Do Aliens Play Sports?

The first Olympic Games were held in Ancient Greece over a millennia ago. China used to play soccer with dead people’s heads and Mexico had that sideways basketball game they play in El Dorado. None of these empires crossed paths, yet they all had their own form of sports entertainment. So sports seems to be a natural step in the civilization process. If aliens conquered interstellar travel its fair to assume their civilized. Which means it’s fair to assume they have sports. 

I’m not a big alien invasion guy, but rather an alien intergration guy. I love sci-fi stories that show the clashing of human and alien cultures on their way to harmonizing a peaceful coexistence. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. One way we as humans all come together despite our differences in region or culture is through sports. So why can’t that ring true for interspecies relationships?

Well, there could be issues. Let’s say humans wanted to play in alien leagues. We might not have the tech-savy knowledge to keep up. Or even worse, we may not be genetically inclined enough to hold our own. If Space Jan was any precedent, Michael Jordan had to PED his teammates and literally stretch his own arm 20 feet just to avoid an ass whooping by the Monstars. 

What if the aliens wanted to join our professional leagues? We don’t know if they have telekinetic powers or super strength. Can you imagine The Predator shooting the C Gap? Quarterbacks would lose their skulls. But would it be speciest to exclude them? I don’t know. Their physical superiority could wipe out every league as we know it. 

But maybe not. They could be just like us, humanoid even. People would be skeptical of letting aliens join the NFL, MLB, NBA, and NHL. But maybe a hero would come along. A Jackie Robinson of aliens, to break the species barrier. And we’d all have something to talk about at the local space cantina and live happily ever after. 

More sports is always the answer if the question is ever asked. Picture how fun it would be betting on alien’s sports not knowing what the fuck is going on. Let’s just hope that colonizing planets and enslaving the inhabiting species isn’t their planetary pastime. 

6 Tips To Survive Your Jersey Shore Summer House

Even before those oily New Yorkers from MTV found their way to Seaside, getting a Shore house was a right of passage in these parts. If you plan on spending your summer on the line at Bar A or pretending you’re Italian in D’Jais, here’s a few tips to make it to Labor Day. 

1. Fill A Role 

Everyone brings something to the table. Find your niche and own it. Some people always make sure there’s alcohol, others stock up on the non alcoholic beverages. Both are equally important. There’s always one weed guy or gal. One person bring speakers and control the aux. Maybe you’re the grillmaster. Or you’re the one who brings all the backyard games. Pray to God that there’s a roommate that can help but clean. They’re going to be on your ass all summer, but lean up on the ropes and let them punch themselves out. They’re essential. If you want to be king of the house, make friends with a bouncer or bartender at your home court bar. Once you’ve worked up a good rapport, go early to get everyone bracelets. You’ll never wait in line and everyone will be indebted to you and buy you drinks all night. 

2. Don’t Piss Outside

Towns make millions on this shit every summer. You know the cops that you see in shorts or riding a bike with their little helmets? 99% of the time they're Class II Officers, meaning they’re part time. They love writing that shit. They’re trying to prove themselves, and rightfully so, to get a full time job. Those “urinating in public” tickets go straight to the town’s pockets and get them big brownie points. When they literally catch you with your pants down they got you dead to rights. Summer is expensive enough without paying $300 to take a piss. 

3. Don’t Corner Yourself With Another Group

You’re a group with a shore house, they’re a group with a shore house. Can I make it any more obvious? It’s fine to make friends just make sure they don’t get too comfortable. Before you know it, they’re at your house every night and start getting jealous of the other people you bring back to house. If you set your boundaries correctly, they’ll always be there as a solid backup plan. 

4. Give Up On Sleep

If you go into every weekend with little to no expectations on a good night’s sleep you’ll never be disappointed. There’s limited beds, and unlimited people. Buy cheap sheets that you can throw out. All sheets will either be a.) peed on b.) puked on c.) ejaculated on. Some nights you’re going to have to cut your losses and sleep on the random couch on the porch with nothing but a sweatshirt to keep you warm. Unless you’re big-boned. Then every bed is your bed if you want it to be. You’re hammered, what’re they going to do? Move you? Fuck those skinny bitches, it’s too hot for their bullshit. 

