Is The Gay Community The Best Equipped For A Lockdown?

In my professional opinion, the gays are the most well equipped for a nationwide lockdown. Bunker people don't count, they're aliens. Full disclosure, I am not gay. I love gay people, think they're hilarious. I dig their tune but I don't march to the beat of their drum. It's possible that I'm using my gay college roommate to make blanket statements on the community as a whole, but what did you expect? I'm a straight white male, it's kind of our thing. In this blog, I may cross lines that I don't even know I'm crossing. I'm going to try and keep my stereotypes completely complimentary. Also, I must warn you, I have a couple of gay friends so good luck trying to trip me up for this. Plus I'm listening to David Bowie while writing, so anything rude I might say is just a wash at this point. Besides, anyone who is offended by this blog probably isn't gay. In the words of the late great Ralphie May, if you can take a dick you can take a joke. 

Let's begin with the evidence. Gay people always have the house stocked the fuck up. Each pantry and cabinet is like a mini Whole Foods. Everything is so neat, organized, and labeled. Food, toiletries, and skin care were already at doomsday level inventory before the virus was ever discovered. I don't know if there is secret gay cooking classes or if they are just born at amateur chef level but damn can they chop it up. It's not just one thing either. They can make all different types of deliciously strange and ethnic dishes. One time I woke up from a mean hangover with gay buddy at the door, he'd been up for three hours already, he goes "Get up bitch I made frittatas". I go "What the fuck are frittatas." I was called an uncultured swine as I woofed it down my gullet, delicious. I finally asked him, "How do you know how to make all this shit, you're a manger at a Sherwin Williams?" He answered a question with a question, "First of all, this isn't 'shit'. Second of all, wouldn't you like to know bitch ass?"

It is very hard to get bored with a gay person. One, they're fucking hilarious and two, they love to entertain. You ever been to a gay person's house? They break out all sorts of card games and party favors on like a Tuesday night. It's around the clock bachelorette party. Gay's sense of humor can not be stressed enough. A lot of their jokes are self-deprecating which I can appreciate, and relate to. It's a wonder how their skin can be so smooth and hairless but at the same time so thick. I guess they had to have to thick skin, they've had hate throw at them most of their lives. Thick skin around friends of course, you can't just walk up and act like an asshole like 'oooh come on they have thick skin'. For example one time we were eating at a Chick-Fil-A in the middle of their We-Hate-Gays campaign. I looked at my gay friend and sarcastically said "Look, if you're uncomfortable eating here we can go someplace else." He looked me dead in the eyes, lips puckered, bobblehead engaged, sass rising and goes "I've had less dicks in my mouth than I have chicken sandwiches. So call Ellen if you need to, I don't give a fuck." Hysterical. You have to be careful what you say sometimes though. As thick as their skin is, they will disembowel you with the meanest comebacks you have ever heard in your life. Pun absolutely intended. 

Bonus paragraph on the funny point. Gay people are easily scared and it makes for unlimited entertainment. Enjoy at your own risk and don't be afraid to catch a nail across the forehead. You ever see that gay dude scream and almost drop his croissant? If you need a good laugh Google 'Ahh I could've dropped my croissant!" and 'Jackson and Nick scare'. Now the videos don't necessarily say they're gay, but I mean, I'm pretty sure. 

Gay people love fucking. Shocking, I know. Gay couples living in quarantine are probably getting after it though. They have a certain way of flaunting their sexual chemistry that makes us heteros wonder why we hate our partners so much. I wouldn't put it past em to throw on some Ricky Martin, sweat it up, and bump and grind right there in the living room. If I tried that on the ex she'd probably file for a TRO. I'd be shocked to learn that a gay man isn't getting a little ass one night just because he didn't do the dishes. What's stopping them? They may have to worry about the opinion of the Catholic Church, but they don't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant. 

Final point, gay people are fucking gangsters. Gentrification, ever heard of it? They'll walk right into the hood, throw a cafe and organic food store on every corner and be like this is my block now. What the fuck?! You think these people are scared of you? They've been persecuted for generations! If shit hits the fan, I'd hope someone had the balls to try and rob my roommate. They'd be across state lines before he even finished "AWW HEEELL NO". This generation of gays do not play. They were birthed by their equal rights marching predecessors, that's why they love parades so much. 

