My Millennial Drive-Thru Experience

I ordered Taco Bell for myself the other night and when I finished my order the drive thru girl said, "Thank you, you guys can drive up". You GUYS...damn. I was already having a bad day and what I heard was "Well, why don't you just eat all your problems away you fat fuck, pull on up." For the first time in my life I had decided to use my millennial super powers. I decided I was going to shame this chick into oblivion for assuming that was a two person order. I've never done this before so I was hyping myself up in my Honda. Telling myself, "You ain't getting no god damn respect out here.  How fucking dare she make assumptions. I'm big boned, and I had a salad for lunch. Who the fuck is she to fat shame me for ordering too much Taco Bell? She don't know me?" Just fired up. Doing this for twenty minutes because Taco Bell drive-thru goes backwards in time. I got this whole speech ready and finally pull up to the window and get out "Ya know..."

The employee was three times my size. I'm not shaming, I'm a biggon myself, but those were just the facts. I froze up. I imagined me delivering my speech to her about how she shouldn't fat shame people and her going "Really motherfucker? You think I'm not allowed to fat shame? You listen here you skinny little bitch gimme your card, get your food, and get the fuck out of here before I snap you like the twig you are." And now I'm imagining getting skinny shamed, which is a sentence I figured would never be formed.  I snap out of it and realize she's asked for my payment three times. By her face I can tell I'm looking at her funny, which I find fair since I just eviscerated and got eviscerated in two imaginary arguments in the last twenty minutes. I get my food and give her a head nod like somehow she knows what just went down in my head. Shame on me, for considering shaming. 

Why I'm Silent During Sex

I don't make a peep while bumping uglies. Not a moan, not an exclamation, not a word. It's the opposite of sexy, I'm aware. I don't want to come across as timid or creepy in the sack but there is nothing I can do to fix it. Quite literally, the cat has my tongue and there is one simple explanation for it: I had shitty friends growing up. 

My friends and I were all very competitive growing up in everything we did. However there was this weird clause, that as competitive as you are, you aren't allowed to show enthusiasm in anything or else you're a douchebag. Any violation of this rule was met with a shitstorm of insults and normally a comparison to a celebrity. Playing 21 in the backyard on a seven foot hoop, I once screamed "LETS GO" after dunking on two dudes. This misstep in passion was met with, "Oh shit dude look at you, you're soo good at 21. You're 16 years old and weigh 230 no shit you're going to body us in the paint." A proper roast. With my pride in my throat, I screamed through a cracked voice to check the ball up bitch. 

We were all targets at all times. During a Fifa match, my one friend scored and yelled "eat it motherfucker". The dude losing 0-3 looked him dead in the eye and said "Wow look at Ronaldinho over here. Why don't you take your shirt off and slide into the corner of the living room. Chill out, it's just a game man".  It could be anything. You could be doing something nice for someone and still catch a burn. I had a buddy one time make us a mountain of pizza rolls. Another friend there said he ate a cold one and when the cook said STFU and eat them you ungrateful fuck he got "Oh I'm so sorry Gordon Ramsay, did you not like my review? Sorry you can't even make simple fucking pizza rolls. Wasting our time biting into these ice packets." They didn't talk the rest of the night. 

We were all victims, we were all aggressors. I regret to inform you that I was the most aggressive. If there was a burn scoreboard I would have the most tallies in the burns-dished-out column. I'm terrible at art, I can barely draw letters. Sitting at our table in art class during the seventh grade, my best friend said "This is pretty fun" while impressively drawing a fruit basket that was in the center of the table. Mine sucked, so I looked at his and said "Excuuse ME Picasso, I didn't know our lives depended on this drawing. So serious. You know what, why don't you quit the basketball team and put more time into your art. Jesus Christ." He botched every art project for the rest of the year. 