5. Don’t Be The Person Who Gets Mad At Guests

Half the reason to get a beach house is to brag to people that you have a beach house. Outside friends will come to visit. Don’t be the pissy brat who complains about roommates’ guests. The guest doesn’t have a shore house, maybe they’ll get a little too rowdy, yeah. But you need to understand that this is a sprint for them, not your marathon. There will come a night where you have a cousin or a friend or someone you met at the bar come to the house and if you’ve never complained, you can command the same courtesy. 

6. Don’t Get Upset If Someone Hooks Up With Someone You’ve Hooked Up With

This will be a tall order for some of you. It’s human nature. Remember Ronnie’s famous line “My only rule- never fall in love at the Jersey Shore”? How did breaking that rule work out for him? This causes more fights in houses than anything else. It happens, be a grown up. There’s a lot of inventory out there. Save yourself the headache and heartbreak and find someone else. Literally everyone is there to get drunk and have sex, I promise you you’ll find someone. There is going to be drama no matter what, it’s part of the experience. Try to limit it where you can. 

Enjoy yourselves, that’s what you’re there for. There are going to be nights where you make mistakes and wake up the next morning ashamed. Don’t be discouraged, that means you’re doing it right. When all else fails, remember, there’s always next weekend. 

Big Brother Preseason Ranking Based Off Only Profiles

Two years ago, three of my friends and I decided to start a Big Brother draft before each season starts. With no gameplay to go off of, we draft purely on looks and internet profiles. It’s $100 a head and whoever drafts the winner takes the pot. I have my draft tonight so here are my power rankings. 

16. Derek Frazier, 29

I’m sorry to my big boned brother in arms, but someone had to be last. I’m hoping that Derek proves me wrong but strength only gets you so far in this game. Balance and endurance could be an issue. But then again, maybe his famous boxing father, “Smokin” Joe Frazier taught him a thing or two about both. Still rooting for you my man.

15. Sarah Steagall, 27

Sarah is a DNA scientist which would make you think she has some smarts, but her profile says otherwise. When asked what her strategy for the game was Sarah said she plans on being a floater. No place on my squad for anyone who’s already planning around being carried. Sarah said she’s most looking forward to venting in the diary room. Really? You’re playing for half a million and all you’re excited about is complaining? The DNA thing was the only thing keeping her from that last spot. 

14. Britini D’Angelo, 24 

Britini is into karate, swimming, and running. Three things that could come in handy for the challenges. She also boasts as the recipient of both the Niagara and Senior Medal. I don’t know what either of those are but it’s two more medals than I got. As a Kindergarten teacher, Britini seems like a very positive and trusting person. Which means shit in the Big Brother house. I found her Tik Tok and her overt optimism is going to get her eaten alive. She will cry before the season’s over, I guarantee it. 

13. Whitney Williams, 30

 

I apologize in advance to Whitney if I miss the mark here, but I completely based her ranking solely off looking like a reality star villain. Her teeth are smiling, but here eyes aren’t. Being a villain can be an asset in this game, but it takes mastery level deception skills. In the real world, Whitney is a make-up artist, and I just don’t know what skills she can translate from that profession into the house. 

12. Tiffany Mitchell, 40

I’m excited for Tiffany from an entertainment standpoint. She claims to have an alter ego and I can’t fucking wait for that. Either it’s going to be legit and I’m going to love it or it’s going to be so ridiculously bad that I’m going to love it even more. Like her planned winning strategy, Tiffany doesn’t really tell us much. But if past seasons have set any precedent, 40 and up don’t bode to well. 

