Japanese Ice Cream Company Apology Video For Nine Cent Increase

There aren’t many companies left that can claim that they run their business off good, clean morales. In fact, I reckon there was only two left. I’m sure you know which two I’m going to say. Yup, Costco Snack Stand and Steak-umms. Steak-umms obviously for their Twitter approach. Costco, obviously for their founder Jim Sengal telling the current CEO that, “If you raise the price of the fucking hot dog, I will kill you. Figure it out.” Hot dog and soda combo still $1.50, same it’s been since 1985. But a newcomer approaches, Garigari-kun.

This Japanese ice cream company recently made an apology video for raising their price from Y60 to Y70. That’s a nine cent raise. I’ve watched this video an embarrassing amount of times. Before each viewing I didn’t know whether I was going to laugh or cry this time. 

Japan does not play by the same rules. They felt this shit in their fucking souls. The damn founder, or president, or whoever that sad old man was holding his thumb before the camera panned out, made the entire company come out to face the music. Over nine cents.

I half expected the entire company to perform a seppuku right then and there. You might have seen seppukus in movies or TV. They’re the samurai suicides where the person stabs themself in the stomach and then someone immediately chops there head off with a sword. Thank God they didn’t. Because I forgive them. I forgive them so much. 

No notes app for Garigari-kun. Instead they made maybe my favorite apology video ever. The whole thing was perfect, the music, the sad faces, topped off with the elegance of the bow. Who could stay mad?

Alright to be honest I just realized this video is five years old. It doesn’t undo everything I just said but it certainly feels different now. Have you ever gotten an apology for something five years later? It’s like, yeah dude whatever, I don’t care about that anymore. But my power rankings have been updated and there’s no  turning back: 1. Costco Sanck Stand, 2. Garigari-kun, 3. Steak-umms. 

I Could Beat Up A Spear-Wielding Mark Zuckerberg

I’m aware that I’m aging myself, but I was scrolling Facebook late last night when I came across this video of Mark Zuckerberg throwing a spear. I guess some people are impressed with his javelin throwing? I’m not sure why. The only thing I could think of while watching this was “there’s no way that things touching me.” I think I could take Mark Zuckerberg 1v1 even with a two spear handicap. 

First throw was a bit outside, second one was a bullseye. But like, just dunk it next time dude? I know the video is in slow motion, but even sped up it looks like the spear would be going pretty slow. I’d probably even be able to catch it and whip it right back at him. I think it’s his form? His throwing motion looks like mine when I try to throw something left handed. There’s just nothing Mark Zuckerberg could ever do to convince me he’s an athlete. It’s too late, we’ve all already seen that sunscreen picture. 

And I know he’s reading this as I write it. 

He just has such a punchable face, and The Social Network did not do him any favors. Zuckerberg’s inevitable run for president is going to be so insufferable. I know he doesn’t need to fundraise for his campaign but how much money do you think he’d bring in if he did a pie in the face fundraiser. But instead of pie, you could noogie, wedgie, or swirly Mark Zuckerberg. 

Sure, Mark has enough money to buy my family away from me. But even with two spears, I’m confident that I could beat the shit out of him. I just know that deep down that bothers him, and that’s enough for me. 

Joel Embiid Is The Perfect 76er

Joel Embiid uses DX entrances, shirley temple jokes, and tweets at Rihanna to distract everyone from the fact that he’s 7’0”, 280 lbs. with knees like SpongeBob. The only ones he’s fooling is Sixers fans, and boy do they eat it up. 

I’m a “c word”. I was afraid to even admit that really, cause it’s such a devasting deathblow when you’re called a “casual”. Whenever I state my basketball opinion, I feel like that Jon Snow gif going against all the formals. NBA formals’ opinions are gospel, and if you disagree with them, they’ll gladly remind you how stupid you are. But you don’t exactly have to be an analyst to recognize that Sixers fans are contractually obligated to say “Embiid, when healthy” whenever they argue basketball. 

So I said the Sixers will never win anything while Embiid is doing his whole “will I, won’t I” act for his entire career. Big whoop. You would’ve thought I suggested they decapitate the Rocky statue. All I did was imply that Joel can’t stay healthy, a generally accepted fact at this point. Next thing you know, I have a Sixers fan spitting in my face, screaming about Nikola Jokic? How the fuck does that happen?

But despite his wet cardboard knees, Embiid is the perfect hero for Philly. He’s too goofy and lovable to trade and the guy puts asses in seats. And he’s good, I won’t dispute that. But the Sixers can’t get it done with a Ben and Embiid base. The best chance they had was Ben, Joel, and Jimmy Butler and they couldn’t even reach the Eastern Conference Finals.