Years of that shit, tormenting each other. Constantly watching what you say, making it look like you're not trying hard, or care about the outcome of anything you do. It turned us all into celery. The first time I had sex, I realized that moaning didn't really come out naturally for me. I thought about just doing it cause I knew I was supposed to. Then there was that reflex in the back of my mind, going outside of my body and picturing me moaning, and my buddy's voice going "WOW Cassanova listen to you! Yeah man, I bet she's just loving that." Yes. I heard my friends in my head when I lost my virginity. It was the first time, but it certainly wasn't the last. One time I had a girl whisper in my ear, "Talk dirty to me". I'm pretty sure I laughed. Like are you fucking insane? I don't know how thin these walls are? I immediately began to suspect her of collusion. Looked over at her phone to make sure she wasn't FaceTiming one of the boys. Like it was all some setup for me to say "you like that you dirty slut?" or something, and then I hear over speaker phone "HOLY SHIT YOU'RE A REGULAR OL FIFTY SHADES OF GREY AREN'T YOU!" After my mid-love making daydream I went mute. She wasn't a repeat offender, most of them aren't. 

I thought about covering the girls' mouth during sex. I figured in their head they'll be like "oh shit he's kind of a freak" and in my head I didn't feel obligated to make noise if she couldn't. That's a slippery slope though, and I wasn't interested in catching a case. The best remedy I've found is blasting music. Your roommates will know every time you're having sex, but if you're ever feeling dangerous and let out a "damn" in your girl's ear, you don't have to worry about the homies hearing it. So to the few women who made the mistake of having sex with me, I know I looked like a joyless mime, but I swear I enjoyed it. 

Getting Coronavirus Would Be Pretty Dope

Like it says, getting coronavirus is probably pretty dope. Im going to tell you why in a second, but if at any point your feelings get hurt by this blog please see this disclaimer at the bottom*. The Rona is sweeping our nation, terrifying cities, commandeering full news stations, murdering thousands, and giving me the perfect excuse to tell my mom to piss off when she says "are you ever gunna leave this room"? Can't leave. Might get coronavirus, which would be pretty terrible ma.... or would it? 

Am I supposed to be afraid of quarantine? Because they market it like an invitation. Oh no you're going to lock me in a room with a TV, bring me food, and make sure I don't do anything but lay down all day while I presumably vomit and shit my brains out? That's just perpetual Sunday baby, sounds amazing. I'm bringing my xbox, my phone/online sportsbook, probably an extra TV, and my book. Please don't make me gamble, play video games, crush shows, and probably drop a couple pounds; how will I ever get through this?! (I don't think I nailed that semicolon but I went for it)

If you even have a sliver of funny in you, you could become a national hero. Imagine live tweeting your coronavirus experience? Instant viral sensation. Besides tweeting out my daily routine to prove I'm making this virus my bitch, here are a couple tweets I have in the chamber just in case I catch Rona: 

-"Doctor said I only have a little coronavirus in my system at the moment. I said 'Ah coronita-virus', he didn't find it funny." Gold. 

-"Worst part of coronavirus is the tube in my peehole that's more uncomfortable than Kevin Spacey." I don't know if they'd do the tube thing for this but my dad told me about catheters after his spinal surgery and I've been scared of them ever since. 

-"I brought my Xbox to the hospital and have been ironically playing Infected on Call of Duty for the last six hours." Connect with the kids, stay current.

-"I haven't been able to work since I contracted coronavirus, please check out this GoFundMe page to help my hardworking family with my Student Loan payments while I'm out of commission." I mean...

-"Told the doctor I've had this weird craving for human flesh, he said that's normal for someone with coronavirus." Classic. 

Use this blueprint and you'll be shaking hands with the president in no time. Just make sure you wash, soap and water. 

Coronavirus at first felt so distant and something I'd never have to worry about. Oh ye of little faith. The Asbury Park Press confirmed that a woman from my small hometown in NJ is infected and is being treated in the hospital two towns over. Excuse me while I head to the emergency room and start licking every handle and surface in that joint.  

*I don't mean to diminish the severity of this pandemic or the lives it has already taken. Honest thoughts and prayers to anybody affected. I only mean to suggest that if I was going to be taken out by a worldwide zombie virus I'd like to go out laughing.    

