Man, Fuck Earth Day

The title is pretty aggressive so I want to clarify something, I don't hate Earth. I just hate it's day. Earth Day used to be cool when it was just kids picking up trash and planting trees. Now it's a day spent with flooding my Twitter feed with articles yelling at me for things I don't even know I'm doing wrong. 

I'm a good recycler for the most part. I'm not great. Sometimes that tin togo container throws me off. I don't know where that or it's plastic cover goes. But like cans and glass I have on lock. I hate littering. I've been made fun of because I wouldn't let my dirtbag friends throw trash out of my car window. I'm rooting for Earth, it's easily my favorite planet. My thing is, actual scientists who study this stuff have been trying to stop global warming for decades. What the fuck do you think I can bring to the table? If you want change I can't help you, it needs to come from up top. 

If there's Girl Scout cookies in the house I'm going to eat them. I know I'm overweight but that's what I do, cause it's there. That's how I feel about saving the world from global warming. Pretty sure people said cows aren't helping because we're overbreeding them for food. Something about their farts. Ok, well, you haven't taken burgers off the menu so I'm still going to order the Angry Whopper when it comes back. Planes are putting bad things in the sky? Stop offering me travel packages then, and it's not like you'd rather I'd drive there. Cars are bad right? You still sold me a car. I can't not drive. Is this what Elon Musk is pretending to do? Is he on top of this? When his car becomes more affordable I can pitch in that way. 

Easily the worst is when people ask you, "Well don't you care about your children's children's children's children's children?". No I don't. And stop trying to trick me with that question. You don't care either and I'll prove it. You don't know the name of your great great great grandparents. Why? Because nobody gives a shit about family that far removed. Don't worry they also don't know your name because they don't care about you either. 

Your vacation pictures with the Save the Earth captions aren't liberating. You're spreading thirst, not awareness. So, thank you ladies for the bikini pics from St. Lucia but I'd put more energy into saving your globes than our own.

Join The Chinese Cause

I eat way too much Chinese food. If you cut me open I'm pretty sure I just bleed general tso's at this point. I'm working on it. Whether it's consensual or not at the moment isn't of any importance. Yesterday I figured I try to find salvation in some chicken and broccoli with lo mein but was met with damnation. All of the Chinese restaurants within a reasonable distance from my house have been closed until further notice. This has to be racism, and I won't stand for it. 

When this whole thing kicked off, I was cleaning up. The ShopRite in my town has this little Chinese takeout section near their buffet area. I should have seen the writing on the wall when I was buying reheatable combos in bulk at 30% off. The chef would smile at only me every time I walked in. The bread crumbs were there. 

I live about 400 yards from a Chinese takeout restaurant. I measure everything in estimated football metrics. I saw my boy, Bin, stapling flyers to telephone poles advertising that his restaurant is still open for takeout. I think that's how you spell his name? Holy shit is his name Ben?! I've known him for like fifteen years. Well, Bin struck up a conversation with me explaining that his family's restaurant isn't doing too hot. I was heartbroken and apologized but told him it's not like I can order Chinese every single night. He said "You're already pretty close." Touche Ben. Something needs to be done. 

Was China there for us in the beginning of this mess? No, but that doesn't mean we need to take it out on their food. This is my PSA to save your local Chinese joints. I'm aware that technically this whole shebang might have been started by Chinese food, but not really. Have you ever had an Italian sub in Italy, French Fries in France? Have you ever been baked in Alaska? It's just different on our home turf. We've bastardized these menus to fit our grotesque American pallets. We need to save OUR Chinese food. Not China's Chinese food. These small businesses are operated by our people and they deserve our support. Give me your tired, your poor, your delicious ethnic dishes. 

Most Famous Unboxings In History

Throughout human history, people have been fascinated with the contents of boxes. Where did they come from? What's inside them? The possibilities are endless. With an unboxing, a box ceases to be a box, and becomes an opportunity. How many amazing boxes are there that remained unopened? I don't know, but here are the most famous unboxings that we know of. 

8. Se7en 

"WHAT'S IN THE FUCKING BOX?!" You've probably seen that memed out before. But do you know what was inside the box? It was Brad Pitt's dead pregnant wife's head. Kevin Spacey did it, cause like, no duh. Spacey's a weirdo. 

7. Houdini

Prominent Hungarian magician, Harry Houdini, became famous for putting himself in boxes. In 1912 he had police handcuff him, shackle his ankles, put him in a box and lower it into the East River. When the box resurfaced the only thing inside was Houdini's manacles. He survived that of course. He didn't survive getting punched in the stomach by a frat bro though. 

6. Roddy Rich

In late February 2020, rapper Roddy Rich busted all the bales out the box. He then hit a lick with the box. When all was said and done, Roddy Rich had to put the stick in the box. Astonishing. 