But who cares about winning when you can constantly claim that you would have won? Embiid is the perfect built in excuse. He’s a flawed, but highly talented entertainer. Jokic wins MVP? Embiid wasn’t healthy. Hawks bounce the Sixers in the second round? Embiid wasn’t healthy. “Can you imagine if he was healthy? Who would’ve covered him on the Nets? Probably would have walked to the Finals.” And just like that, Philly UCFs an NBA Finals even though they’re about to be torched by Trae Young. 

What LeBron James Has To Do To Make Me Love Him

Not to brag but I’ve hated LeBron since before it was cool. I was ten years old during his rookie season. My best friend, who I had been regularly been going to Nets games with, had completely changed his fandom to the Cavs when Bron came to town. For Christmas my friend’s mom got him a LeBron plaque that he proudly displayed in his bedroom. It was engraved “The Next Lebron James.” Gross. Well that was all the ammo I needed, I declared war against Bron the first time I laid eyes on that plaque. 

I mean what was my friend’s problem? My best friend and I hate each other. Hate is too strong an emotion to waste on someone you don’t like. He was going to be the next LeBron James? He’s half Cuban and the other 50% Irish/Italian? He’s got a little fro and grew to a whopping 5’9”. Well if he was determined to be the next LeBron James then I was going to be the next Skip Bayless. 

For years and years I shit on LeBron. We’d wake the neighbors at house parties arguing over who and what LeBron James was to the game of basketball. I can still remember how my mouth watered when Bron scored only 8 points in Game 4 of the Finals vs. the Mavs. 

But it’s not fun anymore. I used to take on whole dorm rooms during my crusade against LeBron. Nobody likes LeBron these days. When I throw out a negative Bron stat now everyone just shrugs their shoulders at me and mumbles, “Mmm yeah, alright.” What the fuck is that? Even my best friend doesn’t defend his King anymore. I guess when he realized he was destined to be the “Next Accountant For Tinton Falls, NJ” and not “The Next LeBron James,” it stole his fire away. 

Now what? Am I thinking the impossible? Has the pendulum swung so far in my favor that I’m ready to ride it back the other way? Am I turning heel? Am I about to be..... a LeBron Stan? WWSD?

If I’m going to do this, I need some sort of commitment from LeBron. No more wishy washy nice guy routine. I want LeBron to embrace the villain. He has a player option at the end of the year, decline it. If you’re reading this LeBron... join the Warriors. God, can’t you see the headlines? Don’t you hear the cries? If LeBron James joins Steph and Klay in Golden State, I’ll buy a jersey that day. We can drink the world’s tears together like old pals. 

Okay Ladies, You Have A Legitimate Gripe With The Toilet Seat Being Up

Yanks vs. Sox, David vs. Goliath, women with full bladders vs. men who leave the toilet seat up. Some rivalries transcend generations. Having an older sister forced me into the toilet seat game at a young age. 

“How hard is it to put the seat down?!”

“How hard is it to look to see if it’s up before sitting down?!”

And round and round the merry-go-round we went. I was destined to do this dance forever. Until recently. I fell into the toilet seat yesterday. 

There’s a few determining factors that contributed to my plunge into sewage. First of all, I live in a two bedroom apartment with each room having it’s own bathroom. Because it’s my bathroom I constantly leave the seat up because I’m an adult fully capable of putting it down if I need to switch gears. Secondly, and more importantly, when you turn the light on in my bathroom the fan automatically goes on. This fan was brandished in Hell. It sounds like a constant Lloyd Christmas’ “want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?” The noise is so loud that it takes Tik Tok out of the equation when I’m in it for the long haul. Lastly, when no ones home I shit with the door open and the light off so I can scroll through videos from the comfort of my own toilet. 

Yesterday, I almost let a fart get the best of me and hurried to my bathroom. Knowing that no one was home I didn’t bother to turn the light on, but, I also didn’t bother to check if the seat was down. It was too dark, I just assumed. But it was too late. 

To say I looked terrible would be an insult to the word “terrible”. I didn’t know what hit me. My own ass betrayed me. There was no athletic way for a man of my size to get out of the toilet bowl. It was a horror movie. Have you ever been embarrassed by yourself? Nobody saw me at the bottom of a toilet seat. No one saw me at rock bottom. But I was just as ashamed as if it had been televised. 

So I’m more cautious now. Sympathy wasn’t enough, I needed empathy. I’ve pivoted to double and triple checking to make sure I put the seat down. There might be some guys upset that I’m willing to give up a little ground on this front. But you weren’t there man, you wouldn’t know.