11. Travis Long, 22

Travis might be worth a late round flyer based off his age, but other than that I really don’t like him. Coincidentally, I predict his biggest advantage (age), will ultimately be his downfall. If the shaka profile picture wasn’t douchie enough, Travis is really looking forward to being the “prank master” of the house. When asked to describe himself in three words his first word was… rambunctious. People are going to get sick of his shit, I already am. Fuck your jawline dude. 

10. Brandon “Frenchie” French, 34

I predict Frenchie is going to wind up being one of my favorite characters in the house. He just looks like he’s going to be funny. Frenchie’s a farmer and former military. Couple that with the loss of his son and he makes for the best feel good story to win. Out of everybody, I hope he wins. But from a betting standpoint, it pains me to say it but southern people rarely get taken seriously in this game. If anyone can turn that around, I’m hoping it’s Frenchie. 

9. Christie Valdiserri, 27

Christie is an interesting contestant. Her career as a professional dancer should translate well to comps. I’m not sure how well things will go for her vegan diet in the house. I doubt slop is vegan. Christie said she plans on telling everyone about her hair loss when the time is right. I love that, use every advantage you can to claw your way to the next week. I think we’re all thinking the the same thing, and let’s just hope it’s not that. 

8. Azah Awasum, 30

Azah’s grandfather was a polygamist with 47 children, giving her 300 cousins. You have to be able to handle yourself fighting against that many cousins for food and a good seat at family parties. One of Azah’s biggest attributes is that she’s a cook, which I think flies way under the radar in this game. It’s hard to vote out the person who’s keeping everyone well fed. The only knock I have on Azah is she described herself as “clumsy”. I think that shows a lack of confidence and not exactly a word I’d want attached to one of my competitors. 

7. Kyland Young, 29

I don’t know where Kyland’s at but it looks like he’s getting some American Ninja Warrior training in. Kyland cosplays at Comic Cons as a police officer and uses a fake badge to cut the lines. It’s not illegal, it’s cosplay. Love that kind of loophole thinking. The only negative I have on Kyland is that he said that he sometimes forgets there’s a cash prize in this competition. While some people may see that as “doing it for the love of the game,” it makes me think that he doesn’t have enough on the line. 

6. Hannah Chaddha, 21

Hannah describes herself as “calculated, composed, and versatile” and quite honestly scares the shit out of me. She’s most looking forward to blindsiding someone in the house. Nice to know Hannah’s not afraid to get blood on her hands. I think she’ll play older than her age, she always has. Graduated from her university at 19 and has a love for science and math. Not a nerd though, no, she’s a competive hip hop dancer. Dancing plays in comps. 

5. Alyssa Lopez, 24

Alyssa was the only one to describe herself as a superfan. A student of the game. I love Alyssa’s plan of going hard for the first HOH. A lot of people are deterred from the first competition because it makes you the first one to make enemies. But it also puts you in the best position to make the strongest alliance. I like the way she thinks, and superfans have a history of going far in this game. 

4. Brent Champagne, 28

I’ll be honest, I didn’t enjoy slotting Brent here at 4. His life’s motto of “I’m here for a good time, not a long time” isn’t a great omen. It was also the Facebook status of high school seniors like ten years ago, close the yearbook dude. But he is a former D1 athlete and I expect that alone to get him into a strong alliance of comp beasts. 

3. Derek Xiao, 24

If there were betting odds, Derek would be my favorite bet. I don’t expect him to wow people with his athleticism, but I do project him to be the most complete player. His motto is “If you laugh at yourself first, then everyone else is just laughing with you.” Love that. Good tough skin for this game. Derek is looking to fund his startup with his winnings. Skin in the game, check. He enjoys playing chess, surfing, and has completed a triathalon. All things that translate. Brains and brawn, and a face that looks like it’ll hold up in the social aspect. I trust him, don’t even know the guy. 

2. Christian Birkenberger, 23 

I don’t like using the word vibe because I don’t think I use it correctly but Christian has a certain vibe about him. Right? He’s a general contractor who enjoys wearing bucket hats. Bucket hat guys always have a strong social game, especially with that hair. I anticipate Christian to be the guy all the girls fall in love with this season. He likes doing flips on unicycles. Which shows off athleticism for comps and a neat goofy party trick for the social game. Also just a great name.