FaceTime your gay friends. Try not to get jealous of their quarantinis, because they may just save your life during these troubling months ahead.    

My List Of Top 7 Things Bothering Me During Quaratine

If I may, this picture is hilarious. Google gives you the funniest shit sometimes. The picture is from some Georgia news article which means some fifty year old man probably made this with a chef's kiss like, "Ah this will strike fear in the hearts of the public". Fucking 1993 48 Hours ass picture. I apologize for my cabin fever making me roast everything, but it's what brings me to this blog today. I haven't had a cigarette in three years, but maybe I should start up again to curb my attitude. Here's my list of top 7 things bothering me right now. There's definitely more than that but that's the most I could think up in twenty minutes. I've been trying to write something since noon so I only gave myself twenty more minutes until writing something, afraid that I might sabotage myself again and write nothing. I'm just rambling now, maybe I should've put rambling on the list.  

7. Pushups 

Coming in at number seven because I think it only started today. Seeing people shove fitness in my face because they're 'determined enough' to exercise during a lockdown makes me hungry. I get it, you think you're better than me. It just hit my friend group this afternoon and I warned my group chat that the person who tags me in one of those is done for. Not only will I not partake, I'm going out to the front porch and sneezing in the direction of their house. What the fuck are people thinking? They made John Daly do that shit during a virus scare that targets senior citizens and respiratory systems. Yeah, take the breath away from the guy who's woke up with a cigarette in his mouth for the last thirty six years. Idiots. 

6. Student Loan Payments

New graduates tend to start off on an hourly wage. How are you getting paid if your job is shut down? Not their problem. Pay this man his money (Malkovich voice, obviously). Now this doesn't pertain to me personally because I'll still be going to work during the quarantine/lockdown, whatever you want to call it, but still. It would've been nice for the government to dish out a stack a month to offset that payment, but Dick and Harry can't play nice in Washington. Who would've thought?

5. Lists/Rankings/Brackets

There's just too many, find a new gimmick. It was cute at first with it being March and all, I get it, but now it just comes off as lazy and unoriginal. Who in their right mind would add another list to that pile of garbage right now? I don't care about your rankings of athletes I can't watch. The masses of Netflix/Hulu/FuckyFuck lists are all the same. Why does it matter who wins the bracket of TV/movie character most likely to save the world right now. It's so obviously that dude from the Da Vinci Code, it's not even close. Coronavirus pandemic is literally the plot of one of Dan Brown's books with that guy. Get a grip. 

4. Not Getting Enough Recognition For Washing My Hands For 20 Seconds

I was made to believe that I was saving the world one wash at a time. Captain Planet who? Most of the time I washed my hands it was just to run the water over them for a millisecond on the off chance somebody asked me, "Did you wash your hands?", so I could say "No shit, what do you think I'm some sort of animal?". I am now the Wayne Gretzky of washing hands. About to eat? WHAM, washed. Finished with the bathroom? BAM, washed. Sneezing/coughing, doing dishes, brushing my teeth, going outside, back inside, anywhere remotely close to a sink? WHAM, BAM, WHAM, BAM, WHAM, BAM. Washed, washed, washed, washed, washed, aaaand washed. My rapid turnaround for the goodness of mankind should have a Spielberg movie made in it's honor. Palms should be lain beneath my feet. What have I gotten? Crickets. 

3. Debating With Myself 

I'm very good at arguing and I'm driving my opponent insane. Here are the two biggest debates so far: Frozen 2 was granted an early release to stream on Disney+. Normally, I'm all caught up on the new animated movies, helping watch my three nieces a couple of times a week. Especially Frozen, they love that shit. With my job and exposure to the public, I will most likely not be able to see the little rugrats for a couple of months. Without them, and the boys not coming over mid-pandemic to ironically watch a cartoon princess movie with me, can I make the conscious decision as an almost twenty seven year old man to watch Frozen 2 alone on my couch? Debate still open. 

