Aging With Technology

Millennials are the first to really age with the Internet. As I get older the way I see things on social media are evolving. For instance, when I used to see throwbacks of social media friends with their young parents I’d be amazed at how young everyone looked. Now when I see those long stories with throwbacks of parents I rapidly tap to the end thinking “oh fuck I hope their Dad didn’t die”. But we’re at that age now. Part of getting to this age is hating on the generation that comes after you. Which I’m about to do. 

I never thought I’d be the old man screaming at the clouds, but Gen Z’s are out of control. Tik Tok in particular. It’s not entirely their fault, but it also is 100% their fault. I had Facebook and AIM in my formative years, I get it. I’ve said and done things on there I regret, but I atleast had fear. These kids just do not give a fuck. Where are their parents?

We used to have school assemblies about being careful of what you put on the Internet because of perverts and stuff. Ok maybe they might of been about chatrooms at the time, but still the underlying message was the same. Do kids not get these pep talks anymore?

I’m not going to get into the particulars of what kids are doing on Tik Tok. If you’ve been on the app you know what I’m talking about. We’re making the aforementioned perverts jobs way too easy nowadays. Parents put the fear of God back into your children.

I know my parents did. My Mom in particular. When I was a freshman in high school I still wasn’t allowed to have a Facebook or a Myspace. But since it was my rebellious stage, I had already had one for three years. One night my little brother and I were home alone watching a movie. We were in an unused bedroom that we had put a PS2 and a couch in. My brother fell asleep on the couch almost as soon as the lights went off. I decided to cruise Facebook on the floor. My face was so glued to the monitor that I hadn’t heard my parents come home. When the bedroom door opened and my mom’s face peeked in, my heart sank to my toes. I slammed my laptop shut. Red flag obviously, my mom asked me what I was doing. I just shook my head no, I hadn’t closed out the window. After demanding over and over again that I open my laptop and show her what I was on I blurted out to my sweet sweet mother, “Porn! It was porn. I was watching porn”. The look of shock on her face will never escape me. My mom looked like I had just punched her in the jaw.

I’ll try my best to quickly transcribe what I remember after that. 

Mom: “You need to talk to your son.”

Dad: “Why?” 

Mom: “He was just watching pornography with his little brother asleep on the couch.”

Dad: “Oh.”

*Mom leaves to her room and slams the door.

Dad: “Wtf is wrong with you? Look buddy, I know you’re at that age now but...I mean...I never thought I’d have to tell you you can’t jerkoff with you’re little brother in the room.”

Me: “I was on Facebook, I couldn’t open my laptop or mom would have found out.”

Dad knowing I had a Facebook: “Jesus. You could have said literally anything else.”

Me: “It just blurted out.”

Dad: “Hahahahaha oh man, fuckin idiot. Good luck at breakfast tomorrow.”

I was so afraid of letting my mother know that my likeness was on the Internet that I resorted to letting her think I was practicing exhibitionism in front of my 12 year old brother. That’s the kind of fear that today’s parents need to bring back to these Tik Tokers. 

Maybe I’m just getting old. I remember the rush of answering the a/s/l question in chatrooms. Is doing stupid shit on the Internet in your adolescence just part of growing up now? It’s not my job to answer those kind of questions. My part to play is shitting on the new up and comers for making similar stupid decisions that we made. Stupid Tik Tokers. 

We All Need To Chill Out With Greta Thunberg

I mean, come on. Grown ass man burning her face off? How far is too far? Probably this. I don’t know the exact politics behind this but is it really necessary for India to go to war with an 18 year old? People treat her like she’s an international politician. Like she’s a prime minister or something. She’s a child with a Twitter account. 

Greta, Greta, Greta, what’re we going to do with you. Apparently Greta had a big oopsie when she accidentally Tweeted a list of “suggested posts” she was given about the Indian farmer’s revolt. This sparked a conversation about how many of Greta’s progressive ideals were her own, and how many were handed to her by people with their own agendas. Who knows? Who cares. People listen to her and if she can make a little coin off her Twitter, then good on her. Don’t hate the player. Disclaimer: I know nothing about this Indian farmer’s revolt or the impact Greta has had on it.

In my perfect world, Greta is a con artist. She was 15 when she came into the limelight. How’d she get famous you ask? Greta skipped school to raise awareness for climate control. Absolute genius. What 15 year old doesn’t want to skip school? I hope she had a big project due that she left to the last minute and said “You know what, I won’t be able to hand this in because the worlds on fire. See ya never”. Then playing hooky snowballs and now you get fire face in India. If that’s the case, Greta is probably sitting somewhere thinking she might have bit off more than she can chew.

