Real Life Duttons (Yellowstone) Run For Governor In Idaho

When I first started watching Yellowstone, I thought there was no way people still live like this. Cowboys and Native American reservations, fighting with with the federal government over cattle territory. I mean, what century is it? None of it seemed plausible until I read about the Bundy family. 

The Bundy family first came into the limelight over a lands dispute with the government in 2014. The feds came knocking for a cool million from the patriarch, Clive Bundy, for twenty-one years of grazing fees. So pretty much his cattle was chilling on federal land, so the government said “fuck you pay me”. He refused, they took his cattle, so this old ass rancher got in a damn standoff with Uncle Sam. 

Cliven, such a dope name, started recruiting militia from all over the country to fight off the Bureau of Land Management. Like wtf? How do you even have militias phone numbers. He wrote his plea titled “Range War Emergency Notice and Demand For Protection” and people answered his call. Since the Bundys declare Range War on the US they sent a bunch of armed men over to handle the situation. 

Well it all came to head on April 12th when the Bundy protestors decided to block Interstate 15 and cause a two hour traffic delay on both sides. That alone should be 25 to life. The militia tactically set up on overheads and had rifles ready to take out Bureau Agents while the Bundys met them on horseback armed to the teeth. They returned the cattle within thirty minutes.

Think the Bundy’s stopped there? Cliven’s sons Ammon and Ryan decided two years later to overtake and occupy a federal building in Oregon for over a month. They claimed to protest tyranny and demanded federal lands to be transferred over to rancher property. The occupation ended in a shootout with one militia member killed. 

Now you’re probably wondering about the title. How in the hell could these guys run for governor from prison? Well it’s simple, they’re not in prison. They were acquitted. This is some Dutton family, Yellowstone type shit. How many people do the Bundys have in their pocket to get away with stealing a federal building for 41 days, shooting their way out, only to walk around like nothing happen.

Avoiding jail would’ve been enough for me to take my ball and go home. But Ammon Bundy, ringleader of the 2016 shootout, has decided to take a victory lap. He’s rubbing the government’s nose in his freedom by running for Governor of Idaho. Because if there’s one thing that anti-government people love, it’s joining the government.

How Much Money Would A Male Sex Podcast Make?

The answer is: not enough to cover the bail. Any man who created a sex-geared podcast would be on every FBI watchlist possible. There would be nothing edgy or enlightening about it, just downright creepy. Is it a double standard? Probably. But it’s definitely one we should keep in tact. 

When Call Her Daddy took the internet by storm, how did the female community react? They empowered one another, started calling each other sluts endearingly, they formed a gang and made bylaws encouraging infidelity. How would guys react if there was a dudes sex podcast? “Cool man, you have sex. We get it.”

Guys can’t have a sex podcast because 80% of their stories are made up. It would be more like gross fan fiction. Nobody wants to hear my sex podcast. I don’t want to hear my sex podcast? No ones intrigued by me drunkenly hitting up an ex at 3am so I can clumsily fiddle around with her bra strap for a silent six minute escapade with the lights off and my shirt on. The only place a guy giving instructions for a Slurp Slurp 9000 should be seen is on a police report. 

Congratulations to Alex Cooper who is now officially making more money per year than Noh Syndergaard. There’s going to be a lot of copycats that stem from the Spotify deal. Let’s hope none of them are men. 

Would You Have Sex With The Toothless Tik Tokker?

During this blog, I’m going to try and remain honest with you and myself. But no promises. This toothless Tik Tokker has been all over every social media outlet for her makeup and dentures transformation. 

I don’t know this woman’s story or what she’s been through. But she’s been through it. For the sake of this question, I don’t want anyone to know her story. We’re basing this little experiment solely on looks. I know that’s not really kosher, but fuck off like you don’t have a Tinder profile? 

In a different century, she’d be burned at the stake for this. I don’t want to hear another word about my receding hairline when I take my hat off. Not when women are shapeshifting like this. 

I think you already know the answer to my title. I wouldn’t have written this whole thing just to say no? That’d be silly. You can act like you’re above it, with that little ego of yours. But you can’t expect me to believe if bottom picture asked you to come back to her place after a night out on the dance floor that you’d say no. She’s hot. You’d take down Melissandre and you know it. 

The worst part about all of this is that I’m acting like I’d still be the decision maker. It hurts, but there’s a high probability that @princxssglitterhead takes one good look at me and laughs at my attempt to pick her up. The irony isn’t lost on me, I’m laughing at the thought of getting turned down by a gummy Hocus Pocus character. But I’m only laughing on the outside. 

I Watched My First Premier Lacrosse League Game

I’m perpetually looking for new sports to fill my free time and different ways to lose my money. I gave soccer a go this year and immediately went with Man City strictly based on them being in first for the Premier League. Heartbreak in my first year of fandom, as they lost the Champions Cup final. Looking to fill my soccer void, I decided to lacrosse a look.

