Is Baseball Prime Real?

Baseball starts tomorrow, which is my favorite sport to argue. In every other sport, a casual fan will still fight with you over their team despite their shocking lack of knowledge. Not baseball. If you pick a baseball fight, majority of the time, your opponent will tell you baseball isn’t their thing. But if you start an argument with a real fan who knows their stuff? It’s gloves off every time. 

My latest such squabble was with my idiot Mets fan friend about “signing someone in their prime”. To which I countered, doesn’t exist. My buddy argued that despite his plethora of injuries, missing the whole  season last year, that Noah Syndergaard is about to have his best seasons because he’s “coming into his prime”. While I think he still has the chance to be good, I think the odds are that Noah’s 95 mph sliders caught up with his elbow. That his best baseball is behind him. 

But he wouldn’t hear it. All because he’s supposedly about to have some magical birthday. 

There was never a meeting or an announcement on prime ages but everyone has the same exact numbers in their head. I remember my older cousins explained it to me while playing MVP 05. During the early 2000s, the steroid era, prime was accepted as around 32-36. With more years and less PEDs that window has changed more to 28-32. I’d say most people would accept that as truth. Not me. 

Baseball is weird in that it’s really the only sport where you’re guaranteed to start out in a lower league after you’re drafted. NFL and NBA wouldn’t send their precious first round picks on bus rides with no A/C for a showdown between the Rumble Ponies and the Trash Pandas? Baseball does, which makes a prime age impossible. Each team is different in feeling out if a guy is ready for a call up. Mix in service time manipulation and you have a recipe for guys getting the call at all different ages. It’s not how old you are, but how much tread is on the tires.

Take Felix Hernandez for example. Feels like the guy has been around since I was a child. He’s only 34. From age 29-32 Felix’ ERAs were 3.53, 3.82, 4.36, and 5.55 respectively. From age 23-27? 2.49, 2.27, 3.47, 3.06, and 3.04.

Now, I’m not an idiot. I understand that Felix here could be an outlier and that one person doesn’t prove my point. But like, it does though and you know it does. Plus I’m not going to sit here and throw hundreds of ERAs at you.

So why have we all blindly accepted an MLB prime? Where did it come from? I’ll tell you, it was that slimy bastard Scott Boras who made it up. Yup. How else could he get washed up players to make hundreds of millions of dollars? Make up the prime, that’s how. 

This Late In The Game

I got covid. Got it bad. This is the first day my brain hasn’t felt like a marshmellow. I really thought I was going to be more productive during my quarantine. I was wrong. This thing has been whooping my ass. 

If you’re curious what it entails, I’ll explain my symptoms. Day 1 it just felt like allergies and I thought this thing was all bark no bite. Day 2 was the fever and chills. I was sweating like I ran a marathon but shivering for hours on end. Day 3 I lost my sense of taste and smell. Then yesterday, whatever day that was, I couldn’t keep anything down. Today, I’m starting to turn this franchise around. 

Symptom wise, losing my taste was the worst for me. I can’t even explain what it’s like to put something in your mouth and taste nothing. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. If my taste doesn’t come back soon I’m going to do something drastic. Witchcraft, voodoo, black magic, I don’t care.

Worse than having it is giving it to someone. I was never cool enough to get an STD but I imagine it was pretty similar texting everyone I was in close proximity to that I had the virus. It’s a weird text. The person you’re texting has to be nice to you cause you have this deadly virus but is obviously very pissed that they have to get tested now. It’s not like I knew I had it? Luckily for all my friends, I didn’t give it to any of them. Unluckily for my saint of a mother, I did give it to her. 

It’s a virus that’s tough on my mentals. I’ve had to watch my mom in pain and that’s my fault. I’ve been separated from society, turned into a hermit. And probably toughest of all, my illness has been perfectly  timed up with a viral tweet that reads “imagine getting c*vid this late in the game lol L”. I mean, how do I come back from that? Every single piece of shit that I’ve considered a friend has sent me this tweet. 

This has been the hardest blog I’ve written. Not as in hard to share or anything weird like that, but cause I still have cobwebs on my brain. It’s not my best writing, I just had to write something. Let me serve as a reminder that just because things are getting back to normal doesn’t mean they are. Mask up and sanitize or have shit for brains like me at the moment. 

Why I Think Tok Tok Works

I’d say I have an embarrassing addiction to Tik Tok, but I don’t think something that everyone is addicted to can be all that embarrassing. I’ve been known to get that “Woah hold on! You’ve been scrolling for way too long!” warning every time I try to go to sleep.

But why is it so effective? No it’s not China brainwashing us. Well maybe. But what Tik Tok brings is an attainable five seconds of fame. Or one minute rather. 