But like I said, who knows. I’m not saying don’t take her seriously, but just chill out on the riots and the Twitter pitchforks. She’s still a kid. Greta has a clear pathway to a political future if that’s what she wants. If that’s her goal, best of luck. If that isn’t her intention and she’s being shoved into the world’s biggest problems, then get out now Greta. If you catch it quick enough we won’t have to watch your VH1 docuseries on the childhood you weren’t able to reclaim. 

Sneezing With A Mask

The reasoning behind saying “Bless you” when someone sneezes is that it was believed your heart stopped briefly during the sneeze. I remember the first time I sneezed going 70 on the parkway. I was sure I was either going to kill someone for closing my eyes during the sneeze or have a heart attack thinking about having to sneeze. Either way, same result. It’s not like I could hold it? Someone told me once that could give you an aneurysm and I took that as gospel. So sneezing has always been a motherfucker.

And it hasn’t gotten any easier. What the heck am I supposed to do when I need to sneeze while wearing a mask. You know a mask, the thing I wear to do my part in helping to slow down this deadly disease that’s swallowing the globe? That + your body’s natural convulsion method of dispelling everything disgusting in your body. How do I do that? 

The other day I was in a liquor store, a place you would think free of judgement and ridicule. Wrong. I felt the sneeze coming on and I immediately knew it was going to be a big one. You know in those Robert Downey Jr Sherlock Holmes movies when times stops and he goes through every scenario in his head of how his next actions will go? I had one of those, it was transcendent. 

I thought of making a run for it. Could I make it outside to sneeze before it came out? Risky. I always run the gamble of opening the door to sneeze and blasting someone in the face. Plus I’d look like a lunatic if I sprinted outside, have everyone hear me half scream and then walk right back in like nothing happened. Next.

I pictured myself taking the mask off to sneeze into my hand like the olden ways. Couldn’t do it. Makes me too easy of a target to go viral for all the wrong reasons. The mask is there specifically for this reason, bonehead. Someone could walk up to me and call me a super spreader or worse, accuse me of putting their loved ones in danger. While easily the least messy option for me, it was clearly the wrong one. 

That left me with one option. Sneeze right into my mask. Gross. I could tell this sneeze was going to pack a punch. Do I cover my mouth? I could look ridiculous because that’s the mask’s job. But my goodness what if visible spray came through the mask? I’d have to move out of town. I’ll cover my mouth/mask and if anyone questions it I’ll just say I was being double careful. Like the hero I am. This is the right choice. 

“ACHOO!”

Not a single fucking “bless you”. Everyone just looked at me like I was the walking embodiment of the plague. It was a sneeze guys, people still need to sneeze. Nothings wrong with me. I could feel things in my mask, it wasn’t pretty. I sanitized before I went to check out. The cashier girl looked at me the whole time like I had just shit in my diaper. Do you think I want to be in this situation? Ring me up please so I can get the fuck out of here. 

Just because social norms have gone out the window  I don’t think manners should. If you’re in a public place and somebody sneezes please say “bless you” so that person doesn’t think everyone in the room hates them. Remember they’re the hero here. They’re the ones now wearing a booger hammock for the sake of humanity. 

Stocks Show People’s True Colors

It’s been quite a week. I downloaded Robinhood and watched one single seven minute youtube video on investing in the stock market and convinced myself I was about to be a millionaire. I had already mentally spent my money. GameStop, Nokia, and AMC have all dropped considerably. What now? My favorite part, the blame game. Who can we be mad at for not making money?

Let’s start with Big Trader. Criminals. A lot of smarter people than me have explained what they did already so there’s really nothing my dumbass can add to make you understand it. From what I gather rich people rage quit the stock market and flipped the board cause they were losing. Completely stopped trade which no one thinks they can actually do but they just did it anyway. Honestly, kind of whatever with them. We all knew they were crooks and now it’s just out in the open. Let’s move on. 

Steve Coward Cohen. This one felt good. This slimeball bailed out his box suite buddies and spat in the face of us who sit in the bleachers. The speed in which Mets fans went from “Its so refreshing to engage with an owner who understands the fan base” to “what do I care if my owner deleted his Twitter” was astonishing. Uncle Steve was praised for his social media prescence, Mets fans wouldn’t shut the fuck up about. The first, ABSOLUTE FIRST sign of adversity, what does he do? Tucks his tale and runs. This is the guy you want running your franchise? Is this your king? It’s the internet Stevie, she’s a cruel mistress and she doesn’t let you choose how you’re perceived. Ride the highs and roll with the lows, wimp. 

