team You Root For?

Sports gambling has taken on a whole new life in these last couple years. Especially in the states where it’s been legalized. Have you always been able to bet on sports? Duh. But now every Bill, Dick, and Harry thinks they’re a sharp. 

I am not great at any of the things I enjoy most in life. Betting is no exception. I go down, I chip away, I go up, I go down, and the pendulum swings. Like most gamblers I started by placing bets on the teams I’m a fan of. It makes sense, right? They’re the team I’m most intimately in tune with. I know what they are and aren’t capable of better than most. 

But like I said, that’s only how it started. Once it hits the lips it’s hard to turn back. You begin to branch out. You chase that same passion you have when rooting for your team by financially putting skin into random games. Prime time slots, bored in your room, or maybe it was the only game playing at the bar. You start to gamble on other teams. You begin to trust other teams and despise even more. Before you know it, you have a weekly lineup of games you like.

But I’ll tell you what, waging your wallet on a team you don’t care about is much more enjoyable than gambling your soul on a team you love. So much can go wrong betting on your own team. It makes losses sting that much more. Winnings great, sure, but it could also put you in a compromising position. Like last week, when I took Alabama Basketball -3 vs. Houston. Tide won by a point on a buzzer beating block and I screamed in an excitement that lasted all of about four seconds before I realized how much I lost. 

When you bet teams you’re not invested in, what you’re purchasing is passion for that particular game. When watching a team you’re a fan of, there’s no purchase necessary. So should you bet on your own teams? Probably not, but it’s never stopped me before. 

*Please gamble responsibly. If you or someone you know have a gambling problem please call 1-800-GAMBLER. 

Dan Haren’s Child’s Homework Difficulty Level: Harvard

We all have that core memory of your Dad sitting with you at the table yelling because you don’t understand your homework. You fight back tears as he tells you you aren’t having dinner until it’s finished. At least I hope we’ve all had the moment? Fuck. 

Regardless, I get it now. He was taking out his freustration on me, not because I didn’t understand it, but because HE didn’t understand it. So rather than admit defeat, he pretended to teach me a lesson because he was unable to give me all the answers. 

Take for instance, Dan Haren’s kid’s homework that he posted. I’m going to post the picture below and it better fucking work otherwise this blog is useless. I’ll include the link below the picture just in case. 

https://twitter.com/ithrow88/status/1470628428885884932?s=21

A four year old?! How? Who the fuck illustrated this? Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code? Impressive 15 minute finish for the former A’s pitcher. My Dad wouldn’t have stood a chance. I don’t think I stand a chance. 

Let’s try and break it down row by row. It appears you have to rhyme the first picture with another picture in it’s row. 

#1

Chicken- friend? Chicken-couple? First one’s out. Chicken-spider? Chicken-web? Nope. Chicken-duck? Goodness. Double back. Maybe it’s not a chicken. Hen-friend? It’s not the best rhyme, but it’s the best I got. 

#2

First impression isn’t great. Bed-books? No. Bed-shelf? Bed-library? First one’s a no. Bed-net? I mean probably not, but maybe? Third picture, bed-front? Bed-leader? Wtf is that. Final answer: bed-net. 

#3 

Ok, I think that’s a vet. Vet-leg? Mehhh not great but we’ve accepted worse. Vet-plane? No. Vet-red? Right? I think red’s at the top of a traffic light. This homework is breaking my brain. None of them really rhyme but I think vet-red wins. Eminem could make that rhyme. 

#4

Feeling good about #4 after first glance. Pen-friend? Maybe, but I think we can do better. Pen-ten? BOOM, open and shut case. Not even gonna go to the third picture. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I have no idea what they’re doing in the last graphic. 

#5 

Fuck. Got way too cocky after 4. Looks like a kid with melted ice cream. Is it hot? Or messy? I mean he’s got it all in his hair. Let’s go with hot. Hot-married? Hot-wedding? Hot-parents? Ok, not the first option. Hot-lion? Hot-den? Shit, no. Hot-mouse? Hot-rat? Hot-pet? What’s happening? We’re leaving this last one blank. 

There you have it. I’d hand this in with hen-friend, bed-net, vet-red, pen-ten, and blank. Literally only one of them actually rhymes. I’m confident I’d get a 25% if this were a test. This is four year old level work and I am very concerned for myself. 

Play For The Crimson Tide, Where The Boys Have Your Back

When an Alabama football player has a request, the Tide faithful are always willing to answer the call. No matter how tall the order. So when starting left guard, Javion Cohen reached out to Twitter in an effort to get the attention of this years’s Homecoming Queen the interactions flooded in. 

But this is no ordinary Homecoming Queen. This is softball phenom and Tuscaloosa’s darling, Montana Fouts. The same Montana who stole hearts and strikezones in the past two seasons for the Crimson Tide. This is 27-4, 1.61 era, 24 complete games, 349 strikeouts in the 2021 season, Montana Fouts. The two-time All-American, two-time First Team, 2019 SEC Freshman Of The Year, 2021 SEC Tourney MVP, 2021 Pitcher Of The Year winner, herself. 

Sounds like a Ric Flair introduction, but you get the idea. The support on Twitter piled up. Tag after tag of @MontanaFouts piled up in the replies. Including encouraging messages like these: 

@andrew_dunn1994: “Hey man thanks for letting me borrow the family yacht this weekend fam, we had fun”

and

@DillonMoore28: “Aye bro thanks for rescuing me and my family from that burning building in time to make the ride to Atlanta and win the Sec championship” 

Well apparently we misread the situation. Javion, always the gentleman, responded in kind with the overwhelming amount of replies with the following tweet: 

“ima shooter with no weapon”, borderline Shakespearean. We have since received an update that Montana, not one to let the Crimson Tide family down, reached out to Javion to sign something for his sister just in time for the holidays. And you better keep your mouth shut about it, don’t ruin the surprise.

Now I ask you. Does this feel like a team, a fanbase, a city, that seems worried about Cincinnati? Of course not. Merry Christmas and Roll Tide.