5. King Tut

The two most British names of all time Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon are credited with discovering King Tut. They searched Egypt's Valley of King's for the young pharaoh's final resting place for fifteen years before finally unboxing him in 1922. Excavati- I mean, unboxing revealed the first Egyptian royal to be untouched in nearly 3,000 years. Tut's mummified body was buried with about 150 pieces of gold. His murder autopsy was global news. The unboxer, Lord Carnarvon, died shortly after the sarcophagus was opened. Bet you thought Brendan Fraser was making all that shit up.  

4. Chaz Bono

Chaz Bono is the son of Sonny Bono and Cher. You know, I got you babe, those ones. Chaz, born Chastity Bono, originally identified as a lesbian when first outed by tabloids in the 90's. Between 2008 and 2010 Chastity unboxed and became Chaz. Bono's unboxing got a feature on Entertainment Tonight, Oprah, and it's own Sundance film. Chaz helped destroy the Hollywood taboo and paved the way for the transgender community living in the limelight. 

3. 2001 Anthrax Attacks

Not a happy one, but still very much famous. Sorry I don't make the rules. Anthrax is a gross disease that eats your skin off. This lunatic Bruce Ivins was mailing anthrax to be unboxed in major media and senator's offices. It sent the nation into a frenzy when two people died and seventeen were infected. Ivins would send the anthrax through the mail in white powder form with letters that said things like "Death to America". He was a microbiologist, vaccinologist, and biodefense researcher for the US Army Research Institute of Infectious Diseases. Ivins was basically evil Fauci. He's dead now though. Overdosed when he felt the heat coming on. 

2. Dave Portnoy

During the 2020 Covid Pandemic, millionaire founder of Barstool Sports, Dave Portnoy, started doing his beloved pizza reviews from home. In a big oopsie, his home address was leaked during one of his videos. Portnoy could've been murdered. Instead, he was boxed to death. Dave was able to convince thousands upon thousands of people to send him free shit. A stroke of genius really. The senders big pay off? Dave unboxes what they send him live. It's hilarious, it's weird, it's dangerous, and it's going to end up charitable since the philanthropist announced he will be donating the items he's received for Coronavirus relief. 

1. Jesus Of Nazareth 

When that big ass rock was rolled away and Jesus' tomb was unboxed, everybody was all "No fucking way". Jesus' unboxing is so famous that people still gather on Sundays 2,000 years later to talk about it like, "You remember that shit Jesus did?". We paint eggs and eat candy because of his unboxing. What year is it? Oh 2020? That's right it's been 2,020 years since the Jesus of Nazareth's unboxing. Iconic. 

  

Is Kim Jong Un Brain Dead?

News is flooding in from the blue check marks that Kim Jong Un is possibly brain dead due to complications from heart surgery. If it's from Covid, China's going to be in a world of shit. That's all the politics I'm going to speak on the situation because I don't know shit. I'm not quite sure what to say here. I don't think T's and P's are appropriate but I don't want to speak out against him either and wind up with acid face. He may look like he has the hair of a Tik Tok boy but this man is up to date on his shitlist. I don't plan on ending up on that list if Kimmy's pulling the ol switcheroo just to see who would talk shit. I've said "shit" so many times that I'm starting to resemble Jim Lahey. 

Besides worrying about the fallout for who would rule North Korea, the two I'm immediately worried for is that surgeon and Dennis Rodman. If the reports are true, that surgeon is the most dead person in the history of dead people. There will be songs written about his execution. Poor Rodman. This was supposed to be a happy time for him with his name back in the limelight for the Jordan documentary. I imagine he won't even be able to enjoy The Last Dance while his best friend is possibly turning into a vegetable. Honest thoughts and prayers to Dennis Rodman and the good doctor. 

Hold your breath folks because the world is about to get even worse with conflict. Or better? I don't know the inner workings of international politics but I have a feeling shit's about to get weird. 

The Perfect First Date

So you've been hitting the dating apps since you've been holed up. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, whatever tickles your fancy. Hopefully, you've tricked the opposite sex into thinking that you're actually interesting. Don't try and play dumb; you lied on your professional resume, I can only imagine what your dating profile looks like. When we break our lockdown chains, how are you going to close the deal? Dinner and a movie just doesn't cut it anymore. She can get fifty matches a day on those apps if she wants. How are you going to stand out? An Escape Room, that's how. Stick with me.

If you've ever been to an Escape Room you know how frustrating things can get trying to figure your way out of the room. Most likely, the first time you went was with someone who has done a room before. Nobody goes into these things without a teammate with some experience, that would just be weird. If you've been in an Escape Room with a group of mixed genders, then you know that one Escape veteran asshole who's better at solving the puzzles than everybody else. All the women want to mate with that guy, it's something primal.