The For You Page made it possible for anyone to go viral. On a platform like Twitter one of two things needs to happen. 1) The content creator has so many followers that all their fans like their Tweet it and off it goes. 2) Someone actually says something funny and it’s liked by a friend who’s like by that friend’s friend and then that friend’ friend’s friend and so on and so forth until it’s trending. With Tik Tok, not only is your FYP randomized but it gives the viewer a sense of anonymity. I’ve seen plenty of funny Tweets that should’ve gone viral that I didn’t favorite cause I thought “this person is going to think I’m a weirdo if I’m only the 8th person to like this.” Oddly enough, Tik Tok’s ability to remove that social contract from social media has helped lead to their success.

Next is the commitment you make to the app. Most news articles today don’t need to be read. Everything you need to know is right there in the headline. “Trevor Bauer Is Pitching With One Eye Closed”. What’s the point of opening that article? What is it going to tell me that I don’t already know? With Tik Tok, I know I’m not going to like every video, but I can’t skip ahead. I don’t know if I’m going to enjoy the video until I’m halfway through it and by that time I might as well finish it either way. 

Tik Tok is comprised of regular ass people. Which is the thrill of it. The content creator is giving you a peak into their life and viewers feel like they can relate. You can see the same thought or notion that you’ve had pile up 2.7 million likes. When one of your friends sends you a video, most of the time it’s something you and your friends have done or can see yourselves doing. It’s validation, which is what we’re all really here for. Unless it’s a video of somebody getting scared or hit in the nuts or something which is always just funny to share.

I try to mirror my blogs based on these three principles. Anynonimty to bash or agree with me, hopefully enough intrigue to force you to read the whole thing, and a look into my personal thoughts and ideas. I’d say with the most stress on being personal. Because the odds are someone is thinking the same way I am. Or going through something similar to me. I just like writing it down more than putting on a weird voice and holding up my own camera to my face. Some regular people just need the right platform.

The Taste You Can Sea

I want the CEO of Cinnamon Toast Crunch thrown in jail. @JensenKarp posted a picture of his cereal this morning with cinnamon blasted shrimp tails amongst his Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It might be the most disrespectful thing I’ve ever seen and I won’t be shocked if they ask for the death penalty.

I always thought that seafood was this elaborate prank that the whole globe has decided to play on me. I don’t believe that anyone actually likes it. Saying something “smells like fish” is literally an insult, and you expect me to believe you’re willingly putting that smell in your mouth? It has to be a gag.

Imagining eating seafood is bad enough, but for it to be in your first meal of the day? You just have to mail it in from there. Call out of work, it’s over for you today. Seafood is bad, seafood where you’re not expecting is terrorism. Like when your aunt puts tuna in the Mac salad at the family bbq. But atleast I guess some people pretend that those things go together. Shrimp and Cinnamon Toast Crunch? That poor soul.

Big thing about the picture is that it’s just the tails. Which means (I’m going to gag writing this) some sociopath was slurping on the shrimp and then Salt Bae’d the tails into the cereal vat. Everyone needs to go to jail.

I hope this guy is ok. Mentally he’s toast, but physically he could’ve had a shellfish allergy. If everyone is healthy and if this guys smart he’ll find someone in his house with an allergy and make a billion dollars. Honestly, I’m not sure that’s enough. 

It’s Time To Evolve

The wheel, electricity, printing press, there’s certain adaptations in human civilization that changes our every day lives. Not since the Internet, has innovation had the potential to change the human existence for the better. Change all clothes to sweats. 

I had a death in the family last week and blew off the cobwebs on the suit hanging in my closet. Now I’m a bigger guy, granted, so on my best day my suits don’t feel great. I haven’t had a real reason to don my suit since the world shut down a year ago. Boy was that thing snug. 

As I sweat, tugged, and adjusted my way through the funeral parlor, I found myself excited to get home so I can change back into my comfort clothes. Which made me think, why can’t suits be just as comfortable as my Nike sweatpants? The materials are there. It’s 2021, surely we have the technology to make comfortable clothes look fancy? All we need is for Nike to make tighter fitting fancy attire with a couple buttons and zippers in it.

It’s right there, staring us in the face. It’s so simple that we just let it go undetected. Why is it when we need to dress to impress we decide to wear clothes that people wore hundreds of years ago? Three piece suits? Ties? Belts! People only used to wear this shit because they hadn’t figured out elastic could go into clothing yet. The fabric they chose was the most comfortable available at the time, we need to reevaluate that option. Why are we holding onto this?

It’ll make funerals more bearable. Weddings will be easier to dance at. Iron creasing before a big job interview will be a thing of the past. Spilling something at a fancy dinner won’t cost you an arm and a leg to get out. Possibilities are endless. 