Viva La Scram

For the upcoming comedy movie Jackass 4, we have...drama. It’s no secret that Bam Margera, normally a staple in the Jackass franchise, has been kicked off the finale for breach of contract. Speculation is that it’s due to his substance abuse issues. 

I was clinging on to hope that somehow Bam could work out his issues and still sneak in to the final cut. It’s safe to say that’s an impossibility now with Bam unable to come within 100 yards of the director, Jeff Tremaine, who recently filed a restraining order against him. Even for a cast that is comfortable with glueing pubes to each other’s faces, throwing snakes on one another, and shoving toy cars up their ass, there is a line. Bam allegedly threatening Tremaine and his children through texts is a million steps passed that line. 

“Look at your children and grab your pocket book and write a check, if you are greedy, and cheap, look at your children again. If you don’t sign the paper, look at you children. Sign your stupid fucking contract before your not safe anywhere.”

Seems like he struggles with grammar as much as he does with drugs. But holy shit man. Threatening someone’s children is upper echelon scumbag. Bam’s lucky that the only outcome from this is a restraining order. By all accounts Jeff Tremaine seems like a pretty good dude too. When Bam went to Instagram to bash Trumaine and Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O came to their defense saying that both of them organized the intervention that saved his life. Here’s the Instagram post of Bam declaring Jackass’ betrayal:

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CPO6ZUeh90P/?utm_medium=copy_link

It’s sad to see Bam reduced to your Aunt on Facebook who doesn’t understand that you shouldn’t talk about your family’s issues on a public forum. The guy clearly has problems. But it’s hard to feel sympathy for anyone who threatens kids. 

I’m not sure why I’m so surprised by his behavior. I guess it’s because he held a special place in a whole generation’s heart. But his show was based on him being an asshole, he was an asshole in the movie Grind, and he’s being even more of an asshole now. 

Article: https://thebrag.com/jackass-director-issues-restraining-order-bam-margera/

My Dad Believes In Dragons

My Dad is 63 years old and I recently found out that he struggles with separating history and legend. In perfect Dad fashion, he finally decided to “check out this Game Of Thrones thing everybody’s been talking about.”

During his watch I would pop in from time to time to stand and watch with him for about 15 minutes in silence before walking out. Flip the script. During one of the later seasons when Drogon was fully grown, an episode had finished and he looked up at me and said, “Could you imagine what it is was like to actually see one of those things.”

“I’m sorry, what did you just say to me?”

This wasn’t a bit, or a gag, or a dad joke. It’s very important to me that you know this. Because I know if I saw this in a viral tweet or something I would immediately call bullshit. It looks like one of those toddlers with political takes Tweets, I know that. But it wasn’t that. My father has no control over his facial expressions. I’m able to tell him what he’s thinking all the time before he even opens his mouth. It freaks him out. I know when he’s lying, he’s physically unable to lie to me. So when I tell you that I said to him, “You know they’re not animatronics, that’s it’s all CGI right?”, that he was dead serious when responding “No I mean like seeing a dragon back in the olden days.”

My Dad is not a nerd. He doesn’t believe that the government has covered up dragons in conspiracy theories. He doesn’t even know any conspiracy theories. My Dad simply thought dragons went extinct and was looking at me confused like this was common knowledge. 

I fell to the ground laughing. He cracked up laughing asking me what we were laughing at. In between my hysterics, after many minutes, I managed to squeak out, “Dragons were never real, they’re made up.” He was screaming “NO” and was trying to reason with me over my laughter. He kept yelling over me, “You’re fucking with me! You’re fucking with me! Google it! Cmon, cut it out now. Will you! Google it!”

I crawled to my phone like Anakin with no legs. Having my phone grounded me a bit. I was able to stand back up and show him proof from the History Channel website that said dragons aren’t real. I needed a source he would trust. I was back in control now and able to start joking about it. “Who did you think killed all the dragons? King Arthur?” The look of shock and realization that came across his face... Back to floor. We laughed together now though, while my father’s whole concept of history was dumped on it’s head.

But I got greedy. Him believing in dragons and King Arthur wasn’t enough for me. I wasn’t ready to pinch off this laugh. I’m not really a “quit while you’re ahead” guy. So I said “Would you like to talk about Adam and Eve?” Then his face just got sad. I didn’t laugh after that. So I said “I’m kidding about that one, of course I’m kidding about that.” We’re Irish Catholic and he clearly was not ready for this conversation. 

With my happy moment suddenly turning very sad, I left. But do you know what cured that right up once he was out of earshot? Picturing my Dad’s face when he realized that dragons never existed.