While the aforementioned conspirators are obviously dickheads, no one has shown their true colors more than my college roommate. In college I was a criminal justice major who drank too much, my roommates were engineering majors who studied too much. We were both practicing for our futures. Well my one roommate, we’ll call him Tony, made 280k over this GameStop fiasco. While that might not be a lot of money to everyone, 280k overnight for a 27 year old in my neck of the woods is a fortune. Tony, the man I saw wear the same red sweatsuit with holes in it for four days in a row. The same Tony who dropped out of his pre-med program because he was smoking way too much weed. That guy, 280k. He had no problem giving me the heads up that he had eaten my last pepperoni Hot Pocket in the freezer five years ago. But when it came to him making a potential million dollars? Not.a.fucking.peep! We talk almost everyday in my college group chat. Would a “hey guys I’m looking to make moves in the stock market” have killed him? Apparently. This omission will be reflected heavily in his upcoming wedding gift/card. 
To all the haters out there saying “oh you shouldn’t be trading in the stock market you don’t know what you’re doing” or “what do you care you only put $67 into your Robinhood account”, to that I say fuck you. This is a matter of American principles.

Sneezing With A Mask

The reasoning behind saying “Bless you” when someone sneezes is that it was believed your heart stopped briefly during the sneeze. I remember the first time I sneezed going 70 on the parkway. I was sure I was either going to kill someone for closing my eyes during the sneeze or have a heart attack thinking about having to sneeze. Either way, same result. It’s not like I could hold it? Someone told me once that could give you an aneurysm and I took that as gospel. So sneezing has always been a motherfucker.

And it hasn’t gotten any easier. What the heck am I supposed to do when I need to sneeze while wearing a mask. You know a mask, the thing I wear to do my part in helping to slow down this deadly disease that’s swallowing the globe? That + your body’s natural convulsion method of dispelling everything disgusting in your body. How do I do that? 

The other day I was in a liquor store, a place you would think free of judgement and ridicule. Wrong. I felt the sneeze coming on and I immediately knew it was going to be a big one. You know in those Robert Downey Jr Sherlock Holmes movies when times stops and he goes through every scenario in his head of how his next actions will go? I had one of those, it was transcendent. 

I thought of making a run for it. Could I make it outside to sneeze before it came out? Risky. I always run the gamble of opening the door to sneeze and blasting someone in the face. Plus I’d look like a lunatic if I sprinted outside, have everyone hear me half scream and then walk right back in like nothing happened. Next.

I pictured myself taking the mask off to sneeze into my hand like the olden ways. Couldn’t do it. Makes me too easy of a target to go viral for all the wrong reasons. The mask is there specifically for this reason, bonehead. Someone could walk up to me and call me a super spreader or worse, accuse me of putting their loved ones in danger. While easily the least messy option for me, it was clearly the wrong one. 

That left me with one option. Sneeze right into my mask. Gross. I could tell this sneeze was going to pack a punch. Do I cover my mouth? I could look ridiculous because that’s the mask’s job. But my goodness what if visible spray came through the mask? I’d have to move out of town. I’ll cover my mouth/mask and if anyone questions it I’ll just say I was being double careful. Like the hero I am. This is the right choice. 

“ACHOO!”

Not a single fucking “bless you”. Everyone just looked at me like I was the walking embodiment of the plague. It was a sneeze guys, people still need to sneeze. Nothings wrong with me. I could feel things in my mask, it wasn’t pretty. I sanitized before I went to check out. The cashier girl looked at me the whole time like I had just shit in my diaper. Do you think I want to be in this situation? Ring me up please so I can get the fuck out of here. 

Just because social norms have gone out the window  I don’t think manners should. If you’re in a public place and somebody sneezes please say “bless you” so that person doesn’t think everyone in the room hates them. Remember they’re the hero here. They’re the ones now wearing a booger hammock for the sake of humanity. 

Onlyfans Ruined This Kid’s Life

Onlyfans is awesome. Whatever. No other way to put it. Can you imagine going back in time and explaining this concept to a teenage boy in the 70s. Yeah in 50 years there’s going to be a machine in your pocket where you can see naked pictures of celebrities whenever you want. Sometimes, random hot girls in your town will be on it too. If you’re lucky, some random not-so-hot girls from your high school class will be on it too, which is equally entertaining. Sounds harmless, it’s not. 

My little suburban town was lucky enough to get one of those random not so hot girls on onlyfans. Which might sound harsh, but she wasn’t a very nice person so calling her “not so hot” is the least I can do. I don’t find find her attractive at all.  

Moving on. I’m not sure which pioneer found her account but it spread through the town like wild fire. Good for her, make that money girl. It started out simple enough. Sending your buddy her nudes in the middle of the night just for fun. Having a laugh at feet pics that looked like cross crossed talons. Good ol’ fashioned nudie fun. Then it happened. 

She fucked some kid from our town up the ass with a monster strap-on. 