  

Baby Yoda Broke Up Me And My Girlfriend

For whatever reason the marketing world has evolved with my age group since we were children. If you need proof, here's a couple of examples from the restaurant industry: Your friendly neighborhood grill, Applebee's, who used to give out free meals if you brought in a positive report card is now nationally decimating GPAs selling $1 LITs. McDonald's went from a goofy clown and running around the "play place" to a trendy cafe where you can plug in your laptop. Little, freckled, pig tailed Wendy? She's roasting people on twitter like she's one of the homies. Molding restaurants to us wasn't all that bad but now marketing has gone too far.

I'm turning 27 this year and rumor has it is that's when people consider starting a family of their own. Girls you used to do drunk karaoke with are now scary mean witches, with a big smoking cauldron, looking at your willy like it's the last ingredient to their everlasting happiness. I guess it's better than looking at it with disappointment, but not the point. Instead of addressing the problem head on, what does Hollywood decide to do? Enable this behavior. It started out innocent enough. Baby Groot? Fucking adorable. Next came the royal baby, show off.  Then companies started to get straight up desperate.  Planters murdered an icon on national television just to shove Baby Nut down our throats. Which, by the way, ew gross. Everywhere you turn its baby this and baby that. Then came the King of them all. Baby fucking Yoda. Undeniably cute, and the final nail in all our coffins. 

I bought Disney+ literally just to watch the Mandalorian. Jon Favreau did a fantastic job with it. Unfortunately the genius idea of bringing in a main character to mirror a child version of Star War's most beloved Jedi Master did not go unpunished. Baby Yoda was whored through the streets of the internet. Memes, toys, GIFs, cartoon sketches, theories, fan accounts, instagram pages, twitter avatar's, etc. If you can think it, Baby Yoda has done it. Baby Yoda was/is everywhere. People who haven't even seen a single episode of Star Wars were flocking to Disney+ to watch the Mandalorian. I should have seen the writing on the wall. 

My girlfriend texted me, unprompted, "Hey I caught up on the Mandalorian, don't watch the rest without me". Silly me, my biggest concern at the time was thinking, "What the fuck. She's going to ask so many questions during each episode". To my surprise, we finished the season together flawlessly. I was happy with the ending, happy with the direction Favreau took the show, happy for future Star Wars shows coming to Disney+, just fucking happy staring up at the ceiling. 

That's when I hear, "Ahhhh man, when are we going to have a Baby Yoda of our own hehehe?"

I answered it practically, "Well never, since I'm a human and all. Unless you know where Yoda's people are from and plan on sleeping with one. Otherwise I don't know how we could possibly have a Baby Yoda, unless it's like a Hasbro one."

"You know what I mean, like our own baby."

"I don't know. I'm not ready to have a child around or even ready to have this talk." 

Theres probably a few things I should divulge at this point. I have a big boy job and probably give the impression that I'm ready for big boy responsibilities, but I'm not. I still describe things as being "big boy". I also once made the mistake of telling my girlfriend during a similar conversation that I'd want to be more of an adult like my sister was, when she had kids. I'm now one year older than what my sister was when she had her first kid. And the kicker? My girlfriend is 29. Anyway, this is when she hit me with the most utterly ridiculous line of reasoning I have ever heard in my life. 

"Well, Mando didn't think he'd want a kid around either! Look at them now!"

....

...

.

    

What a low fucking blow. Like all of a sudden if I have a baby I'll be a Mandalorian bounty hunter with a force sensitive child. Are you out of your mind? We had it out with a ridiculous argument of how mature I already supposedly am, sprinkled in with some Star Wars and Disney references.  

Yeah well, I'm single now. I'm currently taking applications for a new girlfriend with only one requirement: Must love drunk karaoke.   

The Case For Leaving The Seat Up

Chivalry as we've all heard, is dead. Was it ever really alive though? It was created by knights of some round table who would conquer, rape, and pillage just to send unsolicited "U up?" letters to local virgins. Regardless, I am here to tell you that leaving the seat up after you empty doesn't make you a bad person. 