The other internal argument was on drinking. I proposed to my brother that we drink tonight. I plead for us to throw on Madden simulations with actual point spreads, letting him choose whichever team he wanted, while boozing it up. I was denied. Something about it being 'his beer'. Too bad he hasn't been home all day. So am I allowed to drink by myself? On the one hand he'd probably get mad at me for drinking his beer, I haven't drank in three weeks and will probably get hammered, and my dad will definitely come downstairs to call me a drunk. On the other hand, I haven't been drunk in three weeks, I can get hammered, and free beer. What am I going to do with myself?

2. ESPN The Ocho 

Biggest sham of all time. Don't piss on my back and tell me it's raining. Don't shove marbles in my face and tell me it's sports. I can't bet on it, I have no one to root for, I have no one to root against. I have no skin in the game. I wish I could say I'm surprised by the positive feedback ESPN received for the Ocho, but I'm not. This is like when Instagram models pose with pizza and then throw it out after the photo's been taken. You're only saying you like it because you think other people like it. I don't give a shit about belly flops, marble racing, or slippery stair racing? Ok, maybe the dodgeball with the jugglers was pretty dope, but other than that? Trash. 

1. My Dad's Whistling

Very relatable. My dad hasn't stopped whistling in five days. I never thought he'd have the pipes for it, but here we are. If I tried to explain the volume level of it you wouldn't believe me. The thing is, he only does it while he's cleaning or fixing something around the house. It's done on purpose to constantly remind me that he's the almighty productive one, and that I finished Love Is Blind and Tiger King in a forty eight hour span while just collecting weight. Today I googled how to connect my Airpods to my Xbox because I could hear the whistling one floor up, through my door, and over my TV. The worst part is, he's a really good whistler. He hits different notes and pitches, and it's always clear what song he's listening to. It only makes me want to smother him that much more in the pile of shoes he's created while cleaning out the shoe closet. 

I need to take a breath and cool down. Sorry Dad. Off to my brother's room to steal a Newport short. 

Social Media Personified During Quarantine

We are that picture of a snake eating it's own tail. Constantly opening and closing different social media outlets to pass the time. We need to keep up with the things that interest us the most, things we follow. We don't have worries like a toilet paper shortage? It's still ass eating season, hop back on your phone. I miss going out and being amongst the public. I'm the Ariel of quarantine, I want moore. I want to be, where the people are. So after closing twitter for the eleventh time today, I started to imagine my social media apps as stores that I'm visiting. 

Twitter: "What's up man, welcome back. That didn't take long lol."

Me: "Whatever. What do you have for me?"

T: "Can I interest you with how poorly Donald Trump is handling the Coronavirus?"

M: "No."

T: "Alright, how about how well President Trump is handling the China virus?"

M: "No."

T: "Cool cool cool. I got one for you. People are roasting Dark Phoenix right now! That's fun right?

M: "Never seen it."

T: "That matters? Literally everyone is destroying it as we speak. Let off some steam big guy, it's a free jab."

M: "Hardly seems appropriate."

T: "Hmmm you're a tough one to crack. Oh! Sports! You love sports! How about some old clips of really cool highlights?"

M: "Yeah actually that sounds pretty nice."

T: "I knew it, enjoy. While you're at it, here is all the professional journalists opinion on when that sport is projected to start up again!"

M: "Now why would you... on second thought, I'm out of here."

T: WAIT WAIT WAIT TAYLOR SWIFT AND KIM KARDASHIAN JUST..."

Instagram: "Hello again, welcome to Instagram." 

Me: "I don't know what pictures are going to do for me right now, but let's give it a shot."

I: "The amount of memes coming in right now is staggering. They're so funny. Like so so funny. Here take a look."

M: "No thanks. It's kind of like you've seen one, you've seen them all type of thing for me. It's really just the same joke regurgitated."

I: "Shit. We really thought you were here for the memes. Give me a minute. We're going to have to keep going for awhile. Just looking for something more suited to what you're in the mood for. Ah, here we are. Tik Toks!"

M: "Couldn't I just go to Tik Tok for that?"

I: "I mean, yeah, but you're already here right?" 

M: "What else you got?"

I: "Parents have actually been with their kids recently. You should see all the stupid shit kids do. Hilarious."

M: "Yeah, ok. Let me get that."