All it takes is acceptance. We have to collectively agree that it’s socially acceptable. The same companies that make tracksuits need to step up to make prom suits. Plus we’ll need a pioneer to lead the charge. I’d gladly fall on that sword but I don’t think I’d have the societal impact as say a Leo or an Idris Elba.

This is my written patent for when this makes millions and changes the world. It’ll be my life’s work. If it doesn’t happen in my lifetime, it is my wish that everyone show up to my wake/funeral in fresh ass sweat suits. 

Sticking The Landing

Talking is hard. Talking in a world where everything you say is written down, tweeted, and recorded is nearly impossible. We’re constantly kept to this standard that everything you ever say has to be correct. And it always has to hold up. There’s no statute of limitations either. If you ever misstep the mob will come to snatch your livelihood. We’re the gotcha generation. I hate this, and condemn it to the final ring of Hell. However, I’m about to do the shit out of that.

https://youtu.be/fjIuPSuYSOY

If you’ve never seen the video above this blog won’t make much sense. Certainly won’t be nearly as satisfying. In maybe my favorite video ever, Patrice O’Neal schools this lady on the danger of “cancel culture”.

The woman in video is Sonia Ossorio. Sonia was in this debate with Patrice O’Neal to advocate against Opie and Anthony for a sexual assault joke they made against Condoleezza Rice. The radio hosts sent Patrice as their champion. 

That joke almost certainly wouldn’t fly in today’s world, and probably rightfully so. It was Patrice’s opinion that we don’t need to defend the joke but should defend the right to make any joke. That good jokes and bad jokes are born from the same place and sometimes you just don’t stick the landing. That doesn’t mean you fire someone anytime a joke doesn’t work out. Especially when it’s done in a comedy setting. 

But opinions evolve. Comedy adapts. In the end, it appears like Sonia’s way of thinking is more on the forefront of our nation’s attitude towards comedy.

Which brings me to my next point.

The bell, Sonia, it tolls for thee. That picture of Sonia and Cuomo is only about six months ago. Now politics aside, and of course I do believe in due process and Cuomo has not yet had his day in court, at the moment these remain as only allegations. HOWEVER, Sonia was torch in hand at the mention of a joke(!) regarding sexual exploitations, but appears to remain a supporter of someone who’s actually accused of sexual harassment. Seven times over. The real deal, not a joke. By her own standards, she should be canceled.

Sonia Ossorio is the President of National Organization of Women of New York (NOW) which boasts as the nation’s largest organization in advancing women’s rights. She has worked to improve gender-based violence and workplace discrimination. Ossorio also helped to make tougher laws on rape offenders in NY. All work that should be commended and applauded. Work Sonia should be proud of. Should we call for her job? Disregard all her previous years because she took a picture with a guy? And called the guy now accused of sexual harassment a true leader? Of course not. 

I don’t need an apology from Sonia. She doesn’t owe anyone shit. But what I would like to see is acknowledgement that sometimes we do/say things we regret. And that shouldn’t mean the end of the road for that person. 

We can’t live in a society where a mistake is a death sentence. A lot of the times, like in this case, AT THE TIME it wasn’t a mistake. Plenty of people felt that way about Cuomo, but circumstances change, feelings change, and we shouldn’t always be held accountable from a previous opinion you may have held. This idea that you can’t change your mind about something or someone is the denial of growth and the death of free thinking.

Rest in Power Patrice O’Neal, you were right.

An Eye For An I

In Trevor’s newest stunt to become the most annoying person in the MLB, he’s now pitching with one eye closed. Why? Because he loves attention. Bauer claims it’s to help his command but the only thing he wants command over is Twitter trends. He’s not a team guy. Trev is an “I” guy. Do you know who isn’t too fond of your new delivery? People who actually only have one eye.

I have a friend with only one eye. Lost it when he was like 50 in a hockey accident. Maybe not a friend friend but like a family friend. Put it this way, he’d show up to my wake if I died. 

One eyers are regularly the target of offensive behaviour. No one keeps an eye on their feelings. I’m not sure why. Maybe because eyeballs are gross. Seeing someone pull out their fake eyeball is enough to make a guy want to Oedipus shank himself. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t a group that should be protected.

Here is a list I’ve compiled that I found people with one eye find offensive. If they’re angry you shouldn’t call them Nick Fury. If they’re pissing you off you can’t threaten them with The Goonies. If they mumble you can’t say “Speak up Minions.” During Halloween time, don’t ask them if they have a pumpkin patch. If they jump scare you, don’t say “Nice one, Wazowski.” And if you have two eyeballs, don’t pitch with one.

Bet you didn’t think of that, did you Trevor? Exploiting cyclops. Not everyone has the luxury of full sight like you. Some people would kill to pitch with both eyes. Have a heart you self obsessed dickhead.