Following my soccer model, I checked to see who won it all last year and decided to be a Whipsnakes fan. I’ve never seen a lacrosse game. Match? Not at any level, not even my friends’ high school game. So in order to pop my cherry, I watched last year’s championship between the Redwoods and MY Whipsnakes. 

Lacrosse is chaotic but there’s a poetry to it. It’s violent and clunky, but somehow smooth at the same time. I don’t think I’ll ever play it, but so far, I do think I will continue watching it. 

The physicality of the game isn’t a classic brute type of violence. Like it’s not a bloody Nate Diaz or a broken nose JJ Watt kind of carnage but more of a suck your teeth kind of pain. Which I think is worse. I’d rather be punched in the face than stub my toe really hard, if that makes any sense. Those sticks definitely hurt and I was pissed that the players were pretending like they didn’t. At one point the ball was on the ground getting kicked around, and this maniac comes up and just starts whipping dudes in the shins. It would’ve been enough for me to drop my stick and walk out the stadium right then and there. 

The ball that they use makes absolutely zero sense. There is just no way that they all see that ball. The reaction times are insane, and I honestly don’t understand how more people aren’t getting blasted in the face by this thing. The goalies? Biggest balls in the world. The average lacrosse shot is around 90-105 mph and weighs the same as a baseball. Like imagine Aroldis Chapman told you to that he was going to throw a baseball at your chest in the hopes that it goes by you, and your response was, “Nah I think I’ll block it instead.” Are you kidding me? I would fucking sprint in the opposite direction if a lacrosse ball was shot at me. Any sort of save is nothing short of a miracle. 

I do have some notes. I don’t understand why someone who scored from behind the arc got two points but the guy who pulled up from half only got one. Do they wear cups and if not, do they immediately die if hit in the jewels? Also, the slow-mo needs to be just a little bit slower for a more dramatic affect. 

Only thing for me to do now is learn the players. I want to know the rivalries, the gripes, the drama. I need to know why people are getting their fingers bitten off. I think this will really take off once the betting is more availble. I live in New Jersey and between DraftKings and Fanduel the only thing I can bet right now is a future on the league winner. Betting on individual games will undoubtedly get the blood pumping, but for now I’ll just throw a future on my Whipsnakes. 

The Dual-Anniversary Paradox

When did dating anniversaries become a thing? I know my parents didn’t have one. Maybe they’re not the best example, but I don’t know anyone’s parents who celebrate when they became “boyfriend and girlfriend.” But now my friends are getting married. So will they have to do two anniversaries? One married and one dating?

You know what I’m talking about with dating anniversaries right? When you’re scrolling through Instagram and a couple is posting the same pictures of each other. The girl’s caption is like “4 years with my best friend. Thank you for all the laughs, snuggles, inside jokes, and being the best dog dad in the world. I love you to the moon.” And the guy’s caption is like, “4 years with this one.” 

It’s a lot of pressure that anniversary date. You have to dress up and get some fancy dinner. Maybe even buy each other gifts. Another expensive day of doing things. Then what? Once you get married you have an exact replica of that day just on a different part of the calendar? Sounds dreadful. 

It’s not like you can suggest that you only celebrate one anniversary from now on. Imagine that fight? It’s not enough that you got married, you have to keep reminding yourselves that you once dated too. 

Timing would be key here. I’ve always had terrible timing. My last girlfriend and I started dating like a little after midnight on New Years. Which is something I never would have done but she was really really mad at me. Apparently it wasn’t cool of me to call my Mom from outside the bar as the ball dropped. Then staying out there for the next twenty minutes to call my grandparents, dad, brother, sister and nieces only made things worse. It took twenty minutes into a new year for all of her friends to tell me how big of an asshole I am. I tried talking to her but she just kept on crying, and crying, and crying so I made her my girlfriend to make it all go away. Perked right up. Ten minutes later I’m on top of the world, on the dance floor doing the Carlton to a Blues Traveler song. My smile faded slowly into shock as I realized for the rest of this relationship, instead of spending New Year’s Day hungover in my bed, I’m going to have to dress up nice and buy an expensive dinner. If you couldn’t tell from this blog, it didn’t last a year for me to see how it would have played out. 

Learn from my mistakes, think this one through. If you have to celebrate two anniversaries, you have to have your wedding like six months after your dating date. Give the old wallet a break. Plus if it’s too close together you’ll have to explain to the boys you can’t play Warzone that night because it’s your anniversary and one of them will go “Didn’t you just have an anniversary?” Then you’ll get roasted. Men have memories like dogs, if it’s six months apart, they’ll think it’s been a year since your last one.

In fact, I do have a solution. But the stars would have to align. Or you’ll have to wait for them to align. Don’t propose until there’s a year where your dating anniversary is on a Friday or Saturday. Then explain how romantic it would be if you got married on the same date, “It could be our date forever.” But really, you just cut your anniversaries in half. 