I: "....... Seems like you're getting a kick out of those kid videos. Told you it was funny stuff. When you're done with that, you're not going to believe what LeBron said on Instagram Live today. Bleacher Report and House of Highlights are all over it."

I: "Hello? You there?"

Snapchat: "Whattup. We got a bunch of dogs."

Me: "Finally, someone with some sense around here." 

S: "....Alright thats all the dogs we got. That chick from your Stats class four years ago is trying to cook again. Wanna see that?"

M: "No."

S: "You sure?"

M: "Ok maybe just a peak."

S: "...How was it? You want to see more people cooking? We've got tons of it."

M: "I've seen enough cooking."

S: "People are drinking with their parents."

M: "Is it funny?"

S: "Not really." 

M: "Anything else Snapchat?"

S: "Yeah you know what Mr. Attitude, there are actually people working out. Remember fitness?"

M: "Fuck you."

S: "Do you want to watch people watching movies?"

M: "Why would I want to do that?"

S: "I don't know."

M: "So..."

S: "So that's actually the end of your friends list. However, we do have these sweet 'Swipe Shows' that people seem to really..."

Tik Tok: "Sup." 

Me: "Sup?"

TT: "We've actually already tailored our content based on what everyone likes. You'll like it around here. So take a scroll and start vibin."

M: "Can you stop dancing?"

TT: "I don't think so." 

M: "Please try."

TT: "Do you want me to talk in a female anime voice instead?" 

M: "What? No?"

TT: "Fine. Here's some nurses dancing and explaining proper hygiene practices."

M: "I know how to wash my hands, thank you."

TT: "Would you rather see a hamster do it?"

M: "No?"

TT: "......."

M: "Is that a bunch of kids butt chugging off each other on spring break?"

TT: "! Learn the facts about COVID-19"

M: "What the fuck was that?"

TT: "I don't know. Here watch this girl dance!"

M: "Dude, how old is she?"

TT: "You right, watch this one dance!"

M: "Is that one even younger?"

TT: "Not sure. This dance doe..."

Facebook: "What're you doing here?!" 

Me: "No idea."

F: "Isn't there rioting in the streets?"

M: "Not last I checked."

F: "I don't know about that. You should really take a look at your Community Page."

M: "I'd rather not."

F: "You need to be educating yourself on Covid-19. We're all affected by this. I mean, have you even seen your aunt's Day 7 Quarantine picture?"

M: "Nope, and I don't plan on it eith..."

F: "Here ya go."

M: "Oh what the fuck."

F: "Meme."

M: "What?"

F: "Nothing. Why don't you watch this video of Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, CEO and controlling shareholder of Facebook speaking with Dr. Fauci on the the severity of the Coronavirus?"

M: "No chance."

F: "Put your hand down! Stop touching your face!"

M: "Wait, how did you..."

F: "What... oh.. haha.. nothing. How about pictures of your mature childhood friends playing with their children in their backyard?"

M: "I just ate discounted Chinese food on my bed. I'd rather not see how my 'mature' friends are doing."

F: "Ok why don't you watch....I mean, how bout this sick vid of The Zuck kickin' it with Doc Fauc, spittin' facts on the Rona?"

M: "Oh fuck off."

Tinder: "Welcome to Tinder. We have great news!"

Me: "What is it?"

TD: "Matches are up 63% in your area! WOO!"

M: "Yeah I guess that makes sense. Everyone cooped up in the house, getting lonely."

TD: "Totally, totally. Unfortunately you have no new likes. Actually it says here that you have no likes at all?"

M: "Thanks for that."

TD: "Not to worry! We here at Tinder believe if you open up with a cheeky quarantine joke, you can increase your chances by 40% of not being so lonely and miserable! WOO!"

M:  "Not really my style."

TD: "What are you waiting for? Try it! WOO!"

M: "Can you stop doing that?"

TD: "Doing what?!"

M: "Forget it, I'm out of here."

TD: "WAIT for only $50 a month, we'll help you boost your profile to increase your chances on finding true love! WOO!"

Me: "I give it up."

PH: "Hi baby! We missed you, welcome back to PornHub!"