1. Xavier Prather, 27

Being an attorney in this game should be quite the advantage. Xavier’s job is literally to get people to see things his way and agree with him. Not to mention, the guys built like a brick shithouse. This is my Mccaffrey. When asked about his strategy, Xavier said he plans on not letting emotions sway his strategic decisions. Cunning, comp beast, cutthroat. 

I’m really excited for this season. It was nice to have last year’s season, but they clearly cut out the possibility of showmances due to Covid and that really put a strain on the drama aspect. One more week until the saintly Julie Chen graces our television screens. 

Who The Fuck Made Brandon Crawford’s Daughter Cry?

I’m not kidding I think this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t think it’s too far to say that Brandon Crawford shouldn’t be prosecuted if he decides to hunt down these dickheads in Kill Bill fashion. 

I’m sure Jesus wouldn’t be all too happy with me casting the first stone here. I’ve said a lot worse things at arena’s than “You suck”. I know it’s a rivalry game, and they were probably boozin. I guess I want to know if the guys knew that Crawford’s daughter was right next to them. Actually, look at her face. She’s clearly to hold back the tears as one goes down her cheek. Fuck them whether the knew or not. 

I’ve said things at an LSU vs Bama game that would make Satan himself blush. Maybe I’m getting soft, but I don’t care. I have three little nieces now that I watch every Monday. I know it’s not the same as having your own kids. But I’m telling you right now, if grown men ever made my nieces make that face, I would castrate them. 

Who the fuck goes at Brandon Crawford anyway? Guys a career .250 hitter. Has he really been haunting your franchise for years? No disrespect to Brandon, but is that really the guy who’s skin you need to get under? Problem is Dodgers fans are a bunch of yuppies who don’t know shit about shit. I’m rooting for Brandon Crawford now. Fuck the Dodgers and fuck these guys. 

Summer Actually Does Suck, Get Me To Big Boy Winter

Hot Boy Summer isn’t a rallying cry, it’s a plea for mercy. Hating on summer isn’t a take for the sake of being a contrarian, summer sucks. If I have seasonal depression, it’s not the season where I’m watching football with no one to tell me to get out of the house to get some sunlight. 

Comfort wise it isn’t even close. They literally call summer the dog days, and boy do I breathe like one during those months. Filling your lungs with a crisp winter air though? It’s God’s natural vapes. You can always put more layers on, there’s only so many you can take off. 

A guy wearing an open button up with no shirt underneath and sunglasses on has most punchable face in the world. For me, picking out something to wear in the summer is worse than Sophie’s Choice. In the winter I can wear a fresh beanie and a jacket to cover my fat to compete. In the summer, the only way I can somewhat trick people into thinking that I’m not THAT overweight is to wear dark black clothes. The color that will attract the most heat. 

Pain is beauty. Time to pack myself in like a sardine at some stupid Tiki Bar. The worst kind of bar. You don’t meet anyone new at a Tiki Bar? You spend your entire time tactically playing a game of Risk where you and your friends slowly take over a chunk of a bar where you can get a drink without waiting forty minutes trying to get your next round. People bumping into you the whole time. Yours and their arm sweat sliding against each other as they pass. 

All to get too drunk. It’s scientifically proven somehow that you get more drunk in the sun. It’s probably because you’re replacing all the water you sweat out with booze. Every time I go to the bar for another round I wear a look on my face that says “please don’t serve me.” They never listen. The odds of making a bad decision in the summer is tenfold. Tis the season for making an ass out of yourself. The sun, decor, and outfits play tricks on your brain to make you think that you’re James Bond. When at best you’re James Corden.