Here's where you enact the plan. You suggest to your date that you go to an Escape Room for your first date. How unique, you cheeky bastard. Little does she know, you did the room last week alone with unlimited hints. You have the blueprint to get you and your damsel out of that damn room. Try and let her solve half of it or at least suggest things until a lightbulb goes off. If you're a good liar, you'll be her hero.

Like I said earlier it's something primal. Alpha even. With all these quarantine and end of the world vibes floating around, she'll think you're a natural protector and problem solver. You aren't of course, and odds are in an actual apocalypse you'd get both of you killed. But hey the world hasn't ended yet, has it?

Things To Get Mad At To Brighten Up Your Day

I like being angry, I can't help that. I'm not in a good mood unless I'm in a bad mood. I don't even know if that makes sense but I'm sticking to it. I think there's other people like me, so I've compiled a couple of things that pissed me off today. I hope there's other people like me? Oh, and I call mental health! Now you can't say "angry white male privilege" after reading this. Nana nana poo poo this is my therapy. Sorry, beat ya to it. 

Positive Instagram Story Person. 

This could be a number of people- pyramid scheme employee, personal trainer, or in my case, girl from college trying to start a life coach company. At least I think that's what she's trying to do. I want to be clear about something. This isn't just a nice person trying to drop a little positivity in your otherwise gloomy world. I'm talking about the people who only post annoyingly chipper tips on how to better your life. It isn't the positivity that bothers me either. It's the fact that they think they're going to get rich or famous off this. Stop lecturing me on how to be the best version of my self. You're unemployed making filtered videos from your parents' basement, worry about your own time management. Don't tell me you started a company either, you can't just declare company. Still, I watch. Just waiting for the day she realizes her dreams aren't going to cut it and posts an Instagram Live worth watching. 

Twitter Accounts Trying To Stay Relevant

We see this with ESPN accounts a lot. That Steve Buscemi GIF with the backwards hat and skateboard really fucked things up for a lot of people. Today's victim is none other than Darren Rovell. Our buddy Darren posted a picture of a Baskin Robbins sign that read NO RELATION TO CAROLE BASKIN, with the caption "Sign Of The Day". It wasn't even his joke, he was just acknowledging it. Still drove me up a wall. There's just something about picturing a business person in a suit trying to Tweet something they believe the youngsters will get a kick out of. 

F&R Auto

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7f8Siw28PGw

If you're too lazy to watch the video, I'll catch you up. A pizza delivery guy gets yelled at for mistaking extra money as his tip. What it sounds like is the pizza was $48 and they gave him $55. With the extra bill in the payment, the driver assumed they didn't want change and mistook the excess money as his tip. Well that wasn't flying with F&R Auto who called the establishment to complain about their delivery. Our protagonist, delivery guy, returns to the auto shop only to be berated by the employees. He basically says fuck your $7 I don't need it, and gives them back their petty cash. The F&R shitheads start threatening his job, one calls his restaurant to tattletale, and a female employee says she's going to shove her foot up his ass. Over seven dollars. This one actually has a happy ending. F&R, the big dumb dumbs, post their footage of the encounter thinking they were going to shame the pizza Robin Hood. F&R got Yelped to death and is now closed. The delivery guy, Jarrid Tinsey, made a shit ton of dough (get it?) from a GoFundMe somebody set up for him. He was flooded in $7 donations.    

See, I feel a lot better now. So much so that I'll even say something nice. I'm rooting for Positive Instagram Girl. I can relate to chasing your dream while only getting your message across to a handful of of people. We may be contrary forces but we're both fighting for the same prize. In a weird way, her post worked. She was my initial motivation for this blog. 

Do You Know What Would Be A Baller Move?

People are being furloughed left and right. The country is in a panic, and rightfully so. The companies that the people have put their heart and soul into have abandoned them in their hour of need. The working class has lost all trust in the executives of the world. Do you know what would cement a company as the public's beacon of hope? Hiring someone right now. 

Whoever hires right now is just a straight up baller. While the rest of the competition is trembling, you're making moves and betting on your future. It'd be a declaration that you aren't going anywhere. Last night I saw a Domino's commercial detailing how they're doing their part in creating jobs by hiring during the Covid pandemic. Do you know who's still doing alright? Domino's. Do you know what I ordered for dinner last night? Domino's. 

Now that I think of it, what would be a better hire than one of the people working on the frontline right now? What a heartwarming story. I could see the headlines now "Sports Company Makes The Dreams Come True For One Lucky Frontliner". Said frontliner could probably even swing both jobs until all of this is over. Man, that would be some good press, "Sports Blogger Doubles As Local Hero During Our Nation's Crisis". Damn, that would be such a baller move if a company did that. Sleep on it. Slide into the direct messages if anything has been up to par, Carpe DMs.