We Suck At Growing Up

We had this dude Geoffrey telling us every other Nickelodeon commercial not to grow up cause we're Toys R Us kids, and we listened. I don't have any legal qualifications to psychoanalyze a whole generation but I have watched a lot of shows with psychologists so I feel pretty confident in my theory. We suck at growing up. 

The royal we, as a generation, are addicted to things that make us feel like children. Don't believe me? Lets take a look at some movies. Cinderella was made in 1950, Dumbo in 1941. Cinderella's 2015 remake made 542.4 million, and the 2019 Dumbo made 353.3 mil. The Aladdin cartoon came out in 1992 and Lion King, 1994. Their 2019 live action remakes made 1.051 billion and 1.657 billion respectively. We all went to the 90's movies to get that little bit of kid-magic back. 

There's a sense of security in replicating our feelings from when we were children. Much like me, with my adult pacifier. I Juul constantly and I can't stop. I now pay fifty dollars for two packs of mint pods at a sketchy gas station because I didn't want to get rid of my binky. It doesn't matter if my chest randomly feels like someone is wringing out the inside, it comforts me and I'm keeping it. 

Millennials find ourselves at a strange crossroads. Sometimes us giant babies are put into adult situations based solely on being in our 'twenties' and 'thirties'. Completely unfair. I have to do my taxes now? Our family friend has always done our taxes since forever. He almost died this year and I asked some of the grown ups how I should approach possibly having to do my taxes. Apparently telling the government that "My neighbor from three decades and two houses ago who handled all of this, is now dead and I'll get you guys next year", won't cut it. I'll tell you what, making fun of me for not knowing how to do taxes doesn't help. Seriously what kind of nerd would I be to be like, I think today in my free time I'll research on what are/ how do I do my taxes. I'd be stuck in a Tik Tok rabbit hole after the first seven minutes. Thank God John made a miraculous recovery. 

Some of us are even having children of our own. Mostly by accident. Your friends having kids is weird because it forces you to realize that you guys aren't on the lowest rung of the chopping block anymore. It's even more weird when he puts the toddler down for bed and then we call his parents to see how long they'll be out to make sure we can smoke weed in their backyard, just like we did when we were seventeen. Is that us acting immature? Or is it us maturing, realizing that our parents probably weren't being canonized when we went down for a snooze? Verdict is still out, but better him than me. 

Why are we all trapped in this perpetual stage of adolescence? Could it be that our adulthood was birthed by a massive amount of debt, causing us to prolong the reliance on our parents? Who knows? My student loan payment being triple the amount of my parents' first mortgage sure makes it pretty tough to move out. "Well you didn't have to go to coll.." shut the fuck up we all go to college. You guys made it that way when you structured a little thing called the hiring process. What do I know though? Older generations love saying we were never toughened by tragedy, well maybe we're about to find out. We'll be alright I think, we're ready to be all growed up. Maybe?

EDIT: Turns out we're probably not going to alright. Our research on slowing down the maturation process isn't working out so well. We took a big hit yesterday with the leaking of the news interview of spring breakers, adamantly protesting the quarantine despite the deadly ripple effect that can stem from them being a bunch of booze hounds. We, the Millennial Delegation, are now looking to fill the vacant position of Head of PR during these troubling times. Probably going to need a Head of HR too. Stay home you fucking idiots.    

If Coronavirus Doesn't Get Me, My Lack Of Survival Skills Might

Nobody is more happy than bunker people right now. Sipping on years old water, and thrashing around their mole holes blasting heavy metal with two middle fingers up. I don't know, they're weirdos, I just imagine they all listen to heavy metal. I always assumed that I could survive a zombie apocalypse on brute bravery alone. I know how to shoot pistols, assault riffles, and shotguns and pictured myself as a defensive militia leader. That's what I was bringing to the table. This apocalypse sucks. I can physically fight zombies and rival communes, I can't fight a virus. I can be the hunter, but my gathering skills stink.

Right now it's just my twenty three year old brother and I alone in our childhood home. My sister left years ago to start a new family and my mom left seven months ago to get away from her old one. I'm kidding, if she read that sentence it would make her cry for weeks. But really, she did leave. My father, not the most 'big picture' guy, literally just fucked off to Punta Cana on 24 hours notice last Sunday and we don't know if he's ever coming back. So how are me and baby bro preparing for the end of the world? He's playing Call of Duty and I'm smoking mint Juul pods and writing blogs. 