Our National Pandemic Nightmare Is Almost Over

It’s been months and months but thankfully people are beginning to shut the fuck up about it. It sucks, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that this isn’t going anywhere. Year after year we’re probably going to have to deal with this. But the good news is, we’re in the homestretch. In a few weeks maybe, hopefully everyone will stop talking about their “allergies”.

“Allergy season” is the worst few months of the year for small talk. I put it in quotations because I know damn well that most people have no idea if they’re allergic to pollen, they just want in on the fun. But every day there is a minimum of two people who say something like “Ughhh my allergies are killing me today,” or “Yeah I always get it bad at change of seasons,” or “The pollen is crazy today! You should have seen it on my car.” I don’t care. And I certainly don’t care what kind Claritin you use, stop telling me.

You can’t even sneeze in peace this time of year. Someone, thinking that they’re comforting you over a fucking sneeze, always says something like “Oh my allergies are bad today too, are yours bad?” Every time I respond “Yeah, I don’t have allergies,” it’s met with pure disgust. Their stare conveys their message: what is wrong with you, why can’t you just play along with the rest of society. What do you think you’re too good for allergies? Yes, yes I do think that. 

What the fuck is so bad about allergies anyway? A runny nose and watery eyes? That’s what’s taking you out? I shit you not, I saw this girl I know on Instagram post herself hooked up to this machine, she looked like Darth Vader with no helmet, the caption read: ughhh gonna be one of those days. The next picture was like ten bottles of pills and vitamins. Do you want the cure for allergies, cause I’ll give it to you. Have a cup a tea and grow up. 

I looked it up, pollen allergy symptoms should start to dwindle after the first week of June. But I’ll be on the lookout for fakers during July and August. The problem is these people will be back October. But if you’re one of them, one of these allergy liars, please remember when it goes from hot to cold or cold to hot there is a strong possibility that you just have a cold and not allergies. I promise you’ll live. 

Saban Gearing Up To Cuck Dabo

College football is coming into full swing, and it’s been a big week for Alabama. CFP announces that it’s considering a 12 team playoff right on the heels of Nick Saban’s eight year extenstion. Not that there wasn’t already a guarantee that Bama would make the playoffs each year, but now they could probably even sneak in with three losses if need be. The cherry on top? Looks like Saban is working his magic to steal Matayo Uiagalelei, Clemson’s starting quarterback’s little brother. 

Matayo Uiagalelei is a 6’5”, 265 pound junior defensive lineman. You might remember his brother DJ, who stepped in for Trevor Lawrence while he was under Covid protocol. The same DJ Uiagalelei who lost not once, but twice to future Alabama starting quarterback Bryce Young in high school. But that’s neither here nor there. 

You might be thinking there’s no way. No matter what Saban’s done, he can’t out-recruit someone’s own brother. But Big Brother isn’t calling the shots, Big Dave is. 

Big Dave is the father of Matayo and DJ Uiagalelei. It seems the family is keeping an open mind to recruiting. Nick Saban’s just a family man, that’s all. A father above all else. He probably wasn’t even recruiting. Just wanted to chat with Big Dave. You heard the man, Nick Saban just gets it.

Now we all know Alabama doesn’t pay players. We’re too good-natured for that sort of stuff. Clemson on the other hand, probably does. I mean, how else could you explain this meteoric rise to college football domination. Could Big Dave be using this as a negotiation tactic to make Dabo cough up the bag? No. Unlikely, he’s just a father looking out for the best interest of his son. Unless Matayo ends up at Clemson, then that’s exactly what he’s doing.

My pitch to Big Dave would be the prospect of a Disney movie. That’s where the real money is. Brothers play on the same team all the time, nobody cares about that. Do you know how many brothers have played against each other in the National Championship? None. I didn’t fact check that but there’s no way. Two brothers fighting for the same trophy? ESPN would eat that shit up. Picture this: Clemson’s down three with a minute left. DJ is going no huddle and moving the chains with ease. But it’s fourth down now. DJ drops back, sheds the first tackle, sees a reciever open down field for a touchdown and winds up, BAM. Gets sacked from the blind side. It’s Matayo. The clock runs out, confetti is falling from the ceiling. Alabama is running on the field celebrating in slow motion. The Hawaiian version of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”starts playing. The camera pans back to the two Uiagalelei brothers who are both still down at the line of scrimmage. Matayo is crying, fighting back the tears is DJ, trying to comfort his little brother. I mean, cmon. Movie writes itself. 

I have a good feeling about this one. I once bought a picture of a random guy snorkeling from a Tuscaloosa thrift shop. I hung it up in my room for two years. What did I name him? Big Dave. No lie. Is it just a coincidence? Yes. But also, I don’t believe in coincidences.