When I was in the seventh grade, a couple of the lads and I went to our Regina George's house to hang out with the pretty girls from class. The objectives were pretty simple, watch a scary movie, try to consensually touch a boob, and let everyone know what it felt like. Snacks were out, Hills Have Eyes was on, and the lights were low. I was certain that my life was going to change forever that night. It did, but not the way I had hoped. Fate decided to poo poo on my night. Midway through the movie I left the love seat I was occupying with a female classmate to go see a man about horse.  When I returned, my beloved ask me if I washed my hands. Against all odds, I had. She held my hand and we continued watching the movie with heavy breath. About twenty minutes later, it happened. Regina came into the room, paused the TV and asked who pissed all over her toilet seat. Everyone looked at me because I was the last to leave the room. You could fry an egg on my face it got so hot. The room was in an uproar with argument. Without a shadow of a doubt, I 100% lifted the seat before pissing and put the seat back down before departure. I had an older sister who could kick my ass. None of my shitty friends would admit it was them, the girls were looking around the room for pitchforks and there was nothing I could say to prove my innocence so I went silent. Eventually someone hit play on the movie and the girl I was sitting next to moved seats. I watched the rest of the movie without blinking, hearing the whispering throughout the room. No one ever admitted to the pee. 

14 years later....

I'm working in a school that's K-8. I have to take a leak and go to use the adult unisex bathroom. It's a one person bathroom with no urinal. I get in and immediately notice there is piss on the seat. I grab a piece of toilet paper and lift the seat so I can go. Mid-stream, I hear a knock on the door. I answer with a "Yup one sec" and a female voice responds "Oh...alright.". Three options arise: One, put the seat down like a "gentleman" and risk the entire staff talking about me like I'm some sort of pee monster. Two, put the seat down AND CLEAN A STRANGER'S PEE all while possibly contracting coronavirus. Three, leave the seat as is, let them say ugh typical man leaving the seat up and realize that I'm not the one who pees like they have an unmanned fire hose. Because of my previous shame, not only will some poor soul have to put the seat down but they'll have a surprise waiting for them when they do. Never again. 

So gents, always cover your ass. It's better to be known as a seat-keeper-upper than a seat-wetter. But keep in mind it isn't that difficult to put the seat up. Ladies, if we're being honest it's just as easy to put the seat back down. Spot before you squat. We all have to share this world and sometimes that includes bathrooms. 

I don't vote and I don't care.

I am 26 years old and I have never voted. I never plan on voting and that makes people really really angry. When I tell people I don't vote my hands down favorite response to come out of their twisted up face is "But, but, but it's your right to vote!" Yeah, do you know what else is my right? My right to not fucking vote. Both are rights, one is not more of a right than the other. Don't lecture me on what my rights are to fit your opinion on what I should do with myself. 

Admittedly, I don't know shit about politics. I know that Democrats are always whining and that Republicans are kind of dicks. Why would I want a say about a subject I know nothing about. Politicians use big numbers, made up percentages, and regurgitated statistics to get people to argue about things they know nothing about. I work in a field that is traditionally Republican. They like to talk politics and side eye me when I don't throw in my two cents. I'm not an idiot who can't read headlines, so I'll drop a snarky remark on a current event to convince my co-workers that I'm Republican. On the flip side, most of my college friends and roommates were Democrats. Whenever they felt scholarly and argued politics I would do the same exact strategy but to give the impression that I'm a Democrat. Wanna know why? Because I don't give a shit. 

I am an avid sports fan. I argue about my teams whether I know I'm right or wrong because I love my team. I'll say they're good when they aren't. I'll turn a blind eye to immoral decisions made by the franchise. I'll go to bat for every team I'm a fan of because I love to argue and I love sports. At the end of the day though, they're playing a fucking game. Think for a minute and try to wrap your head around being a fan of decision making. Thats all it is really. One party makes decisions like this and the other makes decisions like that. You have to stick to an automated answer on controversial questions and topics that are constantly coming out with new research and vantage points. The cockiness of telling someone they can't change their stance on something based off the way they vote is astounding.

So you mean to tell me that I have to choose a person to run a whole damn country and then I have to blindly agree with every single decision they make for the next four years? I don't even agree with half the decisions I make for myself over a four year span. Do you know when my life changed after a Democratic or Republican decision? Cause I don't. My life has pretty much stayed the same no matter who was in the White House. My life changes when I fuck up. When I make a bad decision, or a good one.