I could not believe it. I still can’t. Look, I’m a sex positive guy, you like what you like. Have at it.That being said, you have to have the foresight not to put what you’re into on the internet for a measly $6 a month. You can’t do that and not expect your life to change. 

The video itself is... uneasy. Everyone in the video looks uncomfortable and so is everyone who’s watched it. The strap-on used is an absolute WRENCH. She is not shy one bit, just blows his back right out. I have to imagine this isn’t his first time taking one because there’s no way you agree to do your first ever time on video. With that in mind, that thing still did not go in easy. At all. 

The video is mostly pumping with the reciever sucking through gritted teeth. But at 2:32, the madame in the production pulls out a paddle. At first it’s hesitant and jerky slaps to the back. Then something comes over her and WHACK right in the fucking head as hard as she can. You can see in her face that she knows she went overboard the second she did it. It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I might’ve watched it 20 times. It ends as abruptly and awkwardly as it started.

This kid can’t go anywhere without someone suggesting that just maybe he should take everything in the room and shove it up his ass. Can’t hide either. A few weeks ago he went to Facebook to voice his displeasure with the Eagles’ performance against the Seahawks. The first comment, “Yeah the Eagles really took it up the ass this week”. And you know what? Couldn’t have happened to a better person. 

This was the kid in high school who would remind the teacher that she didn’t check the homework knowing damn well that 75% of the class didn’t do it. He was the grown up version of Randall from Recess. As we got older he became a volunteer fireman which in his eyes made him the most morally superior person in the room. He was the kind of volunteer who would wear his radio to the bar even when he was off duty. He’d yell at you for smoking a cigarette right outside the bar. Then he’d run his mouth to people who had 100 pounds on him. That’s how he was known. Now he’s just known as the kid who took a hog up the ass. 

Normally I like to end my blogs on a happy note. A glimmer of hope for my subject. This is a tough one. I wish him the best, I really do. I’d never make fun of him for it. Not to his face I mean, I’m not a monster. However I can’t say the same for my townsfolk. Only thing I got is hopefully his royalty checks make it worth it. But I doubt it. 

Why Do Old People Hate Aliens?

Old people do dumb and annoying things all the time without realizing it. Like answering a groupchat to be polite even though the sender clearly put “Do not respond to this text”. But the dumbest and most frustrating is their disdain for anything alien. My test subject for this opinion is my mom. So, sorry old people but you are all now subject to her opinion. She speaks for all of you. 

When the news dropped that a well respected Israeli space security guard confirmed the existence of aliens and a Galactic Federation it wasn’t a surprise for many of us. The smart ones anyway. When the NY Post picked up the story it was all the ammo us chosen few needed to shove it directly in the face of non-believers. Namely, old people. Which is exactly what I did to my mom. 

When I first told her she laughed and said “Come on you’re old enough now to know aliens don’t exist.” Ok, so maybe I ran with the Santa Claus thing for longer than most, but this is different Mom. So I sat her down and showed her the map of our galaxy, The Milky Way. I explained to her that in our galaxy there is roughly 400 billion planets. Then I showed her that picture from the Hubble Telescope and told her that each one of those little dots are whole galaxies that are just as big, if not bigger than our galaxy. I told her this picture goes on forever and ever and the probability that of all the infinite planets in existence that us having the only intelligent life is pretty much 0. 

My mother, that beautiful soul, stared at me for ten seconds in silence looking like she was going to throw up. After a quick twitch and a smile she said “Did you see the pictures on Facebook of your cousin’s new baby?” 

Not today, you’re going to confront this. 

I held strong in the pocket, bobbing and weaving my way through her feinting questions. I showed her my saved Tik Toks of obvious alien activity, UFOs, etc. Until she finally snapped. “WHY DO YOU WANT THIS SO BAD?!”

Um how the fuck could you not? Mom explained that  she’s afraid that aliens could murder the shit out of everyone including her children and grandbabies, fair I guess. Her other gripe is that it doesn’t bode well on her Catholic faith. 

Ok ok, I can work with this. As far as your faith, Genesis 1:1, literally the first line of the Bible “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” Says right there earth wasn’t the only pit stop. As far as the whole our brains being harvested thing goes, the way I see it there’s only two options. Either aliens will invade and kill everyone OR they’re so advanced past the idea of warfare that they just want to invite us into their avant-garde way of thinking and living. Clearly they’d be more advanced than us and maybe they can even fix grandpa’s Alzheimer’s. 

“Oh that’s a nice thought.” 

She wasn’t ready for that. The idea that we’d be better off with aliens. That’s my blueprint so far for convincing old people that we should be welcoming the aliens with open arms. Feel free to use it with your own tweaks and omissions as you see fit for your own old person. Because we need to get everyone on board, figuratively and literally.