But what’s the alternative? I sit in my house and fight a two front war on shame? First I have to fend off my mother who won’t stop opening my shades “to let the sun in,” the exact same sun that I’m trying to escape from. That’s her first hint. Then it’s “Oh what’re all your friends doing?” and “Aren’t you sick of watching TV?” No, I’m not. I’m not sick of air conditioning either. Sometimes I think she recruits my friends because they’re my next biggest obstacle. Inviting me to do things? How dare they. I hate more than anything feeling obligated to do things for the sake of doing things. God forbid I don’t answer and they start sending me Snapchats. That only makes me more mad because they put on a good front of having fun. It’s like seafood for me, I see my friends enjoying it and I know I should like to too, but I just don’t. 

I want football, and Christmas, and Buffalo wings, and cold hangovers. I love to brood when I drink. Do you know how hard it is to brood in the summer? Throws me out of my element. So I tough it out during these months. I cross off my calendar counting down the days until winter. The season where the rest of the world is just as miserable as I am. Because when we’re on an even playing field, that’s where I fucking thrive.

The Red Sox Are Cheating Again

Following this weekend’s series, the Yankees are now 0-6 against the Red Sox, 4th in the AL East, 6.5 games out of first, 5.5 games out of the Wild Card, and undefeated in kicking me repeatedly in the heart balls. The only thing keeping me going is the Red Sox cheating scandal. 

It’s very early stages scandal. By that I mean I have no evidence, no facts, no reason to believe that the Red Sox are cheating. I only know that it’s true because I need it to be true. That’s what the MLB is today. If you don’t like someone or something, find a reason to call them cheaters. 

Here’s all I got. Sox ended last year in last place. Literally eating the Orioles dust. Nobody took them seriously coming into this year. They had no incoming talent, the starters were suspect, and the bullpen was woof. The only difference between 2020’s last place team and 2021’s first place team is one man, Alex Cora. Known cheater, Alex Cora. Oh where was he last year? Canned by the Red Sox and suspended by the MLB for his contributions in the Astro’s cheating carnival. He had a whole year to sit in his living room and concoct the next evolution in the Apple watches and garbage can bloodline. I don’t know what he’s doing but he’s doing something.

And why wouldn’t you cheat? What’s the consequence? You lose a manager, GM, and a couple front office guys? You show me a single owner who wouldn’t trade them for a World Series and I’ll show you a liar. Hell, I’ll give you Boone for a bag of pretzels. 

Now that we agree that the Red Sox are guilty until proven innocent, what can the Yankees do to combat it. Seriously, any ideas? I have no good reasons for why this team isn’t good. Judge, Gio, and Stanton are actually performing. LeMahieu still got it, but he’s underperforming comparatively speaking to the last two seasons. I guess you can’t expect him to bat .340 every year. Gleyber looks like a lost puppy. No one told Clint there’s a game outside of bat speed. Everyone’s back on Gary’s dick completely disregarding the past practice that he’s probably a week and a half away from taking a month long vacation. Any starter not named Gerrit Cole is 4.00+ era. Not to mention, I don’t think it’s time to panic, but if you don’t have a lump in your throat while defending Cole you’re lying to yourself. The pen has been alright. The base running has been little league. And someone, anyone, needs to punch Boone in the fucking face. Wake him up. 

I’ve never been so lost on a trade deadline. Trade for Scherzer? Marte? Gallo? I don’t know if this teams worth it. The kid we traded for Taillon has a 2.00 era and 64 Ks in 45 innings pitched, so that’s great. The Scranton team has a AAA best 32-13. Maybe take a peak down there? Dominguez had his pro debut today. I don’t care that he went 0-2 with a walk, call him up. Fuck it, hit out the nukes. I’m kidding obviously, that’s ridiculous, irresponsible, and counter productive. But also I don’t know how much I’m kidding anymore. 

I mean, as much our pitching takes slack, it’s still Top 10 in era as a whole. We’re above league average in OPS, and the long ball is still right there. Plus people forget we’re out our 2 and 3 starters in Sevy and Klub….no. I need to stop. I’m going to talk myself into thinking we’re fine. We’re not fine, this is Stockholm’s syndrome. Steinbrenner’s syndrome even. 