I promise you that any election that I never participated in wouldn't have been swayed to a different outcome if I had voted Democrat or Republican. (I'm so out of the political world that I can't even remember if you're supposed to capitalize "Democrat" and "Republican" but I've been doing it throughout this blog anyway.)  Believe me, I see the flaw in my logic. If everyone thought the way that I did then nobody would ever vote and democracy would crumble before our very eyes. If that day ever comes I promise you that I will vote and be the lone American to elect the president each term. So take your opinions about my opinion and shove it up your ass.

Tinder Translations From An Aging Millenial

It's 2020 which means that I'm turning 28 this year. My clock to start a family and pass on my shitty genes is ticking. I know this because my mother reminds me every Tuesday when I go to her house for dinner. So if my calculations are correct, I'm going to die of a heart attack at 47. If I meet a girl this year, we date for three years until I propose, that's 31. It takes two years to plan the wedding, have our announcement party, have her bachelorette party, my bachelor party, and our engagement party now we're at 33. After the wedding, I'm still pulling out because we convince ourselves we're still young enough to travel for a year until we start a family. At age 34 we start "trying". I don't really know what "trying" means, three of my buddies from high school were actively not "trying" and have kids like half their age now. So lets say trying takes three months (?), add the 9 months of pregnancy and I'm 35 when I have my first child. That means I have 12 years, 10 solid ones, to part some real wisdom onto my child before tragedy strikes and he/she is left with their ditzy single mother. "Intelligent" women don't find me "attractive". 

Clock is ticking. 

Where do I go shopping? Tinder. I've had a couple matches strike my tinder but no real flames have really ignited. My bio is genius, it says Carpe DM's. It shows I'm equally hilarious and intelligent in one swift bio. My counterparts haven't had as witty bios as myself. Some of them made me really laugh. Life being the way it is, none of those profiles matched with me. So it goes. Most bios say little, but a lot can still be translated little to work with. Here's what I've found: 

-Saying you're a "wanderlust" doesn't make you a smart person. That isn't the first time we've heard that word. We all saw that Paul Rudd and Jennifer Anniston movie. 

-Saying your an "upfront person" just means your a cunt. It's ok to be an upfront person but if you're bragging to strangers online about it then odds are you already know. Some people, men and women, like being cunts which I can respect, I just can't leave my unborn children with them. 

-If you say you're "nerdy" only because you watched Game of Thrones, fuck you. 

-If at any point you mention that your bi-sexual you cease to be a bio and immediately become an advertisement for a threesome. 

-If you're 27+ wearing one of those rug sweatshirts and the only thing you have is "4/20 friendly" it's fair for me to assume that you smell like everything bagels. 

-I don't know who needs to hear this but for the girls with a jiggly Boomerang, you are appreciated.

 -If you have a picture with your child with the caption something along the lines of "My son/daughter is my life and no one will ever come between that." I'm here to tell you, you're good. Most people are on here to fuck someone in the back of a Wendy's parking lot, not to look for a mother and child to separate. 

-To the whole "never check this, add my instagram and message me there" population, the gig is up we know your tricks. No free clout. 

-Stop telling me you can out drink me. You can't. This shit is in my DNA and I will gladly get kicked out of a bar on a first date to prove you wrong. 

-You aren't "Just here for the dogs" you're all looking to get dicked down just like we're all looking for a closet to put the ol' womb broom in. 

-Why can I prefer brunettes over blondes with no issue but when I say I'd rather a vagina over your tucked willy all of a sudden I'm transphobic?  

-If you have a picture of just your ass in a thong, no face or nothin with the caption "no hookups", thank you, but no one believes you now. 

-If your picture is just a black screen with no bio I think you're probably a crazy chick who's looking for her cheating boyfriend. Which is hilarious, keep doing your thing. 

-If you have "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" you have 0 internet awareness and get a one way swipe to Leftland. 

- I won't read past "unpopular opinion".  

-Lastly, if your bio reads "I want to fuck your life up. My go to karaoke song is Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow and I like to cook in the nude." Caroline, please swipe right.

The clock is ticking. Enjoy the decade because by the next one we'll all be in our thirties....or worse. Please keep my children in your prayers, namaste.  

p.s. I'm sort of sorry that I used the c word but even more sorry that I used so many of these "".