Neither of us know how to cook so we aren't big fans of the whole grocery thing. I went two days ago and bought three precooked meals for $36 and said this is bullshit I'm not ever doing that again. Plus I already ate one of the meals so not my best fallback plan. We've been keeping a close eye on the restaurant, drive-thru, and delivery news. So far, we're in the clear but nerves are very high. We're going to have to ration out the six microwaveable Benihana dinners if push comes to shove. 

After the initial inventory check, heres what we got: nine rolls of toilet paper, two rolls of paper towels, seventeen paper plates, a case and a half of Arnold Palmer cans, a case of Poland Spring, six microwaveable dinners, two precooked dinners, four boxes of tissues (two opened), three bottles of hand soap,twenty one batteries (don't know how we fucked that one up), two bottles of Axe bodywash, a family size bottle of shampoo, and a twelve ounce bottle of hand sanitizer to ride out the storm. 

That's just what was there. We're rolling the dice and not going shopping because it looks miserable. I guess I shouldn't say we didn't shop at all. When we heard PA closed their liquor stores we went out and grabbed two thirties of Bud Light and two sixers of BLP's. Also, I might have went out and grabbed two Juul mint packs from my plug, Haji. Other than that, no shopping.

Hopefully this all blows over soon. My dad comes home, our mother still loves us enough to smuggle some groceries, and sports come back on. If not, here's to hoping the coronavirus starts making zombies so I can get back in the game. 

My Live Fantasy Baseball Draft During Coronvirus

My live fantasy baseball draft was Friday night when we were just starting to realize the "oh shit" factor of Coronavirus. The NBA was suspended the night before, but that morning of I still wasn't sure if I was going to the Big East tournament or not. So we weren't in full social distancing mode yet. My co-owner cousin and I went to the local VFW where the draft was being held, grabbed a bucket of Millers and table that was the furthest away from everyone. 

I don't like this league very much. It's a spite league for me. The first year I joined was just to help my cousin split the cost of the team. We're the two youngest people in the league. It's a strange mix of guys. There's mostly old guys, one washed up Jersey fist pumper, a biggon with the highest pitched voice I ever heard in my life, couple of nice dorky dudes, and a Floridian who videos in every year tripling our draft duration. They look like a last place Church league softball team. They make jokes for the entirety of the five hour draft and none of them are funny. It's a lot of fake laughing with head nods. My first draft with these guys, they explained to me that I'm not going to really get the scoring at first because they've been doing this almost decade. "Hahaha how old are you? Don't worry you'll catch on if you stick with it". I torched that fucking league. Second draft there was a lot of beginner's luck and fluke jokes. Second year my team led the whole season in points and lost in the chip from a couple of bad timed injuries. Of course, this draft was the year they decided to respect me as their conquerer, and not let me do my draft in peace. 

I never received a handshake from these guys, which was fine. I preferred it that way. I wanted to drink with my cousin and chat some baseball. It was always a nice night for us. This year however, I was greeted by each individual owner. The commissioner came up first, elbow out, with a "Haha we're doing elbows this year". I had to stand up and reach across the table to touch elbows with this grown man or else he would have left his elbow there for probably forever. Totally humiliating. I don't know if the draft would have started if I didn't high elbow this guy. Every owner came over to make me chicken wing across my table in the middle of a pandemic. Threw my whole steeze off. 

Normally I would walk up to the board and put the little name sticker on it with my chest out, and stare down every dude on my way back to my wobbly table. Like, "Go ahead. Say somethin about that pick ya jamokes". This year I lost my fire. Every single draft I had done with them, no one wanted to talk to to me after the first five minutes of niceites. Now the year where my health depended on that, I couldn't shake these dudes. Owners were coming up to me after their picks each round with "What do you think of that pick? I might've reached but I don't think he would have been there next time around". Or "Haha you were looking at that guy weren't you? Totally stole him from you haha". Gleaking, coughing, sniffling, and asking questions. There was no where to run. 