The only actual contribution I can think up is to give CC a blank check to watch every single game inside the dugout. Media is coming at us from angles, along with our fans, and loud mouth Sox fans. I love Judge, and how he handles the media, but we’re lacking a command presence in that locker room. 

I’ll let you in on a secret. I looked up hitting statistics from the Sox last year to this year hoping I’d find something and came up empty handed. They were hitting last year. Hitting the shit out of the ball this year too. But they’re still cheating, and I’m going to figure out what it is. I’ll keep going until I find something or I come up with a better lie. Or until the Yankees make a run. Whatever comes first.

List Of People I Find Too Cocky

Real quick, I had a rough couple of days. I swear it’s relevant. I’ve been sleeping on my couch since my Aunt came up from Florida to donate her kidney to some distant cousin of hers. After putting in a 20 hour shift at work, I said fuck the couch and got a hotel room. I wound up getting super sick and it was one of the worst nights of my life.

As I was checking in, pre-sick, the hotel employee was one of the cockiest dudes I ever dealt with. He was like mad at me for trying to stay at his hotel? He scoffed when I told him I didn’t have a reservation. My man, this is a Holiday Inn in the suburbs on a Wednesday, not Bethlehem during the census. 

As I lay dying, shout out William Faulkner, the only thing I could think about was how unnecessarily cocky that conscierge was. I started compiling a list of people I find too cocky, here’s what I came up with. 

Servers Who Don’t Write Down The Order:

Look, I know that you’re probably capable of handling this but my 65 year old father doesn’t. A lot of things could happen between now and the time our food hits the table. Whether it was your fault, the kitchen’s fault, or the food runners fault, you’re to be blamed now all because you want to show off your little parlor trick. 

The “You Want Sum?!” British Guy:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdfmpp7G/

What does this guy know that I don’t? Anything short of him being some secret Jason Bourne agent and I’m cleaning him. 

Hibachi Chefs:

We’re not reinventing the wheel here. Everyone’s seen you’re little volcano, alright? Get some new material. So I couldn’t catch a little shrimp in my mouth, big deal? No need to have a little water bottle guy piss on me and have half a table of strangers laughing in my face. 

The North Sentinelese: 

They’re the meanest people on Earth and everyone constantly makes excuses for them. They kill and eat anyone who tries to say whatsup. Where do you get off? Anyone could blast you. I got news for you North Sentinelese, fightings changed a lot in 1000 years and if you came at me with rocks and spears I’m fucking you up. 

Middle-Aged People On Facebook:

You don’t know anything, like at all. Every day you get tricked on Facebook. Every single day. Stop yelling at me to educate myself at Thanksgiving because you read 100 fake articles on Facebook. You have no idea how the internet works. You know how your parents gave up their inheritance over the telephone? Some fake social security scam where they give up all their personal information and you thought, how could they fall for that? That’s how we feel about you on Facebook.

Bob Saget:

Look, I don’t dislike Bob Saget but the man is cocky. People are out here every damn day getting canceled and he is constantly saying reckless shit. Bob was the face of family television for a lot of us. Host of AFV, Danny Tanner on Full House. Then what does he do? Writes a book called “Dirty Daddy” talking about doing whipits on set and groping the dolls they had sit in for the Olsen twins during practices. 

My Best Friend Ordering A Soft Shell Crab Sandwich At An Old Diner:

It was after a Rascal Flatts concert and we were all drunk off our asses but that was still no excuse. It’s an old dirty diner. It’s meant for cheese fries, not seafood. You could tell nobody had ever ordered it. They had to blow the dust off that thing. It had probably been sitting in the freezer since 1976. I’m pretty sure the waitress said “You sure?” when he ordered it. 

That’s it, the end. For now. There’s no other way to sign off on this. I know it and you know it. So if you’re thinking about criticizing my last paragraph here, don’t get too cocky.