I tried to find solace in the bathroom and that turned out to be a nightmare. It's a VFW with wood paneling walls that looks like it hasn't been renovated since the 70's. How big do you think the bathroom was? I was approached at the sink for some scuttlebutt, while trying not to get hit by the stall door that swings into my direction. I've been washing my hands better since the panic, as in I've actually been doing it, but come on, twenty five seconds is an eternity. I was about to quick wash and bounce, when I was asked while soaping up why I drafted Moncada in the eighth when I already had Bregman, Trevor Story, and Javy Baez. Afraid of the backlash of my would-have-been twelve second wash, I got baited into washing my hands for like a minute while trying to find a nice way to say to this guy, how the fuck do you let Moncada fall to the eighth round. I got smacked by the stall door, "Haha sorry buddy, little tight in here am I right?"

In hour three I went outside for a cigarette break. There's normally about twenty minutes in between my picks so I thought I'd get away from every one for a bit. Immediately, I was followed by spreadsheet guy who reached around my body to open the door for me. After my thanks, I left the standing ash tray and walked down to the street to smoke, hoping he'd get the hint. He did not. This guy was two feet from me and offered to light me, but I told him I had my own lighter. I shit you not, this guy took out a single rubber glove to put on his smoking hand so he wouldn't touch his face while smoking his cigarette. C'mon man, boagies have way more bodies on them than Rona does, have some sense of irony. Not to mention the door handle you touched to get out here and being close enough to give me a smooch. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. 

I thought about snorting the pepper on my table and having a sneezing fit, but I decided to be the bigger man. Plus, those bastards probably wouldn't have even said bless you. By chance I had unknowingly scratched a scab on my leg. I had an itch and forgot there was a cut there from a scratch I got wrestling with my pups. My grossness was pointed out by another league member that I should clean up the dried blood streak that ran from the middle of my calf down to my sock. From then on, I was avoided like the plague and crushed the back nine of the draft. 

All in all I had a terrible draft. I should have taken Carlos Santana over Moncada who will now be riding my bench. My pitching is weak and should've went Verlander in the second instead of Story with all the shortstop depth. Plus I let a guy get Aaron Judge in the sixth round, in a world where he'll probably be ready to go by Opening Day. Draft grade: C-

At Your Age Now, What Is The Latest Age You Could Beat Steph Curry?

Ok so the title sucks but it's late and I don't know how else to use the English language to pose that question. So I'll try to explain myself. I am 26 years old and I'd bet the house that I could beat a 9 year old Stephen Curry. That's just an example, not my final answer, Regis. 

It was Steph's birthday yesterday, so there was a lot of clips of him floating around on Twitter. I've always found Steph irritating. Since him and LeBron share the face of the NBA, I think Steph gets a pass a lot because LeBron is more of a blatant dork. The whole mouth guard and shimmy thing, hate it. I think Steph looks like Charlie Brown dancing when he celebrates. Anyway, happy birthday dude. ESPN posted a video of Steph on an NBA court at maybe age 10 swopping a three, doing an around the back pass, and hitting a half court shot. After the first shot my inner machismo said "I'd send that shit". Which made me think, how old is too old to beat Steph Curry. 

I'm really fat and even more out of shape. But I still run the court every once in awhile with the boys. My friends being the starting five of the winners of the Shore Conference in high school. Not to name drop, but one even went on to play college ball at Fairleigh Dickinson. Now that you know how serious I am about being able to ball, I think I can take a 16 year old Steph Curry in basketball. I don't know why they had this but businessinsider.com claims Steph was 5'7" and 130 lb his freshman year of high school. How much more could he have grown in a year? I got him sophmore year. I have grown man weight, he doesn't want to see me in the paint. I'd set the game to only 7 by 1's so I don't get gassed, and I get ball first. What is he going to do, protest? You're already going to eat some bows Steph, don't make me feed you a knuckle sandwich too. I make the rules around here pipsqueak.  

So congratulations to me: a 26 year old unathletic grown man who put a beat down on an imaginary 16 year old Steph Curry. So at your age now, you can beat a ___ year old Steph Curry? Damn, that should've been the title. Too late to change it now, takes away my